Today sucked. My dreams are constantly getting worse and I am so tired I want to stab someone. I wouldn’t actually stab anyone because I don’t want to go to jail but people make it really difficult not to unleash the evil that is hidden deep in my soul. I can’t with stupid people…I just can’t. Why is it that someone always tries to one up you. I can’t talk to people about my illness or lack of sleep because they are always trying to one up you. It looks like this…

Asshat: How are you?
Me: I am tired. I’ve having a hard time….”
Asshat: “Girl I know I only slept for 5 hours last night. I was tossing and turning it is so hard to get a good night sleep.”
Me:…….
Asshat: How hard could it be for you to sleep? You take medicine don’t you? Oh I just started taking melatonin I’m sure it is stronger than your medicine why don’t you take it.
Me: Suck my dick…… and walked away.

True story.

My moods suck and so do people. Why can’t I live in a secluded bubble in the middle of nowhere? People suck.

My mood today sucks and what sucks even worse is I’ve wasted a day that I could’ve worked on my blog or my book. Today I am trying to play catch up with everything. I need to print out the next chapter to start working on. I keep looking around at this moment when I am working in the office with cold feet beating the keys of the this pretend keyboard attached to an IPad eating Cadbury mini eggs and miss it. Will I miss this simple time when my book is published and my blog has high stats everyday. I When the pressure for me to perform becomes real and my illness has to stay away so I can be productive. Will I have deadlines to meet and will I be able to keep up with everything. I am trying my best to overlook everything that is wrong with me right now my depression and think that there will be a time when I can look back on this moment I fought for and be thankful of how it turned out. I am doing this without looking to pills to solve my problems and that in itself is a victory.

Look more optimism from me. Who would’ve thought that I can find so much positivity in what I am doing. I have to keep telling myself over and over again when I pick up my book to STOP editing the same sections. I’ve spent so much focus on that same section it is taking longer to accomplish the rest of it. Your writing is fine obviously people like it otherwise they wouldn’t subscribe to your blog or follow your social media but maybe they are because of how bad it is and I really do suck….nope I can’t believe that. I refuse to believe that this is the case I’ve had some opportunities to collaborate with other bloggers and a few influencers and I don’t think they would ask me if it was a joke. I want my brain to shut up and stop telling me I suck and I need to give up. I need to keep pushing forward. I can do this and I will do this because it has always been my dream and I waited too long to start it for me to give up. You will not win depression you sick son of a bitch. I will come out on top and you CAN and WILL not control me anymore. I am proud of you and I love you.

Optimistic titles right?!? Who knew that I was capable of finding positive things through the shit I am dealing with but here I am rocking it out but I have a secret. I finally printed out the first chapter of my book (The first book will be about 9 or 10 chapters but the way it is set up is different.) We’ve (mostly him) have completed 16 out of around 25 pages. I know I posted a little bit of the book but I don’t want to give away too many secrets unless it will help spark your interest. I have my handy dandy red pin and highlighters ready to slash through pages and email updates as I find them. I am so optimistic about it I already printed out the second chapter to work on. This is why it takes so long for me to finish my book when I get depressed or anything I can become a recluse and live in the book for weeks or months and it helps so when its published there is no going back to make changes as my problems change. I guess I can just keep going even if not all of it is ever published. So will throw myself in my work and hopefully come out soon with a book ready to publish. I will keep you updated through the process.