Category: mental health

🖤DAY 3🖤 MENTAL HEALTH WEEK- OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD)

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Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.

OCD is a neurologically based disorder characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions) that the child realizes are senseless. OCD may start at age five or six, sometimes even earlier. OCD results from a deficiency of a neurotransmitter, serotonin, in specific areas of the brain. (New research suggests that the more severe forms of the condition, in which obsessive thoughts “lock” and cannot be relieved, involve more than a neurotransmitter shortfall.) OCD is treated with an SSRI, which increases serotonin levels in the brain.

Obsessions can take many forms: repetitive words, thoughts, fears, memories, pictures. Compulsive behaviors, such as hand-washing, counting, checking, or cleaning, are performed in hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Obsessions and compulsions are often viewed as being unnecessary, but they can’t be stopped. Although doing these “rituals” provides only temporary relief, not doing them dramatically increases anxiety.

Counting or repeating: the need to touch something a certain number of times; the need to repeat a specific behavior or pattern of behaviors

Checking or questioning: the need to check and recheck something (e.g., whether the stove is off, the car keys are on the key rack, the closet light is off)

Arranging and organizing: the need to tie shoes or to dress or undress in a certain sequence; the need to organize toys, dolls, or other items in a certain way; becoming upset if anything is changed

Collecting or hoarding: saving books, magazines, ticket stubs, birthday cards, or other items in the belief that they are important and cannot be thrown away

Cleaning and/or washing: the need to lather and rinse an exact number of times in the shower or to brush one’s hair a certain number of times in a pattern

“Preening”: behaviors that “must be done,” even if the result is discomfort or pain. Examples are nail or cuticle biting, picking at sores or scabs, twirling or pulling hair, eye-brows, or eyelashes, “cleaning off” dry skin.

The most frequent worries in children and adolescents are about picking up germs and becoming sick or dying, or about getting sick and throwing up. Other fears include: If I don’t act/do a specific behavior: I will lose someone’s love; I will fail a test; God may punish me; a natural disaster will occur.

When most of us think of OCD, we think of that super neat freak in our lives, or the germaphobe who uses tons of hand sanitizer. But rarely do we think of someone who stands in their living room flipping a light switch on and off precisely 21 times. That last example is getting closer to some of the lesser-known symptoms of OCD.

More common forms of OCD include checking, hand washing, craving symmetry, and fearing contamination. And of course these are distressing and time-consuming aspects of the disorder. But they aren’t the whole picture. Here are a few lesser known symptoms of OCD that you may not have considered, whether you suffer with the disorder or not.

1. You’re Convinced You’ll Go Snap At Any Moment

Some OCD sufferers have a problem with impulse control, or at least they think they do. This means they live with a fear that they’ll do something unforgivable at any moment, even though they probably won’t. As Allen H. Weg said in Psychology Today, “This involves the obsession that one will act out in some way, temporarily ‘go insane’ and then just as quickly ‘snap out of it’ and then be stuck with the consequences of their actions.” People may fear they’ll steal from a store, blurt out something rude in public, or even hurt their family. In an effort to prevent anything bad from happening, sufferers will often take great pains to prevent catastrophe by staying home, or by hiding sharp objects from themselves, according to Weg.

2. You’re Sure You’ll Hit Someone With Your Car

Many OCD sufferers check things — they’ll check a dozen times that they locked a door, turned off the stove, or blew out a candle. But some sufferers have what’s known as Hit And Run OCD, or MVA (Motor Vehicle Accident) OCD. According to Weg, “Drivers obsess that maybe they hit someone without realizing it when driving, and then drive back repeatedly to check the area for bodies and/or police or ambulance activity. They will then go home and check the papers and local TV reports for stories about hit-and-run accidents.” Very distressing indeed.

3. You Have A Magical Way Of Thinking, And Rituals To Go Along With It

Most OCD symptoms involve some sort of magical thinking, but this is especially true when it comes to performing rituals. For example, you may get a certain number stuck in your head and have to do things that many times. It can be especially maddening because your ritual must be performed perfectly, or else it “won’t work.” As noted by Fred Penzel, Ph.D., on BeyondOCD.com, “… The steps of the compulsive ritual must be kept rigidly ‘pure’ and perfect, and cannot vary … Additionally, rituals must be performed while in the correct state of mind, with no interfering ‘bad’ or wayward thoughts. Because anxiety typically hampers the performance of almost anything, sufferers generally find it very difficult to get their rituals to be perfect.” Basically, if the steps are done in the wrong order, if something is forgotten, or if the person thinks of an unpleasant image during the ritual, then the magic is destroyed and the ritual must start over.

