Tag: depression

🖤Day 5🖤 Mental Health Week- Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

Each day I will detail an illness. Some of them you’ve heard of some you haven’t but the most important thing is we recognize some of them. One illness is greater than the other just some for more information.

Bipolar Disorder Overview

Bipolar disorder, with its extreme mood swings from depression to mania, used to be called manic depressive disorder. Bipolar disorder is very serious and can cause risky behavior, even suicidal tendencies, and can be treated with therapy and medication.

Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is a mental illness that brings severe high and low moods and changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.

People who have bipolar disorder can have periods in which they feel overly happy and energized and other periods of feeling very sad, hopeless, and sluggish. In between those periods, they usually feel normal. You can think of the highs and the lows as two “poles” of mood, which is why it’s called “bipolar” disorder.

What Causes Bipolar Disorder?

There is no single cause. Genes, brain changes, and stress can all play a role.

Researchers are studying how these factors may contribute to the development of bipolar disorder.

How Is Bipolar Disorder Diagnosed?

If you or someone you know has symptoms of bipolar disorder, talk to your family doctor or a psychiatrist. They will ask questions about mental illnesses that you, or the person you’re concerned about, have had, and any mental illnesses that run in the family. The person will also get a complete psychiatric evaluation to tell if they have likely bipolar disorder or another mental health condition.”

Diagnosing bipolar disorder is all about the person’s symptoms and determining whether they may be the result of another cause (such as low thyroid, or mood symptoms caused by drug or alcohol abuse). How severe are they? How long have they lasted? How often do they happen?

The most telling symptoms are those that involve highs or lows in mood, along with changes in sleep, energy, thinking, and behavior.

Talking to close friends and family of the person can often help the doctor distinguish bipolar disorder from major depressive (unipolar) disorder or other psychiatric disorders that can involve changes in mood, thinking, and behavior.

Bipolar Disorder and Suicide

Some people who have bipolar disorder may become suicidal.

Learn the warning signs and seek immediate medical help for them:

• Depression (changes in eating, sleeping, activities)

• Isolating yourself

• Talking about suicide, hopelessness, or helplessness

• Acting recklessly

• Taking more risks

• Having more accidents

• Abusing alcohol or other drugs

• Focusing on morbid and negative themes

• Talking about death and dying

• Crying more, or becoming less emotionally expressive

• Giving away possessions

-Raw emotions with my moods.

Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

!!!!Trigger warning!!!

For the first time since everything happened my moods have changed. They are rapidly declining and all I can think of is how much I want Xanax. It drives me crazy when people tell you that they want to know things are getting bad then think you are whining. Fuck people either you want me to tell you or you don’t but if you say I am whining then I am going to stop telling you. I just think people in general suck 99.256532% of the time.

The problem with my illness is sometimes I don’t know if up is down or down is up and that is where I am at right now. I haven’t really ate much lately it is a hassle. I haven’t brushed my teeth so everything I drink hurts. (I have extremely sensitive teeth.) so I know I am dehydrated. I am tired and not sleeping doesn’t help anything. I keep having horrible dreams that cause anxiety attacks but I can’t have benzos and nothing else works (trust me when I tell you this) not even “breathing” therapy or any other bullshit a therapist works and again I want Xanax. I want that high so bad and I can’t have it and dealing with my shit when it starts to get real is hard and I know I should have a therapist but it isn’t my thing. (a different story) I am not suicidal as of now and I’m hoping I can get it together before we crawl down that rabbit hole again. I am praying that taking my meds like I am supposed to will stop that problem but somehow I doubt it. I don’t like being able to feel these things it is too overwhelming and I just want them to go away. I am off my schedule (my life requires structure and routine to avoid chaos.) which definitely isn’t helping anything. I can put all the pieces together of what is happening around me and I see things…..I just can’t fix it. I don’t know how or if I would make anything better or if it would just get worse. I know once I start going into details with friends and family the worrying starts. I am worried for me too, if I really want Xanax or pain killers I can put my hands on them with no problem but it is not doing it that is so hard. I’ve never actually dealt with everything in 5 years so I probably need a therapist to work through this. I started posting some of my photography on Instagram and it seems to be a hit. I’m trying whatever outlet I have that is healthy right now.

