Tag: depression

🖤Day 24🖤 Difficult Time- The horrible awful terrible thing that happened…a vague discussion

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I dreaded this day. I didn’t have to talk about this yet, but parts of me want to …

So my difficult time has nothing to do with my illness and for a lot of reasons this will be vague so what I am implying is what happened.

I was 19 years old living in Athens for the first time with my soon to be husband when it happened. The terrible horrible awful thing the reason I can relate to the #metoo movement. Just thinking about it now makes me shake my husband didn’t find out about it until 2015 and it happened in 2003/2004. The details of what happened are forever burned in my memory and to this day I can tell you up to the second what happened and every bit of information after and I can tell you this every time it happened because it happened more than once or twice it happened multiple times and I never told anybody. We can attribute this to a lot of the addiction issues I dealt with because everything started around this time. I went and saw a counselor in the middle of this and she told me she had to report it and I lied so she wouldn’t. I numbed myself with it for about 5 1/2 6 months before it stopped and to this day I am paranoid going into public bathrooms and people walking behind me. I will stop if I can and let people pass me.

It is amazing how much they can fuck with your head. You see it on the news and think if it were you until it is you and then it doesn’t click. You do everything out of fear and you believe they have all this control over you because in actuality they do until something changes or maybe it was just me. He used my issues to control me and they Would think I am lying if I told anyone.

When I finally got the courage to make it stop I had a box cutter up to his neck and told him if he every put his fucking hand on me again I will would slit his throat from ear to ear. I don’t know if I would’ve actually done it or just completely choked and fell apart, I would assume the second one but I doubt it.

This is the extremely vague description and I realize it leaves you a little confused but please know that when the time comes I am able to be more open about it I will. I know this guy is a complete and total asshole and I would give anything to ruin his fucking life but because of special circumstances I can’t right now. I believe in karma and that son of a bitch will pay one day for what he did.

Why deciding not to have more children is not a selfish thing and you shouldn’t shame people who make this decision.

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I have an 11 year old daughter. She has deep red auburn hair with my smile her daddy’s nose and the best of both of us. She is our heart and I can’t imagine life without her, but she is an only child for a reason.

It is rude to ask people who have one child when they are having more because it may not be in the cards for other people.  You should never ask someone this question or any question relative to people having children it is tacky.

Anyway my husband and I have been together since we were 16 and he had a shitty home life and had to take care of his younger brothers so he didn’t even know if he wanted children.  We decided after we got married and spent some time with our friend’s children that we weren’t necessary going to try, but if it happened then it did. All of friends said it took them around 6 months to get pregnant and since I knew nothing about getting pregnant or being pregnant I said we have time, but a month and half later we found I was pregnant. The way we found out was kind of awesome it was on my husband’s birthday. We were so excited and when we found out it was a girl my husband had tears in his eyes. I had a fairly easy pregnancy but at 8 weeks they told me I was more than likely going to have a miscarriage because my uterus wasn’t growing and back pain. I was about 2 weeks passed due when I had her naturally (I refused drugs which is a personal choice everyone is different) I couldn’t breastfeed and we went through a list of formulas for her.

She wasn’t an easy baby. She had colic and never slept while I was dealing with Post-Partum issues even when I denied it. There are parts of her life as a baby and toddler I can remember clearly, but when she was young I was diagnosed and our thought s about another child were gone.

It is amazing even when people knew about my illness they said it was selfish for me to use my illness as an excuse for not having another child. It isn’t selfish don’t ever tell anyone that it is a selfish decision it is for the safety of myself and the child. I talked to my doctor and all the meds I’m on aren’t safe to take while you are pregnant so I would have to wean myself off of those onto something not as strong to take while I was pregnant and then there were increase chances of miscarriages followed by the let’s hope the meds work. If I ever became manic or depressed and no one was around I could’ve easily killed myself or the baby. I also didn’t want to expose this child to the predisposition of having any of these illnesses because there are genetic factors with each one of them, but even with that would I ever change my mind about my daughter? I would love to say no, but I honestly don’t know. I see it in her the things she does like when I was younger and I worry she has it too. She’s seen child psychologist before about her anxiety, but I see her mood, here re/ actions to things and it was just like me and I pray that she isn’t cursed with it too. As a parent all you want to do is protect your child from everything but to know that I could’ve gave her something so serious hurts. I don’t want her to be like me, to go down the same roads I went down (I am hoping that if she is that my knowledge of everything will help.) She always says she wants to be like me but I don’t want her to be like me. I love her more than anything else in this world, but I never want to see her suffer through this shit.