4. You Get Violent Thoughts Stuck In Your Head, Even Though They Scare You

The very nature of being obsessive is that you can’t get certain thoughts out of your head. But sometimes a different type of thought invades your mind, and it may be of a disturbing nature. These thoughts are particularly violent and gory, and even though they are distressing, the sufferer can’t get them out of their mind. According to a website dedicated to the disorder called OCDUK.org, “Because the intrusive thoughts are repetitive and not voluntarily produced, they cause the sufferer extreme distress — the very idea that they are capable of having such thoughts in the first place can be horrifying. However … people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are the least likely people to actually act on the thoughts, partly because they find them so repugnant and go to great lengths to avoid them and prevent them happening.”

5. You Can’t Stop Thinking About Perverted Things, Even If You Want To

We all have a gross thought or a sexy daydream from time to time, but rarely are they unwanted. Some OCD sufferers on the other hand, have these thoughts, but they can often get out of hand. According to Monica T. Williams in Psychology Today, “Unwanted sexual thoughts are common, and most people are able to dismiss an occasional bothersome thought. However, people with OCD cannot rid themselves of unwanted thoughts, and when the content is sexual in nature, the obsessions can be especially upsetting.”

6. Sometimes You Become Obsessed With The Thought Of A Catastrophic Event

Some people with OCD will be walking down the street when suddenly they’re struck with the thought of getting hit by a car. They may be perfectly safe on the sidewalk, but the idea is still there. They then spend several upsetting moments, or even the rest of the day, ruminating about irrational worst-case outcomes, according to Ron Breazeale, Ph.D., in Psychology Today. It’s like having a scary movie playing in your head, and the main character is you.

OCD shows itself in many ways, from the typical hand washing and cleaning, to the more obscure symptoms — such as magical thinking, or fearing you’ll go insane. Either way, OCD can be downright distressing. If you think you’re suffering with the disorder, talk to your doctor about what steps to take next.

Sources:

Bustle.com

🖤DAY 2🖤 MENTAL HEALTH WEEK- DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER/MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER

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Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.

Dissociative identity disorder (previously known as multiple personality disorder) is thought to be a complex psychological condition that is likely caused by many factors, including severe trauma during early childhood (usually extreme, repetitive physical, sexual, or emotional abuse).

What Is Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Most of us have experienced mild dissociation, which is like daydreaming or getting lost in the moment while working on a project. However, dissociative identity disorder is a severe form of dissociation, a mental process which produces a lack of connection in a person’s thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. Dissociative identity disorder is thought to stem from a combination of factors that may include trauma experienced by the person with the disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism — the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience that’s too violent, traumatic, or painful to assimilate with his conscious self.

Is Dissociative Identity Disorder Real?

You may wonder if dissociative identity disorder is real. After all, understanding the development of multiple personalities is difficult, even for highly trained experts. The diagnosis itself remains controversial among mental health professionals, with some experts believing that it is really an “offshoot” phenomenon of another psychiatric problem, such as borderline personality disorder, or the product of profound difficulties in coping abilities or stresses related to how people form trusting emotional relationships with others.

Other types of dissociative disorders defined in the DSM-5, the main psychiatry manual used to classify mental illnesses, include dissociative amnesia (with “dissociative fugue” now being regarded as a subtype of dissociative amnesia rather than its own diagnosis), and depersonalization/derealization disorder.

What Are the Symptoms of Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over the person’s behavior. With dissociative identity disorder, there’s also an inability to recall key personal information that is too far-reaching to be explained as mere forgetfulness. With dissociative identity disorder, there are also highly distinct memory variations, which fluctuate with the person’s split personality.

