Optimistic titles right?!? Who knew that I was capable of finding positive things through the shit I am dealing with but here I am rocking it out but I have a secret. I finally printed out the first chapter of my book (The first book will be about 9 or 10 chapters but the way it is set up is different.) We’ve (mostly him) have completed 16 out of around 25 pages. I know I posted a little bit of the book but I don’t want to give away too many secrets unless it will help spark your interest. I have my handy dandy red pin and highlighters ready to slash through pages and email updates as I find them. I am so optimistic about it I already printed out the second chapter to work on. This is why it takes so long for me to finish my book when I get depressed or anything I can become a recluse and live in the book for weeks or months and it helps so when its published there is no going back to make changes as my problems change. I guess I can just keep going even if not all of it is ever published. So will throw myself in my work and hopefully come out soon with a book ready to publish. I will keep you updated through the process.

I have an obsession with rain some might call it an unhealthy obsession and we are supposed to get bad storms and rain which I for one am pretty excited about because rain helps the creativity. I did not get much accomplished because we had family time and then found a family movie on Amazon and I got distracted and never finished my blog post. I am keeping up in my journal my day to day happenings and my fight with depression. I did decide to email the guy helping me edit and we are back in business now I just need to focus. I have problems focusing lately but the thought of being published and a different world opening up makes everything worth it and family time is inspiration for my writing and more important than anything else.

Yes I realize that we all know how amazing my husband is I talk about it all the time. I also talk about what an amazing father he is as well so it will be gushy about him for a moment.

I wanted to be home today. Wayne started painting my daughters room and as I figured they butted heads because they are just alike. She didn’t like the way he was painting it and then she made a mess and spilled paint all over the floor left went outside calmed down and then went back in and kept her daddy company while he painted and she watched. The bond between those two is incredible and my dad died when I was 8 so I never really had the chance to bond with him the way she bonded with Wayne. It makes me happy to watch them together. He is such an amazing parent and I wish I could’ve been home with them today while they painted but I got a full description of it from my daughter and Wayne when I got home. Her room looks amazing and is colorful and creative just like her.

Someone very close to me told me they were I don’t want to say leaving because they will still be around just not in my everyday life anymore and it made me think about everything I am working towards with this blog and social media but more importantly my book. I’ve waited 7 years with this book to even attempt to edit it for it to be published because I was scared. I will be 35 this year and I’ve accomplished none of my goals as a writer and it took me so long to even start this blog. I am not getting any younger, better looking absolutely but younger no. I don’t want to wake up 5 years from now and regret not trying. I was told that I was too talented to not do this but I have to get over my fears and finish it. The first book of the 3 or 4ish is finished it just needs editing (a lot of editing) and I need to stop fantasizing what will be like when it is published and just work on it already. My book is a natural cure for my depression so get on it already.

I swear my husband and daughter are the only ways I make it through some days. Today was difficult and I had a hard day at work and all I wanted to do is come home to see them. I am emotionally drained and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I want to let go so badly but I know as soon as I do everything I worked so hard for will go down the drain and I’ve worked so hard to get here it is bad now but it will get better. I keep telling myself that in hopes that I may actually believe it. I need to message the guy helping me with my book. My book makes me happy and is a place where I can recluse to until I get over this.

Depression sucks

Head colds suck

Having both is paralyzing

No workout

No diet

Thought about keto diet

Check for backdated post

I am not too far behind

Meeting my goals for February isn’t happening

Welcome to my hell

I am glad you are still here

Thank you for your support

I love you all dearly

I slept all day and I needed to work on my blog and social media accounts. There is no way I am able to work on everything I need and finish my book if all I do is talk about it. I am lacking energy but I’m always lacking energy so what else is new. I am going to finally crack open my old lap time and get files from my external hard drive for the book. I need to do this first to figure out where I am and where I need to go.

My depression is spiraling out of control and being sick is just making it worse. I have no way to fight it I am not strong enough. Any extra energy I have is being taken up with this horrible cold I have. I don’t want this feeling anymore it sucks and it is an endless nightmare that I am ready to wake up from.

This quote was actually in my journal today and it fits with everything going on. We are in the process of remodeling our house more specifically my daughters room, living room and kitchen. There is also more demolish happening around me and I’m unsure of where to go next. What will happen with this blog, my social media more specifically my book. What do I want to come of this? What makes me happy? Well right now I’m numb but I need to find the key to what makes me happy and go for it. The more I do this the more I realize that I am better writing fiction than my everyday life. Where do I go from here? This is my dream and finally making it happen is incredible and it kills me that I waited so long but now it is time to buckle down and get everything finished. This project needs a date.