The decision not to have more children was mostly mine and my husband supports and respects my decision, but don’t ever tell someone their reason for not having children is selfish because you don’t know the whole story. So I decided to not have any more children because of my mental health.

🖤 Weekly Update 5 🖤

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🖤 I really need to do these on Sundays like I keep saying I would.

🖤 I can’t believe we are already at 5!!!!

🖤 My subscriber list has increased greatly on my blog

🖤 My followers on Instagram grew over night

🖤 My Facebook page is slowly gaining some momentum. It is mostly my post from Instagram

🖤 Still no sodas. I am holding strong on that but caffeine and I struggling. I’ve latched onto coffee which isn’t as horrible as RedBulls but still not good.

🖤 I haven’t worked out since the first update. I don’t walk like I should and I stopped my squats when I go to the bathroom. I also stopped planking and drinking water like I should. I don’t eat much still all of these sleep issues mixed with anxiety keeps me from being super hungry.

🖤 I have decided to dive deep into my book again even though that is almost like jumping down a rabbit hole, but the more I talk about it I want to produce something so it isn’t just me hyping something up.

🖤 My days off I swear I am going to update my blog but I decide to be lazy instead and don’t get as much accomplished. I could write shitty small post but to write something I am proud of and want to be out there takes time. My grammar may not be great but the content is worth it. I have read more about different types of punctuation to get better at exactly where to put them.

🖤 The way that this is growing is amazing. I still get just as excited from one subscriber and for each one that adds on. I screen shot everyone and send it to my husband so keep subscribing so I can blow his phone up!!!

🖤 Post about the new meds I am on to help with the dreams (it is kind of working.) coming soon

This is it for week 5 can’t wait to see what the next week will bring. 🖤

🖤 Day 21 🖤 Something I miss (without making me cringe later)

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I am going to try and keep this from something I will read later and cringe because I took myself too seriously. These are in no particular order:

🖤 Living in Athens- After my husband and I graduated high school we moved to Athens. Athens, Georgia is a big city compared to where we came from so moving there was awesome. I wish things didn’t happen the way they did, but we had some good times. Our first New Years Eve in Athens I “bought” some of this horrible cheap champagne at Kroger when I got off work. They marked it down and forgot to make sure when it rang up that it would prompt for your age. I have other memories from New Years Eve at Kroger but we won’t get into those. We tried to drink it but it was horrible. I miss being that close to everything and not having all the responsibilities we have now. We lived in an apartment complex and paid $420 a month for a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. The complex had 2 pools and all kinds of amenities even though the laundry situation wasn’t the greatest we loved it. That freedom and the amount of money we wasted.

🖤 Band- I was definitely a band geek and damn proud. I played most woodwind instruments, piano (self taught) and drum line for awhile. I always wanted to go to Juilliard but life had different plans. I wish I took it seriously because I was always told that I had natural talent. I plan on buying a keyboard one day and teaching my daughter how to play. Music has always relaxed me and with her anxiety I think learning to play would be good for her. I told her if she can type with two hands she can play piano. (Sometimes when I am typing I pretend like I am playing the keyboard. I know I am weird.)