The “alters” or different identities have their own age, sex, or race. Each has his or her own postures, gestures, and distinct way of talking. Sometimes the alters are imaginary people; sometimes they are animals. As each personality reveals itself and controls the individuals’ behavior and thoughts, it’s called “switching.” Switching can take seconds to minutes to days. When under hypnosis, the person’s different “alters” or identities may be very responsive to the therapist’s requests.

Along with the dissociation and multiple or split personalities, people with dissociative disorders may experience a number of other psychiatric problems, including symptoms:

• Depression

• Mood swings

• Suicidal tendencies

• Sleep disorders (insomnia, night terrors, and sleep walking)

• Anxiety, panic attacks, and phobias (flashbacks, reactions to stimuli or “triggers”)

• Alcohol and drug abuse

• Compulsions and rituals

• Psychotic-like symptoms (including auditory and visual hallucinations)

• Eating disorders

Other symptoms of dissociative identity disorder may include headache, amnesia, time loss, trances, and “out of body experiences.” Some people with dissociative disorders have a tendency toward self-persecution, self-sabotage, and even violence (both self-inflicted and outwardly directed). As an example, someone with dissociative identity disorder may find themselves doing things they wouldn’t normally do, such as speeding, reckless driving, or stealing money from their employer or friend, yet they feel they are being compelled to do it. Some describe this feeling as being a passenger in their body rather than the driver. In other words, they truly believe they have no choice.

What’s the Difference Between Dissociative Identity Disorder and Schizophrenia?

Schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder are often confused, but they are very different.

Schizophrenia is a severe mental illness involving chronic (or recurrent) psychosis, characterized mainly by hearing or seeing things that aren’t real (hallucinations) and thinking or believing things with no basis in reality (delusions). Contrary to popular misconceptions, people with schizophrenia do not have multiple personalities. Delusions are the most common psychotic symptom in schizophrenia; hallucinations, particularly hearing voices, are apparent in about half to three quarters of people with the illness.

Suicide is a risk with both schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder, although patients with multiple personalities have a history of suicide attempts more often than other psychiatric patients.

How Does Dissociation Change the Way a Person Experiences Life?

There are several main ways in which the psychological processes of dissociative identity disorder change the way a person experiences living, including the following:

• Depersonalization. This is a sense of being detached from one’s body and is often referred to as an “out-of-body” experience.

• Derealization. This is the feeling that the world is not real or looking foggy or far away.

• Amnesia. This is the failure to recall significant personal information that is so extensive it cannot be blamed on ordinary forgetfulness. There can also be micro-amnesias where the discussion engaged in is not remembered, or the content of a meaningful conversation is forgotten from one second to the next.

• Identity confusion or identity alteration. Both of these involve a sense of confusion about who a person is. An example of identity confusion is when a person has trouble defining the things that interest them in life, or their political or religious or social viewpoints, or their sexual orientation, or their professional ambitions. In addition to these apparent alterations, the person may experience distortions in time, place, and situation.

It is now acknowledged that these dissociated states are not fully mature personalities, but rather they represent a disjointed sense of identity. With the amnesia typically associated with dissociative identity disorder, different identity states remember different aspects of autobiographical information. There is usually a “host” personality within the individual, who identifies with the person’s real name. Ironically, the host personality is usually unaware of the presence of other personalities.

What Roles Do the Different Personalities Play?

The distinct personalities may serve diverse roles in helping the individual cope with life’s dilemmas. For instance, there’s an average of two to four personalities present when the patient is initially diagnosed. Then there’s an average of 13 to 15 personalities that can become known over the course of treatment. While unusual, there have been instances of dissociative identity disorder with more than 100 personalities. Environmental triggers or life events cause a sudden shift from one alter or personality to another.

Who Gets Dissociative Identity Disorder?

While the causes of dissociative identity disorder are still vague, research indicates that it is likely a psychological response to interpersonal and environmental stresses, particularly during early childhood years when emotional neglect or abuse may interfere with personality development. As many as 99% of individuals who develop dissociative disorders have recognized personal histories of recurring, overpowering, and often life-threatening disturbances at a sensitive developmental stage of childhood (usually before age 9). Dissociation may also happen when there has been persistent neglect or emotional abuse, even when there has been no overt physical or sexual abuse. Findings show that in families where parents are frightening and unpredictable, the children may become dissociative.

