Tag: bipolar

🖤 Day 23 🖤 Pet Peeves 🖤 🤬

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I honestly don’t have many of these. I am a reasonable and understanding person. I’ve had an interesting life so I really can’t judge other people.

🖤 Smacking- I think everyone feels this way about smacking. When my daughter is chewing gum I tell her to close her mouth because she looks like a cow chewing grass.

🖤Talking while a show is on- This irritates me. There is a reason for commercials or at least ask me to pause it first. You don’t have to wait for the middle of a show to ask me a question or tell me something when you had all this time before.

🖤 Multiple TV’s on at once- If I am in the bedroom and I can hear the TV in the living room and my daughters Xbox game in her room it is almost over stimulating and starts to irritate me quickly.

🖤My phone- If I show you a picture on my phone that doesn’t mean I am giving you an invitation to swipe through my pictures so if you see something you weren’t supposed to remember it wasn’t an invitation to look through it.

🖤 Social Media- So the same goes for social media. If I show you a post from my private page that doesn’t give you the right to scroll through my newsfeed. Be respectful people!!

🖤 My writing- If I give you something of mine to read there is a reason asking me if that is all annoys me. I had enough courage to show that much be thankful.

🖤 Talking about yourself- Saying let me tell you something about me or what you need to know about me drives me nuts. You will show me who are you don’t need to tell me because you are full of shit.

That’s honestly all I can think of.

🖤

Just like magic I’ve reappeared

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I’m sorry if I’ve been MIA for a few days. I’m trying to sleep better and not be such a bitch. My doctor gave me a new medicine to try, I am on day 4 and I’ve noticed a slight difference. The dreams are still not quite right not and it sucks when I can’t even nap without having them. I am working on updating my 31 day challenge. I am trying to hold to my commitment to finish it even though it is hard sometimes. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do when it is over, but I think I am going to do what I am grateful for next month. It is amazing how when I started I could think of 1000 topics but about a month in I’m like oh shit! I need to make sure I have good content for my subscribers. If you are on Instagram check me out. The last few days it was easier than writing the blog. I’m trying to line them up together.

Right now my issues with my moods is a topic I am covering which I hope is helping other people. It is something I was nervous about discussing in the beginning because I know what it sounds like. So I am back and plan on catching up on everything. I will be on all day. I have a plan to be a little productive today and I have caffeine to help. So I have some good posts coming. Stay tuned…….

This is an extremely exaggerated statement. I would give it all up for my daughter and husband to never have to worry about me and my illness again.

🖤 Day 22🖤 10 favorite songs

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This is a fun topic!! I love music so I may pick more than 10 because who only has 10 favorite songs? It definitely isn’t this girl!!!

🖤Hallelujah- If you’ve seen my tattoos you know I have part of the song tattooed on my arm in my handwriting. This song is my anxiety calm down song. I have almost every version of this song I can find on YouTube, Spotify, Facebook. Just where ever I can find it because I think every version is beautiful. Hallelujah holds a great power with me it has helped me put down pill bottles before. It helps with issues of disassociation….it is like medicine but better for you. I think we all have that one song that holds us together and this is my song.

🖤 Mariah Carey- I realize this isn’t a song but it is easier to just say her name then listing everyone of her songs. Mariah got me through my middle school years. I went through so many of her cd’s and tapes. I would listen to it every single day sometimes all day. It was definitely my favorite hiding place.

🖤 Boyz II Men- Do I need to say anything else? It’s fucking Boyz II Men and it can’t get any better than that. I bought II at least 10 times because I wore the CD out. It was perfect for any mood. It solved all of my teenage problems and I still have every single song on Spotify now. If you ever heard their version of “In my life” by The Beatles you would know that they do it better.

🖤 In my life and BlackBird- The Beatles. I don’t like ALL of their songs but these two are definitely my favorite. I used to sing BlackBird to my daughter….(one of the 5 memories I have.) when she was a baby. The Beatles definitely was a good baby soother.

🖤 Let Her Go- Passenger – I know she went from ionic music to this, but this song holds more sentimental value than anything else. This song first came on when I went to the hospital that ended up with the Ativan and started the mental health adventure. This song can go either way. It can help me but it can also be damaging depending on what kind of mood I am in.

🖤 Beautiful Birds- Passenger and Birdy- This is similar to Let Her Go it depends on the mood whether this is good or damaging. The first time I heard this song I was at the place and I spazzed out completely. I was disassociated from everything and they were scared for me to drive anywhere by myself luckily my husband was only a mile down the road so they called to let him know I was on my way to him and then let them know I made it okay. I listened to this song and fell asleep. It was in February so it was extremely cold and his truck didn’t have heat so I curled up in a ball and slept for at least 3 hours while he was working.

