Home screen

Someone asked me one day about my home screen and so this is my home screen. There are pictures of my husband and I because he is awesome there were pictures with my daughter but because I am posting it I changed it to myself and my husband.

This is almost like showing you my diary, it is kind of strange. I just want you to know I DO NOT LIKE NOTIFICATIONS ON APPS. If you hand me your phone that has like 34243242 notifications I will hand it back to you, just take 5 minutes and clean it up PEOPLE.

First row:

  • Text messages- I don’t get many of those anymore because I use messenger for almost everyone.
  • Photos- Here is the deal, if I hand you the phone to show you a picture. DO NOT SWIPE LEFT OR RIGHT. There are and will be photos you do not want to see. I google weird shit and save pictures that will make you question many things.
  • Camera- One of the most used apps on my phone. I take picture of everything (which is why you shouldn’t swipe)
  • Calculator- This is my sad app. I use this app when I get paid to calculate how poor I am.

Second Row:

  • Photo & Video: These are all photo editing, collage, filtering apps. My personal pictures especially of my daughter are here. I love these apps. If you want more info about any of those apps just let me know.
  • Calendar- The only purpose of this being on phone is so I could see the date because I can never remember what day it is and check it regularly because I forget.
  • Google- Google is google and it is another one of the most used apps on my phone.
  • Utilities- It has my clock which is my alarm clock, settings just for WiFi, Safari when Google wants to be stupid.

Third Row:

  • WordPress- Well this obvious my blog lives here and as much as notification numbers can irritate me I love looking at the number of likes I have.
  • Instagram- This is the same. These two are my lifeline to the career I’ve always wanted so those notifications are never bad notifications.
  • Hashtag Pro- This is my best friend I always use it before I post on instagram because it is so much easier to find the hashtags and make a list before posting. It is so simple I can do it. Just type them in copy and paste and you are done.
  • Follow Track- Keeping track of your stats on WordPress is much easier than keeping track of your stats on Instagram and also breaking down those stats and insight to help you grow equally as complicated. This as my daughter calls it is an old persons way of understanding social media.

Fourth Row:

  • Facebook- This is mostly my private account everything from my blog or instagram automatically posts on the Bipolaroutcasts page.
  • Messenger- The only real way I communicate with people unless it is a text message. I despise calling people. I ignore almost every call and have my phone blocked to decline numbers that aren’t in my contact list.
  • Timehop- This is my weird superstitious app that I have. So I love looking back at my facebook and instagram photos but I have to check it everyday and never let it lapse. I am really weird about it. It is a cool app and it is free so you should download it,
  • Pinterest- I got the app back when you had to send you information in and be approved to join. That tells you how long I’ve had it or just how old I am. This is where I get ideas for decorating, workouts, food preps, things to do with my daughter, fun quotes and I do none of the items listed ever. It is a fun world of make believe.

Fifth Row:

  • YouTube- When I am looking for a way to distract myself (not that I need any help) I am a YouTube junkie.
  • SnapChat- I never actually post anything on my SnapChat I just use it for filters and to make silly videos I save and send to my friends.
  • Tumblr- Still learning how to use it though I do have an account linked to my Instagram and blog.
  • Google + – I just realized I needed to log in again. It just post from my blog on there. I don’t use it like I need too.

Sixth Row:

  • Holy Bible- Yes even with the things I’ve been through and my filthy mouth I am a Christian. We take many different forms and obviously I am one of them. I do believe in God but also believe in other peoples right to believe what they like. I just want to add this: I will never disrespect you or your beliefs but you do not disrespect mine. I won’t judge you so please don’t judge me.
  • Notes- There are so many blog ideas in those notes if I went through them also there are conversations my husband and I share when we are in church or someone else where we can’t really talk
  • My water- This is my attempt to keep up with and hold me accountable to not drinking enough water everyday. It notifies me all the time by vibrating and asking have you had water today. Which I ignore and continue on with my business.
  • Scrivener- Is a kind of expensive app I use to keep track of and work on my book. It is a great app but it is $20 and I need to send more book for editing.