I tried to put on makeup on, it used to help pep me up but it didn’t work. I put on too much setting powder my foundation wouldn’t blend properly neither would my eyeshadow. I felt worse after putting it on. I looked like a puffy orange clown. My emotions are so raw they hurt and I can’t numb it and it is so raw that it is almost unbearable. We forget sometimes that through the memes, quotes that we desensitize our illness. We need to be more open about how much it hurts to be like this. I will update my progress through this as sober as possible.

🖤

🖤Day 9 🖤 Walking canvas (tattoos and piercings)

Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

I will start with piercings because they aren’t as interesting. I had a tow hitch (belly button ring) I had it pierced 3 different times. My favorite was a piercing and tattoo place in the mall who only charged me $10. It got infected (surprised) and then the other 2 were at legit places but they pierced it too deep. (I have scars) I determined after that the chubby me shouldn’t have her belly button pierced. I’ve had my ears pierced many times but I forget to put earrings in and the holes closed.

Now the good stuff my tattoos. I was scared for the longest time until 2015 during my manic I decided to get a tattoo. Once you get one tattoo you have to get more right?

This is actually my first and second tattoo. My breathe tattoo was actually my first. I got it on my 31st Birthday. Of course breathe is for my anxiety, my semi colon for suicide, my infinity symbol and cross with Ruth 1:16 for my renewal and love of my faith. I love the fact that is my handwriting.

The second is the suicide awareness ribbon with my anchor. This was after a suicide attempt.

The most popular via Instagram reviews. The original version I found wasn’t this cool, but I have an amazing tattoo artist that made it beautiful. This is the man. If you’ve read any of my other post you know about the man. He wanted to detail the spine to show more vulnerability in the woman who is a slave to the man who controls her life.

I think neck tattoos are awesome and I also wear my hair up all the time so you can see it. This is in support to every fucked up thing that happened to me. I am a fighter and will continue fight until it wins one way or another. This was around the time I opened up about the terrible awful horrible thing that happened to me. This again is my handwriting. My cross on the T and my ; as the i is again my survival from this fucking disease

Music is my refuge which I know is the case for many people. I can play almost any instrument, make mash ups, my music list has an amazing range but I can’t sing. I wish I could sing but the sound of me screeching isn’t attractive. My mental health abilities did not bless me with the ability to sing. Hallelujah is my favorite song. I have saved between YouTube, Musi, Spotify I have so many different versions saved. This is the song I listen to when I start to spiral out of control. This tattoo is a just a base to the final half sleeve tattoo I want is finished.

My bipolar disorder. This is Sasha (check a new post for Sasha.) When I went in I asked for the mask that is black and white with a happy/sad painted across it. He said he wanted to try something different I said okay and this is what he came up with and I love it. It was an impulsive decisions which ironically fits the tattoo. This is a more modern version of that work. I wear this with great pride.

This honestly was just to be a dick. It is a stereotypical tattoo for mental health in my opinion but the size and placement was just to prove a point. I don’t regret it while it isn’t my favorite tattoo.

My artwork is just starting and I can’t wait to express my life across my arms. It shows the fight I am trying to win.

🖤

🖤Perks of being Bipolar 🖤

Bipolar Happens1 Comment

As I am writing this I’m standing in an open field under gray skies small pellets of water coating my arms. The smell of fair food, musty cologne fill the air, country music blaring through blown out speakers; my daughter is currently 10 ft in the air being thrusted into circles on swings. I bet you are wondering what the hell being at a fair as to do with the perks of being bipolar and how am I tending to my daughter at the same time. Bipolar perks people. If you weren’t aware your mental illness comes with perks other people don’t possess. I don’t know the exact medical terms for these but you will get my point.

🖤 Hyper-focus- the ability to hyper focus when used correctly can produce amazing results. I’ve abused my hyper focus when I was manic or self destructive behavior but over the last year or so I’ve learned to make it useful. It is almost becoming a super power. Is it still destructive? Absolutely! I am trying to keep it as a positive trait though. Think of the population who spends millions of dollars on herbal remedies and over the counter medicine to try and give them the ability you naturally have. We of course take medicine to control it but how amazing for us.

🖤 Disturbed cognitive functioning- Neil Hilborn (yes I named dropped because his slam poem The Future is incredible.) he touches on this saying They keep telling me seeing things that aren’t technically there is called “disturbed cognitive functioning.” I call it “having a superpower.” Once, I pulled over on the 110 freeway and jumped out of my old Jeep because I saw it burst into flames twenty seconds before it actually burst into flames.