🖤 Waiting to Exhale soundtrack- This is just life. My entire middle school and half of my high school years can be summed up by the songs on this soundtrack. Mary J. Blige Not Gon’ Cry when a boy broke up with me I would go in my room put my headphones on and blast this song. This is also when I would start writing trying to let my anger out.

🖤 Whitney Houston- I don’t care what anyone has to say about her personal life which no one has the right to judge because you don’t know the shit she probably dealt with but she could sing. She was in the list of Mariah and Boyz II Men. The first time I heard this soundtrack I was in 6th grade because I remember my great aunt coming down and going to Helen with her, my mom and grandma listening to Count on Me on repeat. I imagined a friend and I singing this song at a talent show. I was just pretending that I knew how to sing.

🖤 Strawberry Wine-Deana Carter- 5th and 6th grade. We had a new girl at school who would end up being my best friend and our clique ran the school. I remember all the sleepovers we would have, hanging out in our friends attic (she had the biggest house out of all us.) We spent so many nights hanging out and talking in the attic. I think of all the fun we had it makes me smile and brings tears to my eyes. We had a group that went to “counseling” for some bullshit reason that we made up so we could skip class and hang out together, then she moved. My other close friend skipped a grade so she was at a new school. We listened to this song on repeat and every time I hear it I think about hanging up in the attic together talking about boys, and the future, whatever television show was popular. Those are priceless memories.

🖤 What a wonderful World- Louis Armstrong- I was 13 when I asked my mom for a Louis Armstrong cd. I pronounced his entire name by the way because I thought it sounded cool. I wanted it on vinyl because everything sounds better on Vinyl. I had great taste in music when I was younger. This was during my I take myself too seriously as a writer phase. I used it to help me write because you know I was destined for greatness at an early age.

🖤 Over the Rainbow- Israel Kamakawiwo’ole- I am almost positive at spelled his name right. This is the best version of this song every made!!! I sang this to my daughter too. I play it every year on her birthday, I can associate memories with music. I can remember things from when I was 5 years old if I hear a song. It is what is saving my brain.

🖤 Rent soundtrack- Rent is incredible the first time I saw it I was 7 month pregnant with my daughter and in a wheelchair because of my back. I was in awe the entire time. I just remember thinking what amazing talent someone had to write this. My dream is to see it on Broadway one day. We saw it last year in the same place and it was better than the first time.

🖤 Weekly Update 5 🖤

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🖤 I really need to do these on Sundays like I keep saying I would.

🖤 I can’t believe we are already at 5!!!!

🖤 My subscriber list has increased greatly on my blog

🖤 My followers on Instagram grew over night

🖤 My Facebook page is slowly gaining some momentum. It is mostly my post from Instagram

🖤 Still no sodas. I am holding strong on that but caffeine and I struggling. I’ve latched onto coffee which isn’t as horrible as RedBulls but still not good.

🖤 I haven’t worked out since the first update. I don’t walk like I should and I stopped my squats when I go to the bathroom. I also stopped planking and drinking water like I should. I don’t eat much still all of these sleep issues mixed with anxiety keeps me from being super hungry.

🖤 I have decided to dive deep into my book again even though that is almost like jumping down a rabbit hole, but the more I talk about it I want to produce something so it isn’t just me hyping something up.

🖤 My days off I swear I am going to update my blog but I decide to be lazy instead and don’t get as much accomplished. I could write shitty small post but to write something I am proud of and want to be out there takes time. My grammar may not be great but the content is worth it. I have read more about different types of punctuation to get better at exactly where to put them.

🖤 The way that this is growing is amazing. I still get just as excited from one subscriber and for each one that adds on. I screen shot everyone and send it to my husband so keep subscribing so I can blow his phone up!!!

🖤 Post about the new meds I am on to help with the dreams (it is kind of working.) coming soon

This is it for week 5 can’t wait to see what the next week will bring. 🖤

🖤 Day 21 🖤 Something I miss (without making me cringe later)

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I am going to try and keep this from something I will read later and cringe because I took myself too seriously. These are in no particular order:

🖤 Living in Athens- After my husband and I graduated high school we moved to Athens. Athens, Georgia is a big city compared to where we came from so moving there was awesome. I wish things didn’t happen the way they did, but we had some good times. Our first New Years Eve in Athens I “bought” some of this horrible cheap champagne at Kroger when I got off work. They marked it down and forgot to make sure when it rang up that it would prompt for your age. I have other memories from New Years Eve at Kroger but we won’t get into those. We tried to drink it but it was horrible. I miss being that close to everything and not having all the responsibilities we have now. We lived in an apartment complex and paid $420 a month for a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. The complex had 2 pools and all kinds of amenities even though the laundry situation wasn’t the greatest we loved it. That freedom and the amount of money we wasted.