🖤 Dead family members- I didn’t know a better way to say this but you know we always take our grandparents/ parents for granted. I wish I paid better attention to the stories they told, took more pictures, had more home movies. I was an 80’s baby so the video cameras then were as big as a laptop now. We have old movies from when I was younger and a good bit of pictures. My mom moved a lot when she was younger so they lost stuff and she didn’t have as many pictures from her childhood so her mission was to make sure we had pictures from everything. I do that for my daughter and my husband. His uncle was the only person in his family to really take any pictures of them but whenever my daughter is around her grandad. I make sure to get those pictures he is in his 70’s and while I hope for her he lives to be 100 he is almost a 2 pack a day guy. Those are pictures she will cherish one day because she loves her grandad more than anyone else in the family I think. I would go back in time and record some of those stories by the fire.

🖤 Friends- We grow up and out grow our friends it isn’t a negative thing it just happens that way sometimes not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. I lost some friends because of my illness and I wish I could take it all back but I can’t and it makes me sad sometimes because I lost some very special people in my life and if they are reading this right now all I can say is it was my fault and I am sorry. I hope one day some of you come back in my life because you were extremely special to me to the others yeah… I don’t give a fuck and I’m glad you are gone.

🖤 My daughter- I don’t remember a lot about my daughter when she was a baby or a toddler. My illness and prescription problems kind of started around then. I can’t remember when she started walking or talking. I can’t remember much of it and I try to avoid when she asks me certain questions because I can’t remember and I am one of those parents who didn’t finish the baby book. My memory is getting worse so if something does pop up in my mind I make sure to write it down. I want her to have things to show her children one day if she has any or for her to keep.

This is as sappy as I want to get for now.

Anxiety Coloring

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Props to the people who can actually keep their hands steady enough to color. I call bullshit on most of those anxiety coloring books. My anxiety looks like broken melted crayons soaked in sweat anger and tears. I don’t have a first thought of my anxiety bad so I’m just going to color.I just don’t think it is relaxing or feasible in a situation where your anxiety is peaking. I start to spazz out rather quickly so maybe it is just me with that problem. I tried one time to work on a coloring book and all I wanted to do was rip the pages out. This is kind of like those fidget spinners even though they were made with the best of intentions people have kind of gone overboard with them. They are for people who want to say “anxiety” or “ADD/ADHD” but they just wanted to be part of a fad.

#mentalhealth #bipolar #bipolaroutcasts #depressed #depression #manic #mentalhealthawareness #schizophrenia #moodswings #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthblogging #anxiety #semicolon #semicolonproject #smallvictories #hypomanic #rapidcycle #gettingoutbed #gettingoutbedvictory #myillnesswontwin #losethebattlewinthewar #fuckbipolar #blogger #blogging #suicide #suicideawareness #psychosis #foreverafighter #breathe

Suck my dick

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Dear bitchy mom,
You messaged me and then blocked me before I could reply. I’m not responsible for what your child looks at or does on social media that is actually your job. I, however will not “tone it down” because there are children on Instagram. My child is on Instagram too her account is attached to mine so I can see EVERYTHING she does. You are one of those people who want to blame everyone in society for the bad things people do instead of saying you fucked up. It’s okay in reality we are all shitty parents and we will screw up one way or another, but do not blame other people. I’ve fucked my child up with some of the stuff I’ve done but I will tell you it’s my fault. You need to get off your fucking high horse and pay attention to your child instead of messaging people like me and asking me to “tone it down.” On that same note I don’t know if you think mental illness is a Disney movie with cupcakes rainbow and a happy ending because news flash it isn’t. It is like a bad 80’s horror movie with teenagers screwing in the woods and getting murdered by some weirdo (sorry to spoil the ending). Society feels the need to censor us because we make the world uncomfortable well we are uncomfortable dammit and if we have to here about your last dr visit to get the flu shot Barbara then you can suck it up and listen to us. So to answer your question, No I will not “tone it down” or “censor myself” stop bitching about everyone else and take care of your own….. oh and btw SUCK MY DICK! Thanks! Have a blessed day. 🖤 #mentalhealth #bipolar #bipolaroutcasts #depressed #depression #manic #mentalhealthawareness #schizophrenia #moodswings #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthblogging #anxiety #semicolon #semicolonproject #smallvictories #hypomanic #rapidcycle #gettingoutbed #gettingoutbedvictory #myillnesswontwin #losethebattlewinthewar #fuckbipolar #blogger #blogging #suicide #suicideawareness #psychosis

A crushed lemonade can to explain my day and an apology to my daughter for a disease I can’t always control.