How Is Dissociative Identity Disorder Diagnosed?

Making the diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder takes time. It’s estimated that individuals with dissociative disorders have spent seven years in the mental health system prior to accurate diagnosis. This is common, because the list of symptoms that cause a person with a dissociative disorder to seek treatment is very similar to those of many other psychiatric diagnoses. In fact, many people who have dissociative disorders also have coexisting diagnoses of borderline or other personality disorders, depression, and anxiety.

The DSM-5 provides the following criteria to diagnose dissociative identity disorder:

1 Two or more distinct identities or personality states are present, each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self.

2 Amnesia must occur, defined as gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/or traumatic events.

3 The person must be distressed by the disorder or have trouble functioning in one or more major life areas because of the disorder.

4 The disturbance is not part of normal cultural or religious practices.

5 The symptoms can not be due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (such as blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol intoxication) or a general medical condition (such as complex partial seizures).

Are There Famous People With Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Famous people with dissociative identity disorder include retired NFL star Herschel Walker, who says he’s struggled with dissociative identity disorder for years but has only been treated for the past eight years.

Walker recently published a book about his struggles with dissociative identity disorder, along with his suicide attempts. Walker talks about a feeling of disconnect from childhood to the professional leagues. To cope, he developed a tough personality that didn’t feel loneliness, one that was fearless and wanted to act out the anger he always suppressed. These “alters” could withstand the abuse he felt; other alters came to help him rise to national fame. Today, Walker realizes that these alternate personalities are part of dissociative identity disorder, which he was diagnosed with in adulthood.

How Common Is Dissociative Identity Disorder?

Statistics show the rate of dissociative identity disorder is .01% to 1% of the general population. Considering dissociation more broadly, more than a third of people say they feel as if they’re watching themselves in a movie at times (that is, possibly experiencing the phenomenon of dissociation), and 7% percent of the population may have some form of an undiagnosed dissociative disorder.

What’s the Recommended Treatment Plan for Dissociative Identity Disorder?

While there’s no “cure” for dissociative identity disorder, long-term treatment can be helpful, if the patient stays committed. Effective treatment includes talk therapy or psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and adjunctive therapies such as art or movement therapy. There are no established medication treatments for dissociative identity disorder, making psychologically-based approaches the mainstay of therapy. Treatment of co-occurring disorders, such as depression or substance use disorders, is fundamental to overall improvement.

Because the symptoms of dissociative disorders often occur with other disorders, such as anxiety and depression, medicines to treat those co-occurring problems, if present, are sometimes used in addition to psychotherapy.

Source:

WebMD Medical Reference Reviewed by Joseph Goldberg, MD on May 11, 2018

🖤Day 8🖤 Self Esteem boosters as a child. Old photos of me

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I put a copyright on these pictures like you might steal them. There are two old photos of me. One when I was a year old and the other with my high school ❤️. I remember growing up I was always skinny until I hit puberty then I plumped out. I had a pair of shorts that I could fit in from the time I was 3 until I was 8. Whenever my family from out of town came in they would ask, “Do you have a boyfriend?” Or “I bet all the boys are chasing after you. You are so pretty you should be a model.” This boosted my self esteem but had the opposite affect on my sister. I can also remember the first time my mom bought me a “big girl two piece” the bikinis with the shorts and padding on the top that made your boobs look good. I was probably 12 or 13 and my sister told me I was disgusting and looked like a cow. We went on vacation places and all the boys would stare and flirt with me the same when I went to summer camp. I was one of those girls who always had a “boyfriend” at camp. I was vain growing up because I knew I was pretty until I gained weight and then that went away and my self esteem once at a peak bottomed out. I couldn’t be fat. I always associated fat with ugly. I would say things to my friends like, “big boned, muscular, or just bloating from PMS. I had “boyfriends” in high school but it was just to justify to myself that even though I was bigger that I was still pretty. I started a dangerous diet in 9th grade that my mom caught before it got worse. Now I’m 34 plus size and will tell you that I am beautiful and may mean it 53% of the time.