🖤 Band- I was definitely a band geek and damn proud. I played most woodwind instruments, piano (self taught) and drum line for awhile. I always wanted to go to Juilliard but life had different plans. I wish I took it seriously because I was always told that I had natural talent. I plan on buying a keyboard one day and teaching my daughter how to play. Music has always relaxed me and with her anxiety I think learning to play would be good for her. I told her if she can type with two hands she can play piano. (Sometimes when I am typing I pretend like I am playing the keyboard. I know I am weird.)

🖤 Dead family members- I didn’t know a better way to say this but you know we always take our grandparents/ parents for granted. I wish I paid better attention to the stories they told, took more pictures, had more home movies. I was an 80’s baby so the video cameras then were as big as a laptop now. We have old movies from when I was younger and a good bit of pictures. My mom moved a lot when she was younger so they lost stuff and she didn’t have as many pictures from her childhood so her mission was to make sure we had pictures from everything. I do that for my daughter and my husband. His uncle was the only person in his family to really take any pictures of them but whenever my daughter is around her grandad. I make sure to get those pictures he is in his 70’s and while I hope for her he lives to be 100 he is almost a 2 pack a day guy. Those are pictures she will cherish one day because she loves her grandad more than anyone else in the family I think. I would go back in time and record some of those stories by the fire.

🖤 Friends- We grow up and out grow our friends it isn’t a negative thing it just happens that way sometimes not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. I lost some friends because of my illness and I wish I could take it all back but I can’t and it makes me sad sometimes because I lost some very special people in my life and if they are reading this right now all I can say is it was my fault and I am sorry. I hope one day some of you come back in my life because you were extremely special to me to the others yeah… I don’t give a fuck and I’m glad you are gone.

🖤 My daughter- I don’t remember a lot about my daughter when she was a baby or a toddler. My illness and prescription problems kind of started around then. I can’t remember when she started walking or talking. I can’t remember much of it and I try to avoid when she asks me certain questions because I can’t remember and I am one of those parents who didn’t finish the baby book. My memory is getting worse so if something does pop up in my mind I make sure to write it down. I want her to have things to show her children one day if she has any or for her to keep.

This is as sappy as I want to get for now.

Anxiety Coloring

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Props to the people who can actually keep their hands steady enough to color. I call bullshit on most of those anxiety coloring books. My anxiety looks like broken melted crayons soaked in sweat anger and tears. I don’t have a first thought of my anxiety bad so I’m just going to color.I just don’t think it is relaxing or feasible in a situation where your anxiety is peaking. I start to spazz out rather quickly so maybe it is just me with that problem. I tried one time to work on a coloring book and all I wanted to do was rip the pages out. This is kind of like those fidget spinners even though they were made with the best of intentions people have kind of gone overboard with them. They are for people who want to say “anxiety” or “ADD/ADHD” but they just wanted to be part of a fad.

#mentalhealth #bipolar #bipolaroutcasts #depressed #depression #manic #mentalhealthawareness #schizophrenia #moodswings #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthblogging #anxiety #semicolon #semicolonproject #smallvictories #hypomanic #rapidcycle #gettingoutbed #gettingoutbedvictory #myillnesswontwin #losethebattlewinthewar #fuckbipolar #blogger #blogging #suicide #suicideawareness #psychosis #foreverafighter #breathe

Suck my dick

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Dear bitchy mom,
You messaged me and then blocked me before I could reply. I’m not responsible for what your child looks at or does on social media that is actually your job. I, however will not “tone it down” because there are children on Instagram. My child is on Instagram too her account is attached to mine so I can see EVERYTHING she does. You are one of those people who want to blame everyone in society for the bad things people do instead of saying you fucked up. It’s okay in reality we are all shitty parents and we will screw up one way or another, but do not blame other people. I’ve fucked my child up with some of the stuff I’ve done but I will tell you it’s my fault. You need to get off your fucking high horse and pay attention to your child instead of messaging people like me and asking me to “tone it down.” On that same note I don’t know if you think mental illness is a Disney movie with cupcakes rainbow and a happy ending because news flash it isn’t. It is like a bad 80’s horror movie with teenagers screwing in the woods and getting murdered by some weirdo (sorry to spoil the ending). Society feels the need to censor us because we make the world uncomfortable well we are uncomfortable dammit and if we have to here about your last dr visit to get the flu shot Barbara then you can suck it up and listen to us. So to answer your question, No I will not “tone it down” or “censor myself” stop bitching about everyone else and take care of your own….. oh and btw SUCK MY DICK! Thanks! Have a blessed day. 🖤 #mentalhealth #bipolar #bipolaroutcasts #depressed #depression #manic #mentalhealthawareness #schizophrenia #moodswings #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthblogging #anxiety #semicolon #semicolonproject #smallvictories #hypomanic #rapidcycle #gettingoutbed #gettingoutbedvictory #myillnesswontwin #losethebattlewinthewar #fuckbipolar #blogger #blogging #suicide #suicideawareness #psychosis

🖤Day 19🖤 – My worst habits

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This is a fairly easy one.

