Trigger warning and rant:
If you can tell I’m being a little generic in the post because I don’t know the best way to tell it and I really don’t want to trigger anyone. This all happened in 2015 for those of you who read this and feel the need to run and tell my husband. I AM NOT USING UNHEALTHY HABITS NOW AND ALSO HE IS INVOLVED IN MY LIFE STYLE CHANGES! This is why I dreaded people who know me to read this. Why don’t you ask me instead of running to him. It is really a dick move.
I used to be obsessed with collar bones just collar bones. I don’t know why collar bones were so attractive to me but I wanted them to show so badly. I would look up exercises on Pinterest that “targeted” that area. I also looked up exercises for thigh gap but I wasn’t as into it as I was collar bones. I would press them everyday and flex around until I could see them even if it was just a little. I would go to all these forums where people recommended diet pills, exercises and other ways to make that area more predominate. I would press my skin down repeatedly thinking that if I kept pressing hard enough they would show through. The more I write the more I realize how severe my issues were.
I had 5 different diet pills to take and I would always exceed the amount it recommended and on top of that I was sucking down 3 or 4 16 and/or 20 ounce Redbulls a day (I stopped taking my meds convinced they were making me fat.) I had a lot of caffeine in my system then I only ate 400 to 500 calories a day, chew and spit but I could never make myself throw up. I also walked 3.5 to 4 miles everyday and did targeted exercises. I started in June 2015 and it peaked around October then my husband became involved and it kind of leveled out by November. My therapist at the time said that I could be classified as symptoms of an eating disorder. I lost over 40 pounds in that amount of time but it wasn’t enough for me.
After this I started Binging all the time. I could 3 big bags of M&Ms and 4 small pizzas. I could finish a large Pizza Hut pizza in a day. I am training myself to have better habits and trying to be careful not to cross over on either of those lines. The right way takes longer but is more rewarding for my efforts. I have a destructive side that wants to come out so badly but between medicine and help from my husband we are keeping them contained.
Trigger warning: This post contains dieting, unhealthy habits and references to eating disorders.
I almost started a bad habit I had a few years ago chew and spit. If you don’t know what chew and spit is that’s when you put food in your mouth usually that is on a binge and instead of swallowing it you spit. The purpose is to get the taste without the calories. I know there is debate about how much it actually works but I thought about it the other day and stopped myself before I actually did it. I am doing really well with keeping healthy habits while trying to lose weight instead of what I did in 2015.
In 2015 I would chew and spit, only eat 400 to 500 calories a day and make sure I worked it all out. I would take way too many diet pills with energy drinks. I was dropping weight like crazy but forming every bad habit possible. People will say because of my weight it would never be categorized as an ED.
Now I’m making sure I eat right and consume enough calories, drink water, no diet pills, no caffeine, no chew and spit. I don’t binge anymore and now I’m losing weight not as fast as I want but at least this time I’m doing it the right way.
No goals for May. April and May were rough for me so no goals listed for May we will start over again in June and hopefully I will feel better then.
April sucked. I tried but life happened in between.
150 subscribers- YAY I did it!!
1100 views- nope
700 visitors- nope
2 Bipolar Chronicles- nope
3 post a week- nope
10 views a day= nope
125 likes- nope
Keep up with daily journal and finish it before the month ends- nope
700 followers- nope
700 posts- nope
50 visits per week- nope
Blog post- nope
I worked today. It was work. On another note I didn’t want to ruin this weekend the way I ruined last weekend. I knew this and even though my day sucked I made the decision to try to make the day better. I got home hugged and kissed everyone and put on a happy face. We put on another face mask and watched a family movie and it was just a nice evening. The mask hurt to peel off hurt. I have a beautiful picture of a rainbow that I can’t wait to post. I want to put it on Instagram after I watermark it.
My moods are unstable and I am rapid cycling. I would rather lean towards manic because at least I have energy which sounds horrible I know. This seems to be an everlasting fucking mood issue. I am waiting for the up even though I know how unpredictable and crazy it can be.
I didn’t go to work today. I feel horrible and just want to sleep the day away. I was going to try and use a bit of energy to update a few things but it isn’t happening. I am still waiting for my phone case so I can use the new camera on my phone. I have this awesome new camera on my phone and I want to use it so badly. I want to feel like my old self again and I am hoping that after today I will start to feel like myself again. I got lost again and I am trying to find my way back then I don’t know why I keeps happening. What the fuck is going on with me. I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist but I don’t want to go up there and see him.
