****BIG TRIGGER WARNING****
Suicide is not a topic comfortably discussed by anyone and sometimes not even me. I have tried to die by suicide many times I think I tried to count it up in a previous post but I think adding a number to it will send the wrong message right now. I DID have a ton of different suicide notes, methods, videos, DNR’s that are notarized, funeral plans…. you get the point. It WAS like a really fucked up scrapbook. You get the point of my suicide issues. It is very important to point out that people do not commit suicide they die by suicide. This is suicide from one perspective my case may or may not be like others also understand from this point I will be descriptive in some aspects so again just a trigger warning.
I feel like we should be able to openly discuss our suicide thoughts without the stigma attached that we are suicidal because I am not suicidal but of course I’ve had thoughts they never leave you (or maybe just me) There is always that moment of it would be easier if I wasn’t here. That one moment that thought crosses your mind doesn’t mean you are suicidal nor does it classify as suicidal ideation it is just a thought that crosses your mind like what am I having for dinner. The state it happens and whether you choose to act on it is a completely different thing. I know it sounds like I am normalizing suicide because….I am. If we were completely honest with the thought of not being judged by anyone how open would you be about your suicidal thoughts do you think it would make you feel better? If you could go to a love one and say this is how I am feeling and them not automatically send you to psych. What if you just were able to be open about suicide? I told you about my fucked up scrapbook that I am proud to say has been thrown away now. Does that mean another one will pop up? I don’t know. I know lately I’ve been depressed and the thought of just disappearing sounds great at times then at others its like umm……no. I am in that frame of mind where I am able to differentiate the two, but it is also important in this same aspect that I am able to tell my husband. He also has learned the differences over the years. If we want to have a serious discussion about suicide and my feelings I need him to know that I am talking about it because it is on my mind but not because I want to but because I want this fucking thought out of my head.
You know suicide/mental may not be a topic at a dinner party but neither is politics but people talk about it anyway. What if we hosted parties for people to talk about their mental health? What if instead of discussing who was a better president we talk about antidepressants and suicide? Would that be awkward? I have tried to die by suicide enough times that I would have plenty of stories to tell. We need to be more open about suicide and make it okay for people to come to you for help. What if we actually were able to talk about it without worrying about people getting uncomfortable would it stop you? Would you second guess yourself (there are times when it is so bad that no matter what anyone does it doesn’t help.) would you feel better? We need to talk about suicide and share stories within reason because somewhere in our paths down this mental health hellhole we are stuck in it could help someone else. So lets be open and tell our stories with trigger warnings but we can be the ones who make it okay for someone else to ask for help. So please be the change and let’s make mental health an open ended discussion.
If you or someone you know is suicidal please call the suicide hotline 800-273-8255 or text talk to 741741
Yep you guessed it from the previous post I am just tired. My heart hurts from trying to feel something almost anything. I left work early today sick and had a horrible CVS visit I made it home. I think my mental health are turning into physical symptoms which is just what I need right now. I can’t afford this so I need the rest of my body needs to cooperate and listen to each other and get going. I am also having problems with acid reflux. Thanks anxiety I enjoy the horrible things I am dealing with now. I can’t sleep or get comfortable. I just want all of it to go away. My chest hurts and I know that my body is trying to work itself through it but it is slowly wearing me out.
I just need something……. anything……..
I haven’t showered in 3 days and even though it is extremely cold and it is the very last thing I want to do I am going to shower even if it means forcing myself to do it. This also means I will lay in a tub and stare at a wall for 15 minutes before I actually get up and shower. I will spend 15 minutes trying to clear my head before I shower and hope that it makes some sort of difference in my thoughts. I’ve even forced myself to do things including work on my blog which is something that I love doing. I have no energy and I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything. I want to feel something right now…..just anything…..
