Tag: family

Family a little bit of love, a little bit of crazy and a whole lot of love

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Wayne took a Xanax last night and his reaction is hilarious. He was out of sleep medicine so I told him to take one of my Xanax collecting dust in the medicine container. I said take one and remember they are 2 mg extended release and this was about 8:00 that evening. He woke up and you could tell the Xanax was still lingering. He was so funny and kept saying “I’m light headed and I’m tired.” I think it is hilarious because every time he takes one I say I don’t want to hear you complain about how you feel the next day and every damn time he does it, but it still makes for good entertainment. We went to church and had a fun day. I want more good days like this.

There are just days I can’t participate in life.

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Today is one of those days. It is pouring down rain here and I can’t see well while I am driving and it makes me nervous I am trying to catch the dog because he is loose and I am scared he will get runover I am late for work, I forgot my umbrella then it happens…. I get a call from Georgia Power saying my prepaid account is in the negative and unless I cover the balance they are going to shut my lights off. I panicked and tried to make a payment but the prepaid card I keep for back up won’t work and I can’t get on their site or app to move money over and I don’t know what to do so I call my husband who again is a saint and saved the day with his debit card. I just to crawl under and a rock right now. I get to see my hubby and daughter for dinner so at least there is that.

Bipolar Chronicles- Support (this isn’t another my husband is wonderful post)

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The biggest thing about having a mental health is having support which comes in many forms and sometimes from people you would never suspect. So no this isn’t me gushing again about how amazing my husband is (we all know he is like a saint.) but my support is large and comes from many places like those of you who read my blog and Instagram. Your words of encouragement mean so much to me and the likes and follows on my account make me smile especially when I am having a rough day. Let’s talk about support:

-My best friend who unfortunately had to go through the shit storm that was 2015 with me even though we hadn’t been friends that long she still stood by me the entire time. I was so nasty and hateful towards her so many times and every time I apologized she said, “I forgive you.” She said it so fast without blinking an eye, there was no thought or hesitation she just forgave me every single time I pushed her away or said hateful things that hurt her. I hated her for awhile and saying it now makes me sick to my stomach. I hated her because she was always happy and understanding. I hated her because I was jealous of the type of friend she was able to be and I could never return it to her. I hated that no matter what she was always there because sometimes I just wanted her to go away. I tried to push her away so many times but she never budged. She would text and message me everyday and I wouldn’t respond she is persistent because she never stopped. I think back now to all the people who would run away but instead she stayed and was able to withstand the tornado I was stuck in.She is a true example of a good Christian and an amazing friend. If you are lucky enough to know her keep her in your life good people like her are hard to find.  In case you are reading this I love you. I love you for the amazing person you are, I love you for never giving up on me and for standing beside me through everything for every reason I hated you, I love you for now and I know I’ve told you this many times but I just wanted to say it again.
– Facebook groups- These are a bad idea and after being kicked out of 3 I would advise you to stay far away for them. Older women can be extremely petty more so than younger woman. I was in the first group and became popular/hated because as I will later find out the majority of the women in these group did not have any mental health issues they just wanted to bitch/attention from random strangers on the internet (insert hypocrite with a blog) They also wanted to cause problems where there weren’t any and if any of you are reading this and remember any of the 3 groups I was in you will remember that I told you that you never win if you play dirty and that is why all of you had a fall out you created problems that weren’t there. You also need to not lie about having DID because it is a serious illness and almost impossible to diagnose so to all of those bitches please suck my dick. Just don’t promise it isn’t worth your energy
– Tater- If you are friends with me on Facebook or seen post on Instagram I have a friend I call Tater. Where did Tater come from? I have no idea but it just works so I call her Tater. I’ve only known Tater for almost 2 years but she saved my life and we’ve never met. I live in Georgia and she lives at least 500-600 miles away. We met on one of those Facebook groups (the only good thing to ever come from it.) It was 2017 and I was manic and suicidal. I kept going live on Facebook while I was popping pills and drinking whiskey (that was the smartest thing I ever did.) and on the last one I took a bunch of pills and she called my husband. This woman who at the time new me for a couple of months blew up my husbands messenger, phone and whatever else she could to get in contact with him because I passed out and I don’t know what  would’ve happened if no one knew what I did. After that we became twins and instant best friends. We are there for each other in a way that is hard for other people because we share the same illness. It makes our friendship hard at times because two bipolar people can offset the other, but we make it work and just like every relationship I am in with people it is complicated but I love her and hope to meet her one day the person that saved my life.
– Anonymous 2- I have to limit these two because of other privacy reasons but I love both of them. Anonymous 1 was the very first person to read my book. I have a great deal of love and respect for them. They also knew when things were going bad and would deal with me in a different way. They were a security blanket for me and even though they aren’t in the same area anymore we talk all the time and I know if I ever need something they are there. This person saved my life multiple times and also would call bullshit on a few things I did. They are one of the biggest influences in my life and it is amazing how in such a weird circumstance we met and became friends. Anonymous 2 is the same thing. I want to say more but I can’t. Thank you both! I love you more than words can ever express.

I am so blessed to have such a large support system because it is something hard to find. I wouldn’t be where I am without them.

Once in awhile you blow your own damn mind

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Today I was very productive more so than I’ve been in awhile. I managed to catch up on almost all of my blog post and a good amount of instagram. I started up the Bipolar Chronicles again and slowly but surely they are being released every couple of days. This is more my daily thoughts, moods and going ons. I have managed to hyper focus and get so much work done. I am very proud of myself for sticking to my goals and getting anything accomplished. I am very easily distracted so for me to put the time and energy in to focus is amazing. It takes a lot of work but I am definitely on my way.

Stats:

No workout

75 ounces of water

Mood; 🙂

Shoot for the moon even if you miss you will land among the stars.

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I needed something uplifting after the day I had. I am so stressed out with everything happening around me. I haven’t had a chance to update everything the way I wanted to. I need a vacation from everything. I am trying to figure out how to manage everything and be there for people emotionally, mentally and physically but it is so hard. I can only be a good support system for so long before I collapse and need you more than you needed me. I am trying to do better drinking more water but it isn’t helping at all. I need guidance over this next year on exactly what I should do. I feel like I am lost completely.

Holiday Shenanigan

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‘Tis the season for Xanax, awkward conversations, unwanted family visits and all of the trigger anxiety you could possibly want. I am lucky because my family lives nearby so part of this is not necessary. I know people who have family staying at their house until the New Year and God bless them for that. I am excited I only have 2 more days to work and then I’m off for 3 days. We’ve had a lot of fun the last few weeks. We’ve decorated for Christmas, saw Enchanted lights at Rock City, went ice skating. I’ve tried not to think of all the things that give me crushing anxiety and deal with the downs I’m feeling. I wish I could feel better so my family doesn’t think I don’t want to be around them everything overwhelms me. I do like them 95% of the time like all families. If I am around people for too long it makes me exhausted. We go to my husbands grandparents house on Christmas Eve for the annual drinking and poker night which was a lot more fun when I used to drink, but now being the sober one it isn’t as entertaining because drunk people are annoying when you are sober. I take my medicine at the same time every night so I miss the most entertaining part because I pass out and fall asleep. Then there are presents. I have wrapped nothing yet and no one in my family is getting presents except for my daughter and nieces. Christmas is on a tight budget this year, but I got my daughter everything she wanted. She is an only child so she tends to get almost everything she wants. This year she wanted a guitar, red converses, camera, laptop and cell phone. It seems like a lot of money but it isn’t. The camera was $30, we are reusing an old iPhone that we have since my husband upgraded him and to make it prepaid it only cost me $30, guitar with stand and sheet music, $100, red converse $50 and the most expensive is her Google Chrome laptop at $230….holy shit I just added that up. It is A LOT more than I thought. The older they get the more they cost. This is a short list of what holiday life looks like for me right now. I’ll update you once the holidays are over.

Grateful Challenge Day 18- Bay window/Something in home

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This is the bay window in our house. I love this window it signifies all the major changes in our life. We lived in a house that was free and my family owned which was great while we were getting our lives together and going through some major changes but in 2013 we decided we needed a change and moved into a condo that was way over our budget because we needed separation from everyone while we got the rest of our lives together. Our money situation was horrible. My husband and I weren’t used to rent. The last time we paid rent was in 2005 so it was relearning the process all over again. We wanted to buy a house, a house that was ours and no matter what we did it would stay ours forever. If you’ve ever tried to go through the process of buying a house you know how long and drawn out it is. We went through this process in 2005 as well while we were living in Athens and after paying for all the inspections and everything else the real estate agent made us do we could never get the loan. When we went to Bank of America this evil bitch made a joke about us going to Habitat for a house because it would be the only way we would be able to get one. Our credit wasn’t great; we weren’t really taught about credit or building your credit to buy anything. We had credit cards that were past due, over limit, and when we didn’t have money we just kind of said. “Fuck it.” This are definitely things we will teach our daughter, but we had to go through a ton of bad decisions to finally make a good one. The house we currently live in was a foreclosure and through some special circumstances we were able to move into this house. (We had a lot of help from family.) This house isn’t huge but for our small family it is perfect. We were able to make some improvements to this house and are continually finding ways to make it better.