🖤 (Idk the technical term for this) self awareness- A perk of having issues with paranoia is you are always self aware. I can walk into a room or a crowd and in less than a minute I’ve evaluated the entire situation. I can tell you who is standing around me without even looking up. My daughter is in line for a ride and I’ve already analyzed the line she’s in determined where an issue may be; the creepy ass guy to the right of me checking out teenage girls that I keep check on. People in the CIA and FBI are trained to have this ability and we naturally have it. Does my paranoia cause me problems? Of course, but when it comes to my daughter my heightened sense of awareness and paranoia comes in handy. The lights and music everywhere can overwhelm my senses but that’s when hyper focus comes to the rescue.

🖤 Creativity- This is a given. A fucked up wiring makes us see the beauty in things that other people aren’t able to enjoy

🖤 Energy- Always a positive and a negative but mostly negatives because high energy usually leads to mania.

🖤 Strength- we majority of the time can handle our shit and it takes courage to keep going. It’s a blessing and a curse to have this gift.

Open Mic Night 2018

Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

This year I wanted to do something different to raise money for the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk. This year is my third year and I am so excited! I normally go on Facebook and give people long winded stories on why suicide prevention is so important and the hotline number. The plus side to all of this are the people who come up to me and feel comfortable enough to tell me their story. I want that communication with everyone, the event started out as an original content only but quickly changed to bring more people in. I tried selling tickets online (which if you do this please check the websites credibility first. You live and you learn. I managed to raise $500 in one night. $500 I had cozies (I still have some if anyone is interested) and charged $7.50 a ticket with free food. I was hoping for $200 and when we got the final total I cried. I cried for so many reasons but mostly I cried because in a little over 2 hours we educated over 50 people about suicide and mental health. If you are able to reach one person you are successful.

I got up and told my story. I don’t do well in front of people and not fond of eye contact so I stared at the mic and probably talked a little too fast but when I said “I tried to die by suicide a year ago on 9/27/18. It was like all the was sucked out of the room. I could feel the eyes staring through me and I knew this was it, the time I wanted so bad and even though I seem very comfortable discussing my illness on social media saying it out loud was a completely different story. I never told the true story on my Facebook page but when I finished and walked away from the mic still shaking I was met with hugs, I love you’s, I didn’t know how bad it was, and please call me if you ever need anything. It was more support I expected but I welcomed it all. I never thought my words could have so much power. Which is why I started this blog and these social media sites, I wanted to spread my word and make a difference. I would quote Gandhi but his views about rape make me question his morales. I have attached some pics of the open night mic cozies and my centerpieces that turned out beautiful.

🖤

Physical symptoms of my illness.

Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

We all have them and they differ even with similar diagnosis.

In the last 3 years I’ve had 6 teeth pulled and I have a partial denture for 5 of them. They are my front teeth. My teeth decayed from years of not brushing them or going to the dentist. I physically could not do it. If you are reading this and not understand how that is possible deal with untreated depression. The things you are not capable of doing is a mile long. I could go for weeks sometimes months without showering, I still don’t think it is disgusting I just say it is depression. I never washed my clothes unless my husband did laundry and even then I would wear the same clothes for days sometimes weeks at a time no deodorant or freshening up. I just didn’t care. I would cut clumps of my hair out because it was so matted you couldn’t brush it. My weight verified depending on how things were. I would either gain a lot of weight from overeating or lose 20 pounds or more from not eating. I never slept in the same bed as my husband it was always on the couch for some bullshit excuse but the reason was simple. I hated me and I treated my body like it was a garbage because I was garbage. I didn’t love myself and I stayed like this for a long time. I had a job at the bank and they tried in so many different ways to tell me that I smelled and bought me little gifts of lotions, sprays, and body wash. My boss was a Miranda Priestly (which is a completely different topic.) I would forget to iron my clothes, my hair was always greasy. My husband and I would get into screaming matches over my personal hygiene. These are moments I am not proud of. I have scars all over me from picking (which I still do) the inside of my lips and my cheeks are covered in scars and tender spots from biting them so much. I think we don’t talk enough about our physical symptoms with our illness. I have and known people to have crippling migraines, cationic (It’s been years since the last time it happened to me.) alopecia, pneumonia the list goes on and on. The symptoms of our mental illness start to go down it turns physical. Please tell your story.

We notice them now, the physical symptoms and we try to take control over them before it gets worse.