My daughter looks like me when I was younger except with the prettiest head of red hair. I try to explain to her that she will marry and a good person and not focus on her looks because so many people do and she is gorgeous, but I don’t want her to feel like she needs someone especially a man to validate her worth. If she does find someone I hope they are like her dad who will tell you I’m beautiful but that isn’t why he fell in love with me. He can tell you what it is about me (personality, passion etc..) as to why he loves me. Sometimes I still need validation but I know he adores me and I hope my daughter will find that with someone.

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AFSP- American Foundation for Suicide Prevention- Out of the Darkness walk

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This year is my 3rd year doing the AFSP walk. I work around as a survivor but I see all of these people with pins, shirts, balloons in remembrance of someone who died by suicide as early as a month before the walk. You wonder what you did differently why did you survive it, medically I should’ve died on several different occasions but I am still here fighting. I’ve walked up to random people and just hugged them, because I feel their pain. I walk every year as a proof that dammit I did it. I make promises to people that I will be able to walk and leave my mark on this world somehow even if it is just talking to you guys. You can go to AFSP website sign up for a walk in your area or volunteer our voices will make the biggest differences.

My current medication regimen- popping pills like a pro

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I have a long list of medications and if you’ve ever been diagnosed you know that finding the exact right combination of pills is sometimes similar as looking for a 4 leaf clover. Medication process if you are a lucky unicorn is painless, but it wasn’t that way for me. I made a list one time of all the medication I’ve been on not including the dosage changes. I found an amazing psychiatrist who talks to me about things going on in my life, mood changes, current feelings and between him and the nurse in the office they take great care of me. I think if your psychiatrist can tell when you are completely full of shit and lying for pills, to the times you aren’t being completely honest to avoid the hospital and he always can. My insurance won’t cover him which is tough sometimes but I don’t mind because he is worth it! He and I have an agreement I will try and be 100% honest and if he think psych is necessary we will discuss it in great detail before the decision is made. (In 2015 that wasn’t always the case.)

My medication at this very moment looks like this: Lamictal 400 mg – btw when they put you on Lamictal and tell you if you develop a rash to go straight to the ER because of what it can turn into is terrifying. Seroquel – 600 mg an antipsychotic but also helps me sleep, most of the time. Restoril- to help some with nightmares. I am so good at meds that I can tell you what most of them are and what they are used for. I can also tell you about any reactions from mixing the medication. I also know their government and brand names. I also have Nuvigil which I never take because it makes me feel weird sometimes I feel like a zombie and numb other times I feel nothing at all it just depends on what is going on. I take my medicine at 7:30 every night like clockwork. The alarm is set on my phone and I make sure I have it. I can’t skip or take less then prescribed. I know at some point my meds will have to be adjusted but I think I can handle it now. A word of advice NEVER STOP TAKING YOUR PILLS COLD TURKEY YOU IT CAN CAUSE A LOT OF PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!!!!!!

Funny story- CVS handles my prescriptions because I have Caremark and if I ever have to go inside none of them want to talk to me. Why are you asking me what the generic name is and why are you asking me if you can fill it a day early? I don’t know can you fill it a day early? I don’t work in the pharmacy also when they call my prescription in (the office is an hour away from CVS) and they make it a point to tell me who they spoke with and when I get there and they say, “No one called us. We need to call them and confirm.” “No she just talked to you.” “It wasn’t me” “Yes it was I heard you say your name.” This will continue for a few minutes until the pharmacist comes over and tells me I’m wrong and then realizes I am right. There was also this woman, she didn’t last very long, would tell everyone “Wow that is a lot of medicine.” Yeah you really shouldn’t say that to people. I think she lasted a month and they fired her.

So this is my medicine story, What is yours?

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Open Mic Night 2018

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This year I wanted to do something different to raise money for the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk. This year is my third year and I am so excited! I normally go on Facebook and give people long winded stories on why suicide prevention is so important and the hotline number. The plus side to all of this are the people who come up to me and feel comfortable enough to tell me their story. I want that communication with everyone, the event started out as an original content only but quickly changed to bring more people in. I tried selling tickets online (which if you do this please check the websites credibility first. You live and you learn. I managed to raise $500 in one night. $500 I had cozies (I still have some if anyone is interested) and charged $7.50 a ticket with free food. I was hoping for $200 and when we got the final total I cried. I cried for so many reasons but mostly I cried because in a little over 2 hours we educated over 50 people about suicide and mental health. If you are able to reach one person you are successful.