My bottom bitch:

  • Phone- If I actual need to call someone
  • Music- All of my music lives here. I will delete other apps to keep my music if I have to.
  • Bills and what little money I have is tracked here
  • Mail- I have an email Bipolaroutcasts@gmail.com if you ever want to send me an email.

So this concludes the complete waste of 20 minutes that could’ve been dedicated to a good post that I wasted.

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There are just days I can’t participate in life.

Today is one of those days. It is pouring down rain here and I can’t see well while I am driving and it makes me nervous I am trying to catch the dog because he is loose and I am scared he will get runover I am late for work, I forgot my umbrella then it happens…. I get a call from Georgia Power saying my prepaid account is in the negative and unless I cover the balance they are going to shut my lights off. I panicked and tried to make a payment but the prepaid card I keep for back up won’t work and I can’t get on their site or app to move money over and I don’t know what to do so I call my husband who again is a saint and saved the day with his debit card. I just to crawl under and a rock right now. I get to see my hubby and daughter for dinner so at least there is that.

Bipolar Chronicles- Support (this isn’t another my husband is wonderful post)

The biggest thing about having a mental health is having support which comes in many forms and sometimes from people you would never suspect. So no this isn’t me gushing again about how amazing my husband is (we all know he is like a saint.) but my support is large and comes from many places like those of you who read my blog and Instagram. Your words of encouragement mean so much to me and the likes and follows on my account make me smile especially when I am having a rough day. Let’s talk about support:

-My best friend who unfortunately had to go through the shit storm that was 2015 with me even though we hadn’t been friends that long she still stood by me the entire time. I was so nasty and hateful towards her so many times and every time I apologized she said, “I forgive you.” She said it so fast without blinking an eye, there was no thought or hesitation she just forgave me every single time I pushed her away or said hateful things that hurt her. I hated her for awhile and saying it now makes me sick to my stomach. I hated her because she was always happy and understanding. I hated her because I was jealous of the type of friend she was able to be and I could never return it to her. I hated that no matter what she was always there because sometimes I just wanted her to go away. I tried to push her away so many times but she never budged. She would text and message me everyday and I wouldn’t respond she is persistent because she never stopped. I think back now to all the people who would run away but instead she stayed and was able to withstand the tornado I was stuck in.She is a true example of a good Christian and an amazing friend. If you are lucky enough to know her keep her in your life good people like her are hard to find.  In case you are reading this I love you. I love you for the amazing person you are, I love you for never giving up on me and for standing beside me through everything for every reason I hated you, I love you for now and I know I’ve told you this many times but I just wanted to say it again.
– Facebook groups- These are a bad idea and after being kicked out of 3 I would advise you to stay far away for them. Older women can be extremely petty more so than younger woman. I was in the first group and became popular/hated because as I will later find out the majority of the women in these group did not have any mental health issues they just wanted to bitch/attention from random strangers on the internet (insert hypocrite with a blog) They also wanted to cause problems where there weren’t any and if any of you are reading this and remember any of the 3 groups I was in you will remember that I told you that you never win if you play dirty and that is why all of you had a fall out you created problems that weren’t there. You also need to not lie about having DID because it is a serious illness and almost impossible to diagnose so to all of those bitches please suck my dick. Just don’t promise it isn’t worth your energy
– Tater- If you are friends with me on Facebook or seen post on Instagram I have a friend I call Tater. Where did Tater come from? I have no idea but it just works so I call her Tater. I’ve only known Tater for almost 2 years but she saved my life and we’ve never met. I live in Georgia and she lives at least 500-600 miles away. We met on one of those Facebook groups (the only good thing to ever come from it.) It was 2017 and I was manic and suicidal. I kept going live on Facebook while I was popping pills and drinking whiskey (that was the smartest thing I ever did.) and on the last one I took a bunch of pills and she called my husband. This woman who at the time new me for a couple of months blew up my husbands messenger, phone and whatever else she could to get in contact with him because I passed out and I don’t know what  would’ve happened if no one knew what I did. After that we became twins and instant best friends. We are there for each other in a way that is hard for other people because we share the same illness. It makes our friendship hard at times because two bipolar people can offset the other, but we make it work and just like every relationship I am in with people it is complicated but I love her and hope to meet her one day the person that saved my life.
– Anonymous 2- I have to limit these two because of other privacy reasons but I love both of them. Anonymous 1 was the very first person to read my book. I have a great deal of love and respect for them. They also knew when things were going bad and would deal with me in a different way. They were a security blanket for me and even though they aren’t in the same area anymore we talk all the time and I know if I ever need something they are there. This person saved my life multiple times and also would call bullshit on a few things I did. They are one of the biggest influences in my life and it is amazing how in such a weird circumstance we met and became friends. Anonymous 2 is the same thing. I want to say more but I can’t. Thank you both! I love you more than words can ever express.