The man that lives beside my bed. Schizophrenia and psychosis manifestation.

Bipolar Happens1 Comment

I’ve debated this post and I’ve started and stopped it so many times. I am open about my addiction, my bipolar, mood swings, suicide attempts, hell even the exorcism but this one is hard for me. This is the part of the illness I’m not so open about because this is where the stigma about mental health finds a home. I’ve talked about it before and people are scared of me so much so they wouldn’t let their children play with my daughter. The good thing is anyone who is reading this and part of the mental health community can feel me on this subject with great understanding. I probably should talk about this more anyway.

I was diagnosed in July of 2013 the man appeared in April of 2014 but he’s never gone away. It doesn’t matter what antipsychotic they put me on what dose it is he doesn’t go away, but if I am taking my antipsychotic he doesn’t talk to me as much. I know how that sounds and I also know I am opening up a door for criticism and judgement but he is very much a part of my life. My husband, close friends, psychiatrist and my old therapist know all about him and they worry if I start to mention him because that means I am getting bad again and fast.

***Schizophrenia is a mental illness that causes psychosis, but schizophrenia also has other symptoms. And it isn’t the only cause of psychosis. In some cases, other mental illnesses cause psychosis, including depression, bipolar disorder, dementia and borderline personality disorder.*** In case you have no idea what I am talking about.

The man doesn’t have a face and he used to be a silhouette but as time passed he became more distinct. I would describe his shape almost like Jack on “The Nightmare before Christmas.” He’s tall and lean with extremely long arms and legs his fingers stretch out almost as far as his arm, but his face is still a shadow and he talks to me. It isn’t English but it isn’t tongues before any of you get excited about another exorcism. It is almost like a made up language between the two of us. Basically it’s your imaginary friend that’s been bit by a demon and won’t go away. When I stop taking my meds he starts with simple things keeping me awake he pokes at my anxiety. Then he starts with putting things in my head and I can’t avoid him so I start talking back. Those conversations start off with pacing back and forth then speaking quickly in between his sentences. I get hot and end up with half naked shaking and talking louder and louder. This normally happens in the middle of the night and wakes my husband up and I start rubbing the bottoms of my feet talking incoherently. From this point it gets blurry but he eventually doesn’t become the man beside my bed he is the man beside me everywhere.

The worst case was when I had an appointment with my therapist and he told me not to go as almost wrecked my car on the way there but when I got to the office I tell her he is here and she says she wants to talk to him and kept saying it wasn’t a good idea but she didn’t listen. I don’t know what happened but she said she could feel someone else in the room and there was a chill in the air.

That is as much as I am willing to talk about right now the more I say the more he starts to communicate.

Depression and disappointing your child.

Bipolar HappensLeave a comment

I didn’t do much of anything today besides fall asleep watching Netflix. I didn’t sleep well last night my dreams keep me up and down most of the night so sleeping was my biggest accomplishment for the day. I can feel the weight pulling me down the exhaustion from the thought of getting off the couch or picking up the remote. The list of stuff I need to do is crushing and there isn’t enough caffeine for motivation. My daughter wanted to go to the homecoming parade in the next city over but I haven’t showered, put on deodorant or a bra. I’m still wearing the same clothes I had on yesterday. I haven’t brushed my teeth or my hair so any public appearance is not happening. She jumped in my car when I went to pick her up and all she could talk about is the parade with her friends and I had to break her heart and tell her we weren’t going. I could see the hurt in her eyes and face but she tries to play it off. I ask her what’s wrong and she returns with nothing but her face is starting to turn red. She says she can’t tell me the truth because I get mad and start to call myself a bad mom. I tried to hold back the tears because she is all too familiar feeling when mama is sick. So I took my depressed ensemble to the dollar store where I spent $20 on random shit just to make her hate me a little less because it is my fault again we can’t go somewhere. I could feel people staring at me they knew what a horrible person I was. I bought her markers, notebook, modeling clay, and ice cream. She is excited but then I feel like I’m buying her love. We came home and I find my spot back on the couch find a movie she wants to watch and start to color with her. She is 11 and I know one day this won’t work anymore. This guilt is eating at me and I know she resents me for it and it will only get worse as she gets older. She wanted to go outside and play so I’m writing this hoping that I can rest for a few minutes before she comes back in. I can try and hide it for a little longer until my husband gets home or she goes to bed. I may not make it that long but I will try for her.