I got up and told my story. I don’t do well in front of people and not fond of eye contact so I stared at the mic and probably talked a little too fast but when I said “I tried to die by suicide a year ago on 9/27/18. It was like all the was sucked out of the room. I could feel the eyes staring through me and I knew this was it, the time I wanted so bad and even though I seem very comfortable discussing my illness on social media saying it out loud was a completely different story. I never told the true story on my Facebook page but when I finished and walked away from the mic still shaking I was met with hugs, I love you’s, I didn’t know how bad it was, and please call me if you ever need anything. It was more support I expected but I welcomed it all. I never thought my words could have so much power. Which is why I started this blog and these social media sites, I wanted to spread my word and make a difference. I would quote Gandhi but his views about rape make me question his morales. I have attached some pics of the open night mic cozies and my centerpieces that turned out beautiful.

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🖤Day 6 🖤 3 Personality Traits I am proud of (This feels like one of those worksheets your therapist make you do)

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3 personality traits I am proud of… this requires a semi optimistic view of yourself, this is not one of my stronger traits. I’ve spent all day thinking about this and I’ve come up with the following: (I googled this for some inspiration and realized they are just adjectives)

1.) Passionate- This would probably be my #1 choice. I am extremely passionate as you can tell by my post. I believe that we can make a huge difference in the world if we are all open and honest about where we’ve been. I absolutely love all of us weirdos and have determined that the more comfortable we are to tell our stories the bigger difference we can make. I also want to help people who aren’t ready to tell their stories. I want you to know that no matter we our community stands by and supports all of your decisions (the positive ones not anything that would cause harm to yourself or anyone else.) We will change the world!!!

2.) Resourceful- Anyone that knows me will tell you I am one of the most resourceful person they know. I can make anything happen just give me 2 hours. I know ways around bills, rules and sometimes laws. I’ve unfortunately been through some severe circumstances but I don’t regret them. It wouldn’t make me the person I was without it. If you can put gas in 2 trucks, pay a partial light bill that is 4 months late and they are about to turn it off, water bill that is on the cut off list with only $200 in less than an hour. I also believe this has something to do with how poor you are growing up I think being poor you learn from your parents how to survive the struggle. I am thankful that these situations aren’t as common before but I always keep these options in my back pocket.

3.) Extraordinary- We all have this trait it doesn’t matter what you are going through you are an extraordinary person. You walk around with this Black Plague that can engulf you and you do it. No matter how hard it is you try, even when your trying feels unbearable. You do it for yourself, you family, your children and sometimes when we feel we can’t anymore we are still extraordinary because we lived a life that some people couldn’t handle in a day. You are extraordinary and you are a beautiful soul. You got this shit and fuck people who say you can’t do it.

🖤🖤🖤🖤

Physical symptoms of my illness.

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We all have them and they differ even with similar diagnosis.

In the last 3 years I’ve had 6 teeth pulled and I have a partial denture for 5 of them. They are my front teeth. My teeth decayed from years of not brushing them or going to the dentist. I physically could not do it. If you are reading this and not understand how that is possible deal with untreated depression. The things you are not capable of doing is a mile long. I could go for weeks sometimes months without showering, I still don’t think it is disgusting I just say it is depression. I never washed my clothes unless my husband did laundry and even then I would wear the same clothes for days sometimes weeks at a time no deodorant or freshening up. I just didn’t care. I would cut clumps of my hair out because it was so matted you couldn’t brush it. My weight verified depending on how things were. I would either gain a lot of weight from overeating or lose 20 pounds or more from not eating. I never slept in the same bed as my husband it was always on the couch for some bullshit excuse but the reason was simple. I hated me and I treated my body like it was a garbage because I was garbage. I didn’t love myself and I stayed like this for a long time. I had a job at the bank and they tried in so many different ways to tell me that I smelled and bought me little gifts of lotions, sprays, and body wash. My boss was a Miranda Priestly (which is a completely different topic.) I would forget to iron my clothes, my hair was always greasy. My husband and I would get into screaming matches over my personal hygiene. These are moments I am not proud of. I have scars all over me from picking (which I still do) the inside of my lips and my cheeks are covered in scars and tender spots from biting them so much. I think we don’t talk enough about our physical symptoms with our illness. I have and known people to have crippling migraines, cationic (It’s been years since the last time it happened to me.) alopecia, pneumonia the list goes on and on. The symptoms of our mental illness start to go down it turns physical. Please tell your story.

