Today just sucked all the way around. I had to work on little to no sleep and a variety of things that made me anxious completed the lack of optimism in my day. I just don’t understand how I am supposed to function with no energy, mood issues and still be happy. It just isn’t happening.
Wayne and I got in a fight because I ruined the evening. I didn’t even know what was going on. I was so fucking out of it I couldn’t tell you what I did. I don’t doubt it though. When I get like this my memory is nonexistent and I usually act out aggressively or ignore everyone. The schedule is completely messing me up. I need time off and time away from everything but I cant afford it and I don’t know where I would go. I don’t need to be by myself I know that much. I will become a complete danger to myself when I am in these moods.
Sometimes I just want to say fuck it on everything but I can’t but the thought of doing it makes me feel better. So I pretend what it would be like if I just said fuck it and it makes a huge difference.
SO FUCK IT. FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK BILLS, FUCK PEOPLE, FUCK MONEY, FUCK RELATIONSHIPS JUST FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!