Now that I’ve admitted and accepted my depression for what it is I need to work through it. How do I do this? No one knows I just figure it out as it goes which isn’t the best idea but it is all I got right now. I feel nothing I am just a void holding up space meant to be used for a greater purpose. Yes you can feel this way without being suicidal so I am not a danger to myself or others. You can think about the space you are taking up without being suicidal. I think that is one of the biggest misconception about depression and suicide. You can deal with each one individually or together either way is not good. That is the problem though I can’t openly talk about these things because people automatically think I am suicidal and then I am this damsel in distress that everyone needs to save when in actuality I just want to talk about it. I want to talk about feeling like a burden or what it would mean to no longer deal with this and mean it in a healthy way because you can talk about suicide and depression in a way that is healthy. We have to be able to say things because holding it in only makes it worse. So yes I’ve stared at a hole in the wall wondering what it would be like to fill that hole if I could not be here anymore. If it meant that I could feel something and not be so numb to all of my feelings what would that feel like? I can say it and say I am not fucking suicidal. I just want to say it dammit. I want to openly say that I’ve stared at a bottle of pills thinking what if but never with the intention of doing it just the thought of it. I’ve never been diagnosed with suicidal ideation and I don’t feel like it fits in this category.
I look at my husband and my daughter and it makes me mad all the time I wasted trying to escape them and this life I had that I thought was so terrible. It makes me mad that this illness took time from me. It took years from me that I will never get back it took memories I will never remember because of this shit and no I don’t want to die but I just want to openly talk about the feeling without being shamed.
Guess what?!?! I am depressed. I’ve avoided saying it by using words like low, no energy it is time I just used the fucking word d-e-p-r-e-s-s-e-d just defuckingpressed. I have no emotions. I can pretend like I do and smile in your face but I am actually empty inside. I can stare at the same dot on the wall for an hour and not even realize I am doing it. I love when people say things to me like “you don’t smile much anymore.” “you always look sad.” “Why aren’t you talking to me anymore?” “Did I make you mad?” “You are so emotional and dramatic.” You get the point. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t afford to be out of work and even though I am listed as having a disability what assistance do I actually get. It is so hard with mental health to ask for what you want or need to people who may not always understand.
I would really like to feel something anything but I have nothing I am just empty.
YEP. FUCK ANXIETY!! I am so tired of this shit and it happened again. I wake up completely panicked AGAIN!! I am so tired of this shit. I am starting to realize that this is just my life now. My sleep will continue to be fucked and my anxiety will never CALM down. I am trying to explain to anyone what I am going through but I keep getting stares and the look. You know the look that you are begging for attention even though you are falling apart inside and no one understands. All I can do is wait it out. I feel like I am going over the edge and no one knows what is happening around me. Fuck this damn anxiety it is a gateway into everything else that starts to happen.
My daughter has DPA today and there is something about going to Rock Eagle brings back so many memories and it soothes me. I remember when I was in 7th grade and I was obsessed with Wayne (he wasn’t smart enough to realize how awesome I was back then.) I walked around almost the entire camp listening to “It’s your love” by Tim McGraw and “(Everything I do) I do it for you” by Bryan Adams. I have so many amazing memories from middle and high school years here. I watched her nervously stand up and give her presentation and even though she didn’t place I am proud of her for getting out there and trying. We had so much fun though watching the performing arts which is my favorite category and a fun lunch together. We had a great day and for a little while I forgot the shit I’m dealing with.
I am so glad I am off tomorrow. My daughter has DPA with 4H and I am trying to work my way through this mood swing so I can be a supportive normal parent. My moods have made it extremely difficult to do anything right now. I am trying so hard to be a person I don’t know how to be and trying to be that person is killing me. If I am me again what will happen if I start to fall? Can I handle it if it happens again? How do I do this after everything I’ve been through and I don’t know if I can do it again completely sober with help and not secretly imploding. I am trying even though it is extremely hard to do.
Today was Valentines Day and even though I had to work it was still a great evening. I surprised my daughter with a bath bomb and new hairbands and for my hubby BEER!! I also got an amazing Valentines dinner which was Pizza Hut. The more Wayne and I talk about money the better he feels and the better I feel about everything. He was so relaxed this evening which I love. I felt like shit all day today but I stayed because we need the money and going home will do nothing but make it worse. I am still working through these fucking mood swings. I wish I had more energy but still even without a lot of money we had an amazing evening. I feel like the older you get the less it is about presents and the more it is about spending quality time together. I would rather have an entire day of uninterrupted time with my husband and my daughter then any present you could ever give me.
Today was a long day and my back is killing me. I had to go to Greensboro Tire for what seemed like hours to get my tire patched. I managed to find a private room so I was able to listen to my headphones and write, but all I did was try and comfortable and all I want to do is lay down with a heating pad. I got nothing else accomplished but it makes me feel a little bit better, these mood swings are killing me.