We notice them now, the physical symptoms and we try to take control over them before it gets worse.

Gun Threats, Bit Lipstick, used underwear. My short career at Wal-Mart.

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I don’t know if I’m allowed to say I worked there? I didn’t sign a NDA or anything but I’m not sure about the whole slander thing.

Anyway, I worked at Wal-Mart in 2004 – 2005. I started off as a cashier. Sunday’s were horrible especially after church. People come in on Sundays usually because they were paid on Friday and Saturday and buy a ton of groceries. I mean two or three carts of groceries. One full of meat the other vegetables and the rest miscellaneous things. Just a disclosure for everyone when they are grocery shopping please put your meat in a bag because the blood runs down the belt and it is disgusting. They pay in cash but not twenties, fifties or hundreds but in tens, fives and ones. So counting $300 in small bills is a pain the ass while trying to bag their groceries motioning for them to bring their cart up so I can put their groceries in because I’m running out of room and they aren’t paying you any attention. These are all things you do that piss off cashiers, also if you slowly put your items on the belt it messes up their scan time. They keep track of her SPM (scans per minutes) so the slower you are the worst the times are.

Other shitty things: Read your fucking WIC list before you go to the store. I had WIC they gave you a full list of what you could buy. EBT – You know when they load your money. I know you do so why must you buy $200 worth of groceries and then argue with me why your EBT card isn’t working only to realize there is no money on it. These weren’t people who were new to it I saw them frequently at the beginning of the month. It is a pain in the ass to have to shut your line down to reverse all of the items you just bought. You have to make sure the perishables are put away first. It’s just a pain.

I also did Layaway….I just can’t with that. If you knew you couldn’t afford half of the shit you on layaway then why did you do it. You come to pick up your layaway (which Wal-Mart has an extremely shitty way of cataloging it to make it easy to find.) so then when we finally pull your layaway items you don’t want any of them except one thing. I will tell you if you came to the Wal-Mart I worked out you probably got free stuff because it wasn’t wrapped well and we were busy so we just started grabbing some of the stuff.

Self Checkout- If you want a list of ways to cheat the self checkout I can give them to you for a small fee. You aren’t fooling anyone with some of the tricks you pulled. Just because you try to buy beer from the self checkout doesn’t mean we won’t check your ID dumbass people. When it says place the item in the bag. Place the item in the bag and move your hands it goes off weight and if your band is on it then it throws the weight off and we have to override it. We are also judged on the amount of overrides we do, so next time you go to Wal-Mart don’t be a dick and follow the prompts. Also if you decide at 2 am that you need to hit up the electronics department and go through self checkout with over $200 worth of items and hand me a check that doesn’t have your name on it anywhere and tell me you don’t have an ID, but it is okay but it is your grandmothers and she sent you to get these items. I’m sure your grandmother was up at 2 am saying please go buy all of these electronics with my checkbook. No and I will call the police because I can guarantee you stole it. The same with credit cards. Just because we worked at Wal-Mart doesn’t mean we are stupid. I will save you the spill about door greeter and working in lawn and garden. I only did those to cover breaks and by the time their break was over I wanted to stab stupid people.

