Yep it’s back the overwhelming feeling of anxiety and a low that feels impossible. There is so much going on around me with everyone who knows and helps with my illness I haven’t said anything. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m starting to get bad again. I don’t know if it’s because of the job change though I think that might have something to do with it. I knew at my old job I could be honest about my feelings and I can’t here this isn’t the type of place where you openly share this information. I made the decision not to disclose my illness and I still stand with that decision. I try to explain it to my husband but how do you put it into words even if I start there aren’t words it’s like my brain just stops working. I get up some mornings not knowing what to expect and I thought with all the medicine that I would have the ability to control the moods and know who I am in the morning but that isn’t always the case. I know that it takes more than medicine for it to work but I openly refuse therapy. Therapy has do nothing over time but cause me more issues maybe it is because I can’t handle the issues and my coping mechanisms suck. I don’t know what to do I’m just so frustrated right now. This was really for me just to vent because I don’t know what else to do. My brain isn’t firing on all cylinders right now. Does anyone else have this problem or understand?
TW: Suicide discussed (also I am not currently suicidal it is something that I have written just to get it off my chest.)
I feel like starting these letter with to whom it may concern to be to impersonal also because it concerns a lot of people. I know why you are reading this and just know it meant I was ready to go and I think the Lord was ready for me as well. I do believe that regardless of how I go that I will still go to heaven and I made peace with everything before I went but I know that isn’t how you feel. I know some of you are going to be angry, confused, upset and ask yourself why you didn’t see it coming; where were the signs? I don’t have the answer to that questions because they weren’t really there. It started off at ideation and grew quickly from there. There are letters addressed to my daughter, my husbands, my two best friends but for the rest of you this is the letter. I’m not even going to try that bs don’t be sad or anything else because however you feel the need to cope with it is how you will cope with it. I just ask when you do yell at me to refrain from using GD. I despise that word. This letter is just a blanket statement that I feel I am required to give so they know how to correctly identify it on my death certificate. I feel like the whole I’m sorry and extra bs in these letters is useless unless you were close to me.
I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist today and we were speaking openly about suicide after admitting that I was having suicidal thoughts. We were also discussing the differences in being suicidal and having suicidal thoughts (that is a different post.) He said that 19% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder take their own life and that equals like 1 in 5. Those odds are shocking for some reason. If you think about the big picture 2.3 million Americans are diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If I did my math right that equals out to 437,000 people. That means there are 437,000 people contemplating suicide most with no support from anyone.I am one of the biggest supporters for the AFSP but how do we fix this? What can we as the mental health community do to combat these odds? There are so many people who can’t afford medicine, therapy let alone see a psychiatrist to properly diagnose and help them. This is something we need to recognize and help each other. We aren’t going to receive any help from the government and there is so much of a stigma attached to us people refuse to publicly support it unless it is a celebrity who claimed to “recover” from it. We need to speak openly and honestly about our struggles. I think we can be the change if we become more comfortable being open and knowing even though they might not understand we can make them care. 1 person loss to suicide is 1 too many. Let’s start the conversation and help decrease these numbers.
Today was AMAZING! Work was just work and I couldn’t wait to get off because Wayne and I were going to Walmart to get a new tire for his truck and that meant an adventure and I love new adventures. We went to Madison to Wal-Mart and after he got his truck settled we shopped around Wal-Mart and I printed some pictures off my phone then got a new journal and pens. There is just something about a new journal blank pages ready for your thoughts, dreams and emotions. I’m so proud of myself and the new steps I’m taking to improve myself and my writing. I printed my book out and I’m rewriting and going through with my trusty red pen. We went to Arby’s and ate. I just have so much fun with him in every adventure we take together. It is amazing how these little things can improve your moods. He makes me happy and forgot the horrible dreams and the tornado in my brain.
I’ve had a horrible cold the last few days and it sucks. I hate being sick but I hate more when my depression turns into something that makes me physically ill which I believe is happening right now and it sucks. I came home from work and put tomato soup in a yeti cup because I am lazy and would rather drink it like that vs sipping it out of a bowl. It really helped my throat and I will say being sick is distracting me from other issues. I sound like I’ve smoked 2 packs of Marlboro Menthol’s a day my entire life. (In my brief smoking period I would only smoke menthol’s). My moods have sucked and I am trying to power through it but it is hard to do. I spend the day with my daughter and husband when I got home from work. My daughter eventually went to spend the night at my moms house so the hubby and I laid in bed eating Zaxbys and watching Better Things. (I am now obsessed with Better Things.) I love laying on Wayne there is something about my head on his chest that is so relaxing. No matter what is going on if my head is on his chest nothing else in the world matters at that moment. I am worried about so much mostly money and all of this. I don’t know what I am doing with this and what direction I want to go. I’ve fallen in love with my book again and I need to publish it but it seems so surreal actually finishing it and letting people see inside. I have a blog entry saved here that I occasionally type on when I’m in the mood but I need to focus dammit get all the pieces together and create the magic that started so long ago. I just need to get there again.
Prince William has revealed that every celebrity he asked to support his mental health charity three years ago refused.
The Duke of Cambridge was speaking at the Davos World Economic Forum when he admitted that “a lot” of famous people were approached to back his Heads Together initiative, but none wanted to be associated with mental illness (via BBC).
In 2017, William, Kate and Prince Harry founded the charity, which aims to tackle the stigma surrounding mental health.
The 36-year-old royal suggested that the wartime generation may have contributed to the stigma attached to mental health issues.
“For some reason, people are embarrassed about their emotions – British people particularly,” William told the audience of business leaders. “A whole generation inherited [this way of coping]. This was the way you deal with your problems: you don’t talk about it.”
‘Tis the season for Xanax, awkward conversations, unwanted family visits and all of the trigger anxiety you could possibly want. I am lucky because my family lives nearby so part of this is not necessary. I know people who have family staying at their house until the New Year and God bless them for that. I am excited I only have 2 more days to work and then I’m off for 3 days. We’ve had a lot of fun the last few weeks. We’ve decorated for Christmas, saw Enchanted lights at Rock City, went ice skating. I’ve tried not to think of all the things that give me crushing anxiety and deal with the downs I’m feeling. I wish I could feel better so my family doesn’t think I don’t want to be around them everything overwhelms me. I do like them 95% of the time like all families. If I am around people for too long it makes me exhausted. We go to my husbands grandparents house on Christmas Eve for the annual drinking and poker night which was a lot more fun when I used to drink, but now being the sober one it isn’t as entertaining because drunk people are annoying when you are sober