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Yesterday I didn’t post because my moods are to the extremes that cause damage. I was at home all day today waiting on my direct deposit to come in and I kept checking and it didn’t come through. I called and after an extended hold time I was told there was a problem in their system so the paychecks are backdated. This just escalated my mood. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I paced around the house screaming there is a period I can’t remember but I started crushing cans with my hands to keep from trashing the rest of the house. I yelled at my daughter which is what I feel worst about. It wasn’t her fault that I didn’t have the money to buy cat food, dog food, or kitty litter. She was just asking if I bought any so she could clean it out. (This is part of chore list.) and I started screaming at her. I don’t know what I said to her but the damage was done so there is no point trying to remember. What I said was out of anger and moods I can’t control. She cried and all I could say was to suck it up and quit being a baby. I wasn’t a comforting or a good mother. She apologizes to me for making me upset and she was just trying to help. It didn’t matter I was so angry nothing would calm me down….except my husband and even that isn’t a guarantee. I called him and after much argument with him and me screaming he begins the process of stopping the progress of an escalation that would end up in me blacking out and running out of the house.

When he gets home we do our usual. I scream at him that I’m okay until he gets me to shut up turns the fan on in the bedroom and turns off the light and says, “You need to calm the fuck down now.” Which means it’s really bad and the black out moments have already started. I scream more before reluctantly agreeing. (He threatened to make me go stay with my mother again and (doing that once was more than enough for me.) I’m not myself, but I’m not giving you pills. (That is the next step me begging for medication.) We go through the are you high steps.

After awhile I calm down some and it is time for the apologies. (This is usually for what I can remember.) My sweet daughter had been crying the entire time, but when I apologize she hugs me crying and says, “Mama I love you and it’s okay I’m used to it.” Those words hurt…they hurt more than I could ever explain. She should never be used to it. I thought I got better and wasn’t like that as much, but I apparently not paying attention to how much damage I’ve caused or still causing. She also asked, “When I get older am I going to get mad like you do?” My heart hurts. I guess need to start saving up for therapy now because in her 11 years of life I’ve completely fucked up as a parent.

So I crushed lemonade cans to deal with my anger that I thought I was controlling but it escalated again and I’m sitting on the other side realizing the everlasting damage I’ve done.

Sometimes I think it’s easier to not be here and give her a chance to not be completely fucked by everything I’ve done to her.

Take your pills and close your legs. My book is in progress

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My book: It is my wonderful escape from reality. It is a 6 year project that I am hoping to finish by next year. I know I gave you a brief view of the beginning but I wanted to tell you a little more about the main character. She is a different version of me. I can solve most of my problems through her.

Lauren, is in her late 20’s, she has big blue eyes, but not just blue they are cornflower on the outer rims and as you look closer you can see it fade it into an aquamarine and at is center is and starburst of greenish blue, they are soft and welcoming she is wide eyed with charcoal eyelashes that are long and naturally curled, her hair a deep auburn with strains of brown in between, her face heart shaped, but even through her beautiful features you could see the troubles of her life across her face. The creases in her forehead, the crow’s feet burrowing around her eyes. It seems as if the lines showed her battles of her life. Her olive skin flows beautifully with her hour glass figure…but the most amazing thing about her is her smile perhaps ‘smile’ isn’t the word for it — her pouty lips revealed a small overbite of teeth, the wrinkles and creases in her face almost disappearing as it widens. Her smile was that determination and fight in her to overcome her obstacles it was the hope she clung to when everything fell apart.

Her best friend who plays a large role

Natalie, is in her late 20’s, she has long straight jet black hair, her olive skin highlights are beautiful brown eyes. They are mocha around the ages and fade into a beautiful caramel in the center. She has long beautiful thick lashes her face is oval shaped and she is tiny and petite. The hardships of her life don’t show as much as Lauren. She spends all of her time worried about Lauren. She helps her fight the battle that hopefully she will someday win.

