Today I woke up shaking and my chest started hurting and I know what that means PANIC ATTACK symptoms. Those are fucking awesome and exactly what I need to happen while I’m at work. I keep trying mindful meditation but it isn’t working. I have more time to be here and I need to focus but I can’t and I know when I get home that means a date with the bathtub to calm down. I’ve listened to Mac Miller’s Swimming cd on replay as much as I could today. That usually helps everything out and drinking OJ. I find comfort in these small things to try and make my day better. I wish I could explain to people how it feels when I am stuck in such a horrible place and I don’t know how to get out or ask for help. I know this feeling may go away temporarily but it will be back.
Here is a sample of the book. It isn’t much and I’m a little paranoid. It’s a very small piece of a 4ish book series. This has been changed a little in the editing process.
Have you ever been so tired that you don’t know what to do first? I’ve felt that way all day today. I was so exhausted when I got home I plopped on the couch and posted my “I’m still alive” on Instagram and then drifted in and out. I floated in and out of sleep for 30 minutes on the couch before going to bed. On nights like tonight my medicine enhances my already overwhelming urge to sleep but I did fall asleep on Wayne which is my favorite thing to do.
This morning The Wells Fargo app stopped working and sent me into a huge panic after having your information stolen before moments like that will make your heart stop. I am emotionally drained but what else is new. I just want to sleep the rest of the day away.
I’m really getting sick of this shit.
Dammit dammit dammit. I can’t write the ending. I just can’t I’m not ready yet. I don’t want to force it so I will go work on the part that is currently in the editing stage. I plan on publishing the first of 4ish series. I have an author genius (that is what I call him.) helping me edit. It’s time after 7 years to let it go. I’ve learned that people actually enjoy what I write (assumptions) I have followers and subscribers so I’m doing something right. Check out my blog bipolaroutcasts.com I am dropping a sneak peek of my book at 5 pm est. I want feedback!! I will post again once it is out!
Today I was so productive it is amazing how much I can get done if I just focus on my tasks at hands I knocked out 15 blog entries and a lot on my Instagram. Today my dreams felt like they are coming more naturally and I’m getting ready for big things that are possibly coming soon. I am making such a huge difference in my life and it is the positive outlook I need to make myself feel a little better. I need to find these small miracles amongst everything that is going on to make me feel better.
Check for back post ( I am really behind on journal entries
New Bipolar Chronicles coming soon
January totals posted
February goals posted
The man still here and talking now
Dreams are horrible
Sleep feels almost nonexistent
20 views a day- I was close but I stopped posting for awhile so it didn’t quite make it. I tried and got good numbers though.
Post two times a week– Didn’t happen but I did post a good bit
Document workout/diet- let’s skip this
Post at least 6 Bipolar Chronicles- I posted 5!! Go me!!!
80 subscribers- 105!!!!!
Total views for the month 2000- 1609 (I almost made it)
Total visitors 1500– 1180 not too bad
600 followers- complete
300 + visits per week– shadowbanned because Instagram wants to be an asshole
525 post– complete
Post @ least 3 times daily- close but I did post a lot
Blog post added- complete
Personal interest- complete
Funny/true things- complete
Workout journey- lets skip this
I will post February goals soon!!! I am so proud of myself
5 Bipolar Chronicles
3 post a week
10 views a day
Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends
90+ visits per week
Let’s see what February brings
Today was a day of me not accomplishing any blogs but binge watching television with Wayne. We did have some good conversation when our WiFi died for a little while. I love those conversations with him. We were watching Last Man Standing and that gave me an idea. I want us to go away to a cabin for a weekend and use no electronics. I feel like this maybe an impossible task because I love taking pictures to help with my memory and if I didn’t have a way to document it my head may explode. I waited too long for my check to finally be deposited. I had bills I didn’t want to pay. I need to get work done because the only way I will make any progress is to be consistent which is something I’m not good at. I am working on my book though which makes me happy.
Moods, dreams, the man sucks and I am trying to make improvements
I watched a movie about an awkward woman and I felt the need to share something because I am annoyed about many things at the moment.
– My teeth are probably cracking with the amount of peppermint I eat.
– I can’t keep peppermint on my side of the bed when I sleep because I eat it and I’m scared one day I will choke on it. I have a shirt that has peppermint drool stuck to it. (It is grosser than it sounds I promise.)
– I have an over abundance of lemonade cans on my side of the bed because I drink them in the middle of the night. It keeps me from getting up more than I have to.
– I drink so much lemonade I probably piss it out on a regular basis. I drink lemonade to avoid soft drinks.
– I haven’t worked on my blog but I did spend almost 45 minutes trying to learn how to French braid my hair but I got pissed off and quit.
– I am working on my book but not the part that I want to publish by the end of this year one of the follow ups because it helps me solve my problems.
– My mood swings suck a dick and currently are my reasons as to why I haven’t caught up on my blog.
So this is why I haven’t been around. I can write these but I can’t write an update or a blog post about what’s going on these last few days. I will try and get it done tomorrow. 🖤