I found a really good documentary on A&E. I know almost everyone has seen Intervention but they have an entire series dedicated to this area in Atlanta known as the Heroin triangle. You know things are bad in other states but you never realize how bad it actually is in your own state. I know in Atlanta with the airport there is an open market for drugs but I never expected it to be like this. I want to state for the record that I cry whenever I watch Intervention. Whenever they agree to treatment I cry. It never fails. It makes me happy and then when they update that they stayed sober I cry more. I will spend the rest of my day watching Intervention.
I had a long day at work but when I got off work I went to CVS and got one of those black peel off masks for all of us to try. It wasn’t the same one you see on Facebook but this one had glitter which made it much better. When I went to CVS they had my Cadbury eggs on clearance and I got a lot of them. I don’t need to eat them I need to focus on losing weight but they help so much with my writing. I always need something to chew on while I am writing.
I tried to make the rest of my day better but it was hard. I am still watching documentaries and I need to work on my blog and Instagram instead but I’m not. I keep watching my documentaries because it is a nice world to kind of get lost in and it helps with the writing process. I look for any and every way to improve the writing process. I draw inspiration from everywhere I can. I can’t wait for my vacation time to renew so I can take some time off and really get focused
If you are wondering why there are some gaps there are things in my journal I unfortunately I can’t post.
IT IS FINALLY MAY!! I hope that means nicer weather and a low electric bill for a little while. I am excited to get my new phone and new phone case so I can use my phone properly. I am currently using a questionable old phone case on my phone until I can get the new one. I got an IPhone (of course Apple for life.) IPhone XS Max which is amazing. I really needed a new phone.
Today I went to South Carolina with Wayne to pick up a truck but it wasn’t ready so we explored the area and I fell asleep a few times. We found a mall which was really nice kind of sketchy on the outside but they had a lot of good stores in it. We started at Books-A-Million where Wayne bought a bible (FINALLY!!!) and a book of Ronald R. Journals. We walked around for a bit and I found Sephora (it was only a matter of time.) and I bought my daughter face wash because she is obsessed with making sure her skin is clear. I am happy that she cares about her appearance and making sure her face is washed.
I use my free Chick-Fil-A coupon and ate my yummy Chick-Fil-A sandwich and on the way home we stopped to look at the Guide Stones which were awesome. It reminds there are things bigger than yourself and it made everything better.
I feel much better about the tax situation. I stayed on hold for a long time and kept repeating myself over and over again finally getting a bit of a straight answer. It took over 2 hours and 6+ different people but it I feel better. This shit is monopolizes my time and takes time away from what I really want to do.
I am trying to get everything situated because tomorrow Wayne and I are going to pick up a truck. I am sad to miss on extra writing time but I love the time with him. I am glad to get this situated before we went. I am sad about the time I missed out on with him. I will take any chance I get to spend time with him. I have 4 or 5 years of time I wasted that I didn’t enjoy him or my daughter and I have regrets on that. I have time gaps which suck. There are parts of my daughters life I don’t remember and when she asks I have a lot of I don’t remembers. I never wanted to be that parent but I am.
I am getting ready to publish Bipolar Chronicles: Addiction and I am super excited about it. Something good does come out of this right?
Today just sucked. I had to spend way too much time on the phone with the state dept. of revenue trying to clear all of this shit up. I had to call my attorney we had to pull the records from my bankruptcy to see what was covered. I have a severe tension headache and I don’t want to deal with this shit right now but I cant ignore it because if I do it will only get worse. It seems like my past just keeps creeping right back in. It’s like, “Hey I haven’t fucked you over enough as it is lets do it some more.” I wish I had a lot of money to solve all of these fucking problems.
Other reasons my day sucked: People are trying again to use my blog against me even though I am not talking about anyone particular except my husband and daughter or occasionally my two best friends. I don’t know why they think they are so damn important that anything would be about them. Except this: Please suck my veiny hairy dick k thanks. I would do the finger emoji if I could find it. This is the only dedication you get to anything fucking idiots.
My daughter and I hit up DG again and I got something for this horrendous headache from stress and anxiety and comfort food because lets be honest we all need some comfort food when shit like this happens.
We sat on Waynes grandparents back porch talking and laughing. This makes everything better. These moments with families are priceless and worth more than any of this stress I have.