Now that I’ve admitted and accepted my depression for what it is I need to work through it. How do I do this? No one knows I just figure it out as it goes which isn’t the best idea but it is all I got right now. I feel nothing I am just a void holding up space meant to be used for a greater purpose. Yes you can feel this way without being suicidal so I am not a danger to myself or others. You can think about the space you are taking up without being suicidal. I think that is one of the biggest misconception about depression and suicide. You can deal with each one individually or together either way is not good. That is the problem though I can’t openly talk about these things because people automatically think I am suicidal and then I am this damsel in distress that everyone needs to save when in actuality I just want to talk about it. I want to talk about feeling like a burden or what it would mean to no longer deal with this and mean it in a healthy way because you can talk about suicide and depression in a way that is healthy. We have to be able to say things because holding it in only makes it worse. So yes I’ve stared at a hole in the wall wondering what it would be like to fill that hole if I could not be here anymore. If it meant that I could feel something and not be so numb to all of my feelings what would that feel like? I can say it and say I am not fucking suicidal. I just want to say it dammit. I want to openly say that I’ve stared at a bottle of pills thinking what if but never with the intention of doing it just the thought of it. I’ve never been diagnosed with suicidal ideation and I don’t feel like it fits in this category.
I look at my husband and my daughter and it makes me mad all the time I wasted trying to escape them and this life I had that I thought was so terrible. It makes me mad that this illness took time from me. It took years from me that I will never get back it took memories I will never remember because of this shit and no I don’t want to die but I just want to openly talk about the feeling without being shamed.