Customer Service Desk- This is the good stuff. I quickly made my way to customer service desk because I’m good at it and the only positive thing I can say is you develop a thick skin fast. My first day up there by myself (They trained me for 1 day btw) a man in a wheelchair came up with bullets to return. There is a HUGE sign behind me that has a list of things you couldn’t return and bullets were there in big bold letters. I told him he couldn’t return them and he got mad and threatened to shoot me which I retorted, “No you can’t you don’t have the right bullets.” There were a ton of other ways to handle that but that definitely wasn’t the right way. This was the start to a 6 month dedication to help stupid people who constantly screamed at you and called you stupid told you to get a better job and ask you why you couldn’t find anything better than Wal-Mart (people suck and I was 19). We had a woman come in repeatedly with lipstick to return and EVERY TIME I opened it there would be teeth marks. I would point them out and she would say it was that way when I bought it even though her receipt is from 3 days ago. Way-Mart used to have a policy if it is under a certain amount just to refund it. Those barcodes on the back of items are scanned and specifically for that retailer so when you go buy shit at Target and try to return it at Wal-Mart it won’t work because the barcode won’t read on the system. If you buy underwear or bathing suits you CANNOT return them. Firstly that is absolutely disgusting and secondly when we have to touch them and there are tread marks in them. I know the bag was sealed when you bought it so telling me “It was like that when I bought it.” Doesn’t work. We don’t believe that with anything you return. You bought the underwear a month ago but they didn’t fit, but there are tread marks and I can tell you washed them. Trying to return electronics goes to electronics for a reason. When DVDs were popular people would take other DVDs that were old and scratched and exchange them for new ones. That went for almost all of the electronics. You can’t return gift cards they are like cash and why would you want to return them anyway that is tacky.

Wal-Mart treats their employees like shit. You never got the overtime you deserved or pay increases you were supposed to get instead they worked you 10+ days in a row without a day off. Our lunches normally didn’t happen until the register cut you off and made you go. None of the managers bothered to learn your name the turn over rate is so high there was no need to. When I left there I didn’t burn that bridge. I loaded it with dynamite blew that bitch up. I’ve never worked anywhere like Wal-Mart and maybe they’ve gotten better over the years but it was a horrible place to work. I started off at $7.20 am hour and when I left I was making $8.00 with little to no overtime pay, and fucked up holiday pay.

The man that lives beside my bed. Schizophrenia and psychosis manifestation.

Bipolar Happens1 Comment

I’ve debated this post and I’ve started and stopped it so many times. I am open about my addiction, my bipolar, mood swings, suicide attempts, hell even the exorcism but this one is hard for me. This is the part of the illness I’m not so open about because this is where the stigma about mental health finds a home. I’ve talked about it before and people are scared of me so much so they wouldn’t let their children play with my daughter. The good thing is anyone who is reading this and part of the mental health community can feel me on this subject with great understanding. I probably should talk about this more anyway.

I was diagnosed in July of 2013 the man appeared in April of 2014 but he’s never gone away. It doesn’t matter what antipsychotic they put me on what dose it is he doesn’t go away, but if I am taking my antipsychotic he doesn’t talk to me as much. I know how that sounds and I also know I am opening up a door for criticism and judgement but he is very much a part of my life. My husband, close friends, psychiatrist and my old therapist know all about him and they worry if I start to mention him because that means I am getting bad again and fast.

***Schizophrenia is a mental illness that causes psychosis, but schizophrenia also has other symptoms. And it isn’t the only cause of psychosis. In some cases, other mental illnesses cause psychosis, including depression, bipolar disorder, dementia and borderline personality disorder.*** In case you have no idea what I am talking about.

The man doesn’t have a face and he used to be a silhouette but as time passed he became more distinct. I would describe his shape almost like Jack on “The Nightmare before Christmas.” He’s tall and lean with extremely long arms and legs his fingers stretch out almost as far as his arm, but his face is still a shadow and he talks to me. It isn’t English but it isn’t tongues before any of you get excited about another exorcism. It is almost like a made up language between the two of us. Basically it’s your imaginary friend that’s been bit by a demon and won’t go away. When I stop taking my meds he starts with simple things keeping me awake he pokes at my anxiety. Then he starts with putting things in my head and I can’t avoid him so I start talking back. Those conversations start off with pacing back and forth then speaking quickly in between his sentences. I get hot and end up with half naked shaking and talking louder and louder. This normally happens in the middle of the night and wakes my husband up and I start rubbing the bottoms of my feet talking incoherently. From this point it gets blurry but he eventually doesn’t become the man beside my bed he is the man beside me everywhere.

The worst case was when I had an appointment with my therapist and he told me not to go as almost wrecked my car on the way there but when I got to the office I tell her he is here and she says she wants to talk to him and kept saying it wasn’t a good idea but she didn’t listen. I don’t know what happened but she said she could feel someone else in the room and there was a chill in the air.

That is as much as I am willing to talk about right now the more I say the more he starts to communicate.