I am so blessed to have such a large support system because it is something hard to find. I wouldn’t be where I am without them.

Once in awhile you blow your own damn mind

Today I was very productive more so than I’ve been in awhile. I managed to catch up on almost all of my blog post and a good amount of instagram. I started up the Bipolar Chronicles again and slowly but surely they are being released every couple of days. This is more my daily thoughts, moods and going ons. I have managed to hyper focus and get so much work done. I am very proud of myself for sticking to my goals and getting anything accomplished. I am very easily distracted so for me to put the time and energy in to focus is amazing. It takes a lot of work but I am definitely on my way.

Stats:

No workout

75 ounces of water

Mood; 🙂

I’m just going to put an out of order sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Today has been the day from hell. I want to be with my husband and daughter and I can’t be plus everyone around me is sick and grumpy. I want this day to be over already. I am off tomorrow and when I get home I know there is going to be tension because my daughter has a project for school and any school work at all with her isn’t fun because she gets aggravated and starts to fuck it up on purpose. I just want to be done for the day and crawl back in my bed and go to sleep.

Stats for today:

100 ounces of water

No exercise

Mood is 😐 and 😦

Shoot for the moon even if you miss you will land among the stars.

I needed something uplifting after the day I had. I am so stressed out with everything happening around me. I haven’t had a chance to update everything the way I wanted to. I need a vacation from everything. I am trying to figure out how to manage everything and be there for people emotionally, mentally and physically but it is so hard. I can only be a good support system for so long before I collapse and need you more than you needed me. I am trying to do better drinking more water but it isn’t helping at all. I need guidance over this next year on exactly what I should do. I feel like I am lost completely.

Weekly Update 12

– We are just going to completely skip the diet and exercise.

– No sodas or caffeine….almost I still drink coffee

– I am drinking more water than anything else right now which is great.

– I had a doctor visit today….

– No more challenges as I talked about last time.

– The Bipolar Chronicles are something I’ve worked on and I think I am ready to share them with the world. These are things that I’ve gone through from the time I was diagnosed. There are pictures and stories I’ve never shared before.

-Thank you for all of you support.

Let’s keep on talking

#bipolarstrong

🖤

Photo Day 2- Eat me up buttercup – a look at my breakfast!

This again is from the walk. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts and I quickly learned they don’t have a great breakfast options besides donuts. I ordered a bacon egg and cheese bagel without the egg. I can’t eat eggs like that it tears my stomach up every time. The bagel was a little crispy and there were burnt pieces on my hash browns but it was enough to tide me over until we went and ate lunch/dinner. I wouldn’t recommend breakfast there ever.

🖤 Day 30 🖤 Favorite comfort foods

This won’t be a long list because I don’t have many because anxiety keeps me from eating. Chocolate isn’t on top of my list though it is my picture

🖤 Deli meats- I absolutely love deli meats more specifically Italian deli meats. I don’t need bread or anything else. I eat it right out of the bag because why not right?

🖤 Caffeine- I can’t have it anymore but it used to be extremely comforting to snuggle up with a RedBull because it made me feel better.

🖤 Slim Jims and popcorn- Who doesn’t love popcorn and popcorn with a good movie. Some people love sweets but personally love salt and butter.

🖤Peppermint- Helps with anxiety.

This is a short list but it is all I can think of

🖤