Today was Valentines Day and even though I had to work it was still a great evening. I surprised my daughter with a bath bomb and new hairbands and for my hubby BEER!! I also got an amazing Valentines dinner which was Pizza Hut. The more Wayne and I talk about money the better he feels and the better I feel about everything. He was so relaxed this evening which I love. I felt like shit all day today but I stayed because we need the money and going home will do nothing but make it worse. I am still working through these fucking mood swings. I wish I had more energy but still even without a lot of money we had an amazing evening. I feel like the older you get the less it is about presents and the more it is about spending quality time together. I would rather have an entire day of uninterrupted time with my husband and my daughter then any present you could ever give me.

Today was a long day and my back is killing me. I had to go to Greensboro Tire for what seemed like hours to get my tire patched. I managed to find a private room so I was able to listen to my headphones and write, but all I did was try and comfortable and all I want to do is lay down with a heating pad. I got nothing else accomplished but it makes me feel a little bit better, these mood swings are killing me.

Today was one of the best days I’ve had un awhile. Wayne and I went grocery shopping today. We went to Woks Up had some amazing food and then to Planet Smoothie to have some amazing smoothies. We watched the bottom fall out of the sky and it pouring rain. I find something so relaxing about the rain. After we got home we made an assembly line for the groceries in the pouring rain. It was so fun and unorganized. Wayne had a city council meeting so my daughter and I watched Bob’s Burgers. It was a good day. The rest of the world maybe falling apart but this time with them is perfect.

My day couldn’t/wouldn’t end fast enough. If you can notice I am going to talk about the same thing for awhile so if it seems repetitive it kind of is. I’ve lost all focus and attention to any detail for anything. I want to go back home and go back to bed between the dreams, thoughts, emotional tornado I am in everyday feels worse than the one before. I got to keep up the fight and make it through this mood swing. It almost feels impossible to come up for air.

I am worried about my blog and Instagram because someone who likes stirring the pot of shit is trying me and my patience. I am not in the mood to be fucked with and will show you no mercy if you come at me. I am sure you are reading this trying to find some fucked up thing I said against me so go ahead tell them I was talking about you…. if you can prove it was you I was talking about or the situation it involves where it is occurring because it sounds like you are grasping for straws to use this against me. So if you decide to use this one against me please make sure you add the part where I tell you to suck my dick. Thanks bitch

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about mental health is how our symptoms turn physical. I can feel my better wearing out and tiring so the last day I work before my days off seems almost unbearable and I am fighting every bad emotion/thought in my brain just to finish the day. This would be my feeling today. I still have one more day of work after this and I don’t know how I am going to do it. I need the money but I don’t know if my body can handle one more day. I know I don’t talk about what I do, it is not physical labor though I can say that much. I work so hard and give it everything I’ve got to the point when I get home I am mentally exhausted. I used up every bit of energy I have at work so I can do a good job and I think I do a pretty good job of hiding what is going on with me.

My wounds and pain aren’t always visible maybe through a sigh or a look on my face but other than that I don’t talk about it with anyone unless it is a personal setting. It feels like with each passing month my body is starting to show its wear and tear better.

I am exhausted still. I woke up in the middle of the night completely confused and it gets better or worse depending on my moods which are bad lately so it doesn’t really help anything. I am trying to be high functioning even though it doesn’t really work or maybe it does and I don’t notice. I did learn at work today if you have hiccups you can use smelling salts to get rid of them. This was the first time I had hiccups in awhile and getting them at work is not good. If I am not self conscious already having the hiccups makes it worse. The twitching and shaking were almost unbearable last night. I wonder if I ever really let someone in my head to read my thoughts would help? Could they handle the amount of shit I deal with on a daily basis. Have you ever stood with a bottle of pills in your hand not be suicidal and still played the game of what if?

I am trying my best to cope with everything and continue on pretending that nothing is hurting me anymore but it is really hard to do. I am high functioning bipolar and I don’t know how long it will take before I can’t anymore. Lately, any and all effort into functioning feels horrible. I still make myself get up and go to work, take a shower, pay bills, eat and forgot the madness inside my head ever existed. I can only hide it for so long though. I just wanted this quote because I think other people need to realize that there are people like me with bipolar disorder and other illnesses that are high functioning but there are others whose illnesses are debilitating.

Today I woke up shaking and my chest started hurting and I know what that means PANIC ATTACK symptoms. Those are fucking awesome and exactly what I need to happen while I’m at work. I keep trying mindful meditation but it isn’t working. I have more time to be here and I need to focus but I can’t and I know when I get home that means a date with the bathtub to calm down. I’ve listened to Mac Miller’s Swimming cd on replay as much as I could today. That usually helps everything out and drinking OJ. I find comfort in these small things to try and make my day better. I wish I could explain to people how it feels when I am stuck in such a horrible place and I don’t know how to get out or ask for help. I know this feeling may go away temporarily but it will be back.

Have you ever been so tired that you don’t know what to do first? I’ve felt that way all day today. I was so exhausted when I got home I plopped on the couch and posted my  “I’m still alive” on Instagram and then drifted in and out. I floated in and out of sleep for 30 minutes on the couch before going to bed. On nights like tonight my medicine enhances my already overwhelming urge to sleep but I did fall asleep on Wayne which is my favorite thing to do.

This morning The Wells Fargo app stopped working and sent me into a huge panic after having your information stolen before moments like that will make your heart stop. I am emotionally drained but what else is new. I just want to sleep the rest of the day away.

I’m really getting sick of this shit.