Picking- I have this one spot on my forehead I pick when I start to get upset or anxious. I guess it is kind of like biting your nails. I keep my nails really short so I don’t bite them.

Biting my lip and cheek- I have scars from biting them both. It isn’t a little nibble it is the same as chewing food. This is from anxiety. It is how I attempt to calm myself down without hurting myself badly.

Yawning- I yawn when I’m in uncomfortable situations. I make myself yawn. I don’t know why I do it is just a habit I have. I think it is to keep my mouth from talking and saying something I shouldn’t.

Interrupting people- When I’m on an up swing it is really bad. I’m easily irritable and if I think you are being too self centered I will just make you stop talking. If you are annoying in general I will cut you off or just walk away

Facial Expressions (RBC) – My face can keep no secrets. My husband gets onto me about this when we are at church or something for the city and people are talking to me. I just have this look that usually says shut up or I don’t care. When he nudges me I realize that I have went into a daze and stopped listening.

Swearing- Swearing to me is as normal saying the or they. It is a normal part of my vocabulary, I don’t even realize that I am swearing sometimes until someone points it out. There are swears then there are dirty words I try to avoid unless I am around certain people.

Bubble- Whenever I get really stressed out and need an escape I go to my book. I can live in my book and the scenarios I can resolve and parts I can enjoy. This causes me to lose touch with reality and get off schedule.

Knuckle popping- I think a lot of people have this problem. I love to crack my knuckles, pop my fingers or my jaw. I’ve heard it isn’t good for you but I love doing it.

Screenshots- I don’t know if this is necessary a bad habit but I will screenshot anything. If you want to come with something you better have your receipts to prove it. I enjoy screenshots even if I can’t read all of it then I can read it later if someone deletes it.

My phone- I have an extremely bad habit with my phone especially if people are talking to me. I constantly check it and if I am on messenger with my husband just stop talking.

🖤 Day 18🖤 What am I afraid of…..

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Things that scare me:

Psych hospital- I think once you’ve been to psych the idea of going back to psych scares you. It makes you overly cautious of what you say and do wondering how close you are to getting booty juiced again. When you are in hospital the world is working without you and when you come back out you forget where you fit in.

Relapsing- Everyone who struggles with any sort of addiction will tell you relapse is terrifying. You constantly think about your triggers and watch everything around you. It also sucks because you have to watch your actions among other people. People who may drag you down to where they are. It’s a never ending cycle.

Losing my husband and daughter- will I fuck up with the stuff above and that be his breaking point with me.

Suicide- What if it gets bad again and I’ve used up all of my 9 lives and this time it works.

My daughter being like me- I don’t want her to ever be like me, go through what I’ve been through. We know more now then we knew back then so we are better off but I know how much is heredity and it terrifies me.

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

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I’m trying to eat lunch. I really am even though my body disagrees and it feels like I’m forcing it down. I have salmon for lunch and I love salmon but every bite I take makes me feel like I’m going to vomit. I am trying to force the rest of me to believe that I need to eat. It is hard to force myself and maybe I shouldn’t but I know I will feel sick later if I don’t….I mean I will feel sick no matter what but it’s worse when I don’t eat. I want to crawl into bed and go back to sleep and maybe I will sleep for a little while without the dreams coming back. The dreams are almost unbearable and I don’t want to call my doctor because I’m scared of the inpatient conversation. My husband says I sleep like a rock, but it feels like I sleep in 45 minute intervals waking up constantly confused and upset. My moods wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the dreams. I have to call him I know I do. I tried the increase of Seroquel like he told me to do but it isn’t helping. I just want to stop dreaming. It only manifests to my anxiety and makes my anxiety worse and then I don’t sleep. My dreams aren’t useful and problem solving just a nuisance.

I called my doctor about my dreams and they are supposed to call me back but they didn’t. I appreciate my husband for making supper but I can’t eat still. I’m just not up to it. I am scared to go to bed tonight I’m scared of what I am going to see. I’ll try to keep up on my issues as they unfold and what works and doesn’t work. It reminds me of a prayer I was taught as a child.

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

It is kind of cryptic but right now feels true.