Here is an excerpt from the beginning:

My eyes opened, closed, opened again; the words echoed in my mind, the tattered remnants of dream flitting about my thoughts, searching for something to cling to, some corner of my heart to dig its tendrils into. I stretched, my arms and legs moving in opposite directions, but the now-familiar emptiness crushed any chance of a smile.

“Not today.” I shook my head, then swung my legs out from under the blankets. I sat there a moment, hunched over, not looking up, gathering my strength. “It’s just another Monday. I can do this.” Extending my arm, I picked up my phone from the nightstand. “Fuck. It’s only 6:00 am.”

My frustration escaped through my nose in a sigh.

“I might as well get up, not like I was going back to sleep anyway,” I muttered, planting my feet on the ground, scrolling through my phone, and turning on some music. I hit shuffle and threw it back down on the bed, heading to the bathroom.. Just as I stepped in the shower, “On Bended Knee” came on my playlist in the other room.

Goddamn it.

As the first few drops of water hit my skin, accompanied by those well-worn notes, I drifted back to Jordan: our five-month torrid love affair, the end of my sobriety, my still broken heart. I tried to fight the tears as the second verse began.

He sang this song to me with a dozen Gerber daisies and promised he would never do it again, and I believed him. Then I caught him and his ex-together. It all came back so easily, clear as if it had happened yesterday. The warm droplets formed steam as I stood there without moving, all the memories flooding my head. My skin burned from the mellow droplets morphing into sharp blades, piercing my heart. All at once, the pain became unbearably real and I quickly turned the shower off.

I stepped out, grabbing my robe and turning to face the mirror. “Lauren, you can do this. It hurts like hell right now, but you can do this.” My will held for several seconds, but the memories proved to be too much, and I crumbled, digging behind a drawer in the bathroom and dispensing a small baggy of pills.

I pulled out three into my hand, “just to calm my nerves” I told myself, tossing them in my mouth. The bitter taste coated my tongue as I swallowed, making me shake my head and run it between my lips.

I wrapped my hair in a towel, composed myself in the mirror, took a deep breath, and headed to the kitchen. Flicking the lights on, I shuffled my feet toward the fridge, sticking my tongue out at the cups and plates left piled in the sink.

Nat must have had a good time last night. Then I let myself smile. Good for her.

I reached for the refrigerator door and pause for a moment when I saw the NA schedule posted. Natalie had circled the next meeting, where I was supposed to get my one year chip. Shame flushed my cheeks and made me look away from the calendar.

It would break her heart if she knew I had started using again.

My mind turned away from that shame, turning it into anger. It’s not as bad as last time, and it’s no one’s fucking business. I can take care of myself. I snatched a RedBull out of the refrigerator door and situated myself on the uncomfortable wooden chair at our dining room table; as I brought the can to my lips, I heard a door open from down the hall, then watched as a  tall, naked, athletic man came strolling in the kitchen. He leaned down and began rummaging through the refrigerator.

How many pills did I take? 

“Excuse me.” I took another sip, trying to hide my grin. “Who are you? Why are you in my kitchen, and where are your clothes?”

“Umm…I….” He stuttered, trying his best to cover himself while holding on to the two waters in his hands, moving them one after the other, searching for the position that would keep all of his unmentionables hidden.

He didn’t find it.

Shaking my head, I decided to dig in a little further. “Do you know how to talk?”

He managed to meet my eyes, though I could see the red blush in his cheeks. “I’m Benjamin, but my friends call me Ben. I’m here…visiting…Natalie.”

“I thought as much.” Another sip, and I raised my eyebrows. “Do you often visit people naked?”

“No…”

A sleepy voice came around the corner. “Did you find…” Natalie followed after her words, her eyes widening; an oversized Nirvana t-shirt covered her petite frame. Her long black hair draped down her back, the part around her face forming a sleep-halo.

“Morning, Nat.” I began to laugh as I took the last sip to finish off my RedBull.

“Morning. Lauren, have you met…” She paused for a minute, her eyes wide, dancing between me and her lover.

I decided to have mercy.

“Yes, I met Ben. Not bad, Nat; I’d give him…” My gaze moved to the still-naked man frozen in our kitchen. “A seven-and-a-half, maybe an eight if I’m feeling generous.” My smile dropped away as I leaned forward. “I hope you’re good enough for her, Ben. I have high…” And I glanced at Natalie again. “…some might say unrealistic, expectations for the men that she dates. Don’t disappoint me.”

Ben’s mouth did an impressive imitation of a goldfish, as he fumbled for something to say. Natalie, however, rolled her eyes and put a hand on her hip.

“Okay, badass. Stop harassing him.” She strode over to Ben, draping herself over him and planting a soft kiss on his lips. “She’s just kidding. Probably.” Throwing a glance over her shoulder at me and grinning, she continued. “Lauren just tends to be a tad over-protective.”

“It’s a mutual feeling between us, I think.” I returned her grin. “All right, you two. I’m going to get ready for work. It was nice to meet you.” I nodded my head before slowly making my way out. As I crossed the doorway, I turned again and saw them in the midst of a passionate kiss, and a twinge of agony overtook me.

I missed it.

I missed the way Jordan held me, the way he said my name, the way he kissed me. The loneliness came crushing in again, pressing down so hard I could barely breathe Turning back around, I headed to my bedroom, my heart shattering a little with each step. I laid on my bed, unable to catch my breath, a stabbing sensation surging through my chest as the rest of my body started to shake uncontrollably.

I forced my eyes close when I heard, “Shit, Lauren are you okay?”

It was Natalie. I couldn’t answer her; it felt as if my tongue had been ripped out.

“Shh…just breathe, slow deep breaths…” She laid my head in her lap, stroking my forehead.

“Is she okay? Do I need to call someone?” Ben asked in the doorway.

“No, she’ll be fine. Just hand me that bag on the nightstand and head back to my room. I’ll be there in a few.” Ben tossed the bag to Natalie, who dispensed two small blue pills and placed them in my mouth. The taste made me gag, and I tried to spit them out, but she shoved her hand over my lips to keep them in. “We aren’t doing this, Lauren. You need to take your medicine, so don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

I moved my tongue quickly against her hand, but other than making her crack a smile, it had no effect. “Lick my hand all you want, I’m not moving it until you swallow your pills.” My jaw began to ache and my tongue tire, so I finally gave in. The pills felt like daggers scraping down my throat…but that faded quickly as a sudden jolt of euphoria washed over me.

“My other pills are kicking in,” I mumbled.

I heard a sharp hiss of breath. “Other pills…What pills…What did you take?” Natalie moved her face closer to mine.

“I meant these pills; these pills will kick in soon.” I lied, but I could tell she wasn’t falling for it. Shame filled my face, and I couldn’t bear to look her in the eyes. “Fine. I took extra anxiety pills this morning. I woke up in a panic, and…”

I glanced up at her; she still wasn’t buying it, but she gave me a smile. “That’s all you took, you promise?”

“I promise.” The lie sat heavy in my heart. “That’s all.” I tried to sit up, but dizziness flooded my brain.

Natalie put a hand on my knee, turning her head at an angle to me. “I saw the look in your eye after Ben kissed me. I know things have been rough since Bryan.”

“Bryan?” I’ve been so wrapped up in Jordan I didn’t even think about Bryan. “That asshole ran out on me…what?  Two years ago? Why would I think of him?”

I massaged my temples trying to stave off the imminent headache.

Natalie clicked her tongue. “What are you thinking? Your meeting is on Wednesday, you get your one-year chip. You’re winning, Lauren. Please don’t ruin it for yourself.” She took a deep breath, then turned her eyes back to me, trying on a smile. “Just…just talk to me, okay? Whatever is going on, we can fix it. Just don’t shut down on me.” Reaching out, Nat took hold of both my hands; I had to resist the urge to pull my fingers away from hers. “You’ve come too far to give up now. I’m proud of you, Lauren, because you’ve fought your way out of everything that’s happened.” Then she pulled me in, embracing me fully. “I know it’s been tough, but that last visit to rehab and taking your meds has made a difference.”

As she wrapped her arms around me, a cloud of guilt and shame floated around me. If only she knew the truth. “Thanks, Nat. Really. You need to go so I can get ready for work.” She looked genuinely hurt, but got up off the bed and took a step toward the door. Almost despite myself, I whispered, “Remember I love you, okay?”

She jerked back quickly. “Alright, now I’m not leaving.” She came back over and sat down again, her eyes wide with concern, her voice uncertain. “You need to tell me what is going on with you. You were extremely happy for a while, and I know you met someone. Even though you denied it, I could tell…and I’m assuming by this recent decline that it didn’t end well.” Nat’s fingers came up and brushed my cheek. “Is that right?”

“Just a nobody. It was stupid. Doesn’t matter now.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “So, Ben…” I ask trying to change the subject.

“Oh, no. Ben.” Natalie exhaled through her nose, glancing back toward the door. “I told him I would be right back.” Her eyes danced back and forth, assessing, considering. “Just lie down; you need to rest.” Her face firmed as she seemed to decide something. “I’ll call Gail and tell her that you will be coming in a little later. We can ride together, okay? And finish this conversation,” she added, scurrying out of the room.

“Do I have a choice?”

🖤Day 13🖤 Favorite quotes

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Today is favorite quotes. I think it said quote, but I don’t have just one so it will be quotes🖤

🖤 “After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” Aldous Huxley. -We all need silence to calm down or to focus, but when the silence is overwhelming music will soothe your soul. Over the years especially with my illness music ends up being my only refuge.

🖤 “But I don’t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.” – Aldous Huxley. This is actually on my blog page. I want a challenge in my life I don’t want to live comfortably. I want to step outside my boundaries and do something that will either cause me to fly or fall and I’m writing it right now. I am too creative and smart to lead a normal life. I was meant to do something extraordinary.

🖤“Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous” – Albert Einstein

🖤 “Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”~ T.E. Lawrence

🖤“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”-Maria Robinson

🖤 “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

🖤 “It’s the village girl who will change the world”. – Kelly Cutrone Don’t worry I’m finally on my way. I am coming out the gate running strong.

🖤“Reality is wrong. Dreams are for real.” – Tupac Shakur

🖤 “Everybody’s at war with different things…I’m at war with my own heart sometimes.” ― Tupac Shakur I feel this everyday. I am feel like I am always struggling with my heart and conscience everyday.

🖤 “You gotta be able to smile through the bullshit.” – Tupac Shakur

🖤 “Trust your own judgement, live with it and love it.” – Nas

Mood swing whirlwind: Fake it until you make it.

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Fake it until you make it with your moods right? If you talk to me you could never tell how miserable I actually am and I don’t know if that is a perk or not. I guess it just depends on what day it is. When people tell you. “Oh my gosh you are bipolar I can’t tell.” It is annoying because you can’t look at someone and tell if they are bipolar and we don’t wear a big sign that says, “Hey I’m bipolar judge me.” It’s easier to joke or talk to someone else about their problems then try to get into the complex version that is mine. I had an anxiety attack around 1:00 pm. I had to message someone that I was locked in a handicap bathroom stall but I’m okay so don’t call 911. I hate when they call 911 every time I have a panic/anxiety attack. I’m learning to do it without meds but it is frustrating and it makes me more anxious so basically everything just keeps getting worse. It took me a little more than an hour to calm down enough to leave the bathroom. I’m still coming down from it. When you take a pill it ends fairly quickly but not without meds. I took a Benadryl (it doesn’t help) but I braved a face for the rest of the afternoon and fell apart when I got in my car. When I told someone that was with me what happened they didn’t know what to say, no one ever knows what to say besides you’ve been in a good mood all day. I don’t know how to explain it to people. So I just fake it until I make it or completely fall apart. We’ll see which one comes first.