Hiding my depression is exhausting

Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case.  I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand? 

Taking off the mask of depression

 

Suicide Letter

TW: Suicide discussed (also I am not currently suicidal it is something that I have written just to get it off my chest.)

Hello,

I feel like starting these letter with to whom it may concern to be to impersonal also because it concerns a lot of people. I know why you are reading this and just know it meant I was ready to go and I think the Lord was ready for me as well. I do believe that regardless of how I go that I will still go to heaven and I made peace with everything before I went but I know that isn’t how you feel. I know some of you are going to be angry, confused, upset and ask yourself why you didn’t see it coming; where were the signs? I don’t have the answer to that questions because they weren’t really there. It started off at ideation and grew quickly from there. There are letters addressed to my daughter, my husbands, my two best friends but for the rest of you this is the letter. I’m not even going to try that bs don’t be sad or anything else because however you feel the need to cope with it is how you will cope with it. I just ask when you do yell at me to refrain from using GD. I despise that word. This letter is just a blanket statement that I feel I am required to give so they know how to correctly identify it on my death certificate. I feel like the whole I’m sorry and extra bs in these letters is useless unless you were close to me. 

-Tarsha

Last Goodbye: Queen | All Things Next

19%

I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.

Fuck it.

Today just sucked all the way around. I had to work on little to no sleep and a variety of things that made me anxious completed the lack of optimism in my day. I just don’t understand how I am supposed to function with no energy, mood issues and still be happy. It just isn’t happening.

Wayne and I got in a fight because I ruined the evening. I didn’t even know what was going on. I was so fucking out of it I couldn’t tell you what I did. I don’t doubt it though. When I get like this my memory is nonexistent and I usually act out aggressively or ignore everyone. The schedule is completely messing me up. I need time off and time away from everything but I cant afford it and I don’t know where I would go. I don’t need to be by myself I know that much. I will become a complete danger to myself when I am in these moods.

Sometimes I just want to say fuck it on everything but I can’t but the thought of doing it makes me feel better. So I pretend what it would be like if I just said fuck it and it makes a huge difference.

SO FUCK IT. FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK BILLS, FUCK PEOPLE, FUCK MONEY, FUCK RELATIONSHIPS JUST FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!

There is nothing grilled cheese and tomato soup can’t fix.

I’ve had a horrible cold the last few days and it sucks. I hate being sick but I hate more when my depression turns into something that makes me physically ill which I believe is happening right now and it sucks. I came home from work and put tomato soup in a yeti cup because I am lazy and would rather drink it like that vs sipping it out of a bowl. It really helped my throat and I will say being sick is distracting me from other issues. I sound like I’ve smoked 2 packs of Marlboro Menthol’s a day my entire life. (In my brief smoking period I would only smoke menthol’s). My moods have sucked and I am trying to power through it but it is hard to do. I spend the day with my daughter and husband when I got home from work. My daughter eventually went to spend the night at my moms house so the hubby and I laid in bed eating Zaxbys and watching Better Things. (I am now obsessed with Better Things.) I love laying on Wayne there is something about my head on his chest that is so relaxing. No matter what is going on if my head is on his chest nothing else in the world matters at that moment. I am worried about so much mostly money and all of this. I don’t know what I am doing with this and what direction I want to go. I’ve fallen in love with my book again and I need to publish it but it seems so surreal actually finishing it and letting people see inside. I have a blog entry saved here that I occasionally type on when I’m in the mood but I need to focus dammit get all the pieces together and create the magic that started so long ago. I just need to get there again.

Prince William reveals celebrities shunned his mental health charity- see link attached (copied from website.)

Prince William has revealed that every celebrity he asked to support his mental health charity three years ago refused.

The Duke of Cambridge was speaking at the Davos World Economic Forum when he admitted that “a lot” of famous people were approached to back his Heads Together initiative, but none wanted to be associated with mental illness (via BBC).

In 2017, William, Kate and Prince Harry founded the charity, which aims to tackle the stigma surrounding mental health.

The 36-year-old royal suggested that the wartime generation may have contributed to the stigma attached to mental health issues.

“For some reason, people are embarrassed about their emotions – British people particularly,” William told the audience of business leaders. “A whole generation inherited [this way of coping]. This was the way you deal with your problems: you don’t talk about it.”

https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/culture/culture-news/a26019349/prince-william-celebrities-shunned-mental-health-charity/?fbclid=IwAR2geQOlS9sSJxqf1_KqerSvp2GvPzq6fUz5m7VSV3UH5yFkRQum6qLQpxs

 

Suck my dick volume 2

If you haven’t read the first post entitled suck my dick. I wrote a letter to a bitchy mom on Instagram for my content but now it’s time for a second volume for the general public.

SUCK MY DICK VOL. 2

– Stop pill shaming people. Yes I take almost 1500 mg of medication a day and the reason I can function is because of said medication. I don’t ask you why you take 600 mg of ibuprofen Barbara so mind your own fucking business.

– If you make any comment that may suggest that my illness is weird I will lick my hand and wipe it on you. Just so you can “catch” it too. (That is totally how it works btw)

– On the pill shaming- don’t ask what it’s for and say yeah you need it….. You didn’t even know what was for 2 seconds ago.

– We get to make the jokes, it isn’t cute when you say, “hey I’m a little bipolar too.” It doesn’t work like that bitch. It’s not an adjective to describe your current mood. It is an actual illness. I don’t say omg my toe is so broken today. Yeah sounds stupid don’t be a dick.

– Lastly just don’t be a dick…. if it sounds stupid, ignorant, and rude then just DON’T BE A DICK!!

If you want to question the fact that I don’t have a dick just remember it’s probably bigger than yours.