Yep you guessed it from the previous post I am just tired. My heart hurts from trying to feel something almost anything. I left work early today sick and had a horrible CVS visit I made it home. I think my mental health are turning into physical symptoms which is just what I need right now. I can’t afford this so I need the rest of my body needs to cooperate and listen to each other and get going. I am also having problems with acid reflux. Thanks anxiety I enjoy the horrible things I am dealing with now. I can’t sleep or get comfortable. I just want all of it to go away. My chest hurts and I know that my body is trying to work itself through it but it is slowly wearing me out.

I just need something……. anything……..

I haven’t showered in 3 days and even though it is extremely cold and it is the very last thing I want to do I am going to shower even if it means forcing myself to do it. This also means I will lay in a tub and stare at a wall for 15 minutes before I actually get up and shower. I will spend 15 minutes trying to clear my head before I shower and hope that it makes some sort of difference in my thoughts. I’ve even forced myself to do things including work on my blog which is something that I love doing. I have no energy and I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything. I want to feel something right now…..just anything…..

Now that I’ve admitted and accepted my depression for what it is I need to work through it. How do I do this? No one knows I just figure it out as it goes which isn’t the best idea but it is all I got right now. I feel nothing I am just a void holding up space meant to be used for a greater purpose. Yes you can feel this way without being suicidal so I am not a danger to myself or others. You can think about the space you are taking up without being suicidal. I think that is one of the biggest misconception about depression and suicide. You can deal with each one individually or together either way is not good. That is the problem though I can’t openly talk about these things because people automatically think I am suicidal and then I am this damsel in distress that everyone needs to save when in actuality I just want to talk about it. I want to talk about feeling like a burden or what it would mean to no longer deal with this and mean it in a healthy way because you can talk about suicide and depression in a way that is healthy. We have to be able to say things because holding it in only makes it worse. So yes I’ve stared at a hole in the wall wondering what it would be like to fill that hole if I could not be here anymore. If it meant that I could feel something and not be so numb to all of my feelings what would that feel like? I can say it and say I am not fucking suicidal. I just want to say it dammit. I want to openly say that I’ve stared at a bottle of pills thinking what if but never with the intention of doing it just the thought of it. I’ve never been diagnosed with suicidal ideation and I don’t feel like it fits in this category.

I look at my husband and my daughter and it makes me mad all the time I wasted trying to escape them and this life I had that I thought was so terrible. It makes me mad that this illness took time from me. It took years from me that I will never get back it took memories I will never remember because of this shit and no I don’t want to die but I just want to openly talk about the feeling without being shamed.

Guess what?!?! I am depressed. I’ve avoided saying it by using words like low, no energy it is time I just used the fucking word d-e-p-r-e-s-s-e-d just defuckingpressed. I have no emotions. I can pretend like I do and smile in your face but I am actually empty inside. I can stare at the same dot on the wall for an hour and not even realize I am doing it. I love when people say things to me like “you don’t smile much anymore.” “you always look sad.” “Why aren’t you talking to me anymore?” “Did I make you mad?” “You are so emotional and dramatic.” You get the point. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t afford to be out of work and even though I am listed as having a disability what assistance do I actually get. It is so hard with mental health to ask for what you want or need to people who may not always understand.

I would really like to feel something anything but I have nothing I am just empty.

YEP. FUCK ANXIETY!! I am so tired of this shit and it happened again. I wake up completely panicked AGAIN!! I am so tired of this shit. I am starting to realize that this is just my life now. My sleep will continue to be fucked and my anxiety will never CALM down. I am trying to explain to anyone what I am going through but I keep getting stares and the look. You know the look that you are begging for attention even though you are falling apart inside and no one understands. All I can do is wait it out. I feel like I am going over the edge and no one knows what is happening around me. Fuck this damn anxiety it is a gateway into everything else that starts to happen.

My daughter has DPA today and there is something about going to Rock Eagle brings back so many memories and it soothes me. I remember when I was in 7th grade and I was obsessed with Wayne (he wasn’t smart enough to realize how awesome I was back then.) I walked around almost the entire camp listening to “It’s your love” by Tim McGraw and “(Everything I do) I do it for you” by Bryan Adams. I have so many amazing memories from middle and high school years here. I watched her nervously stand up and give her presentation and even though she didn’t place I am proud of her for getting out there and trying. We had so much fun though watching the performing arts which is my favorite category and a fun lunch together. We had a great day and for a little while I forgot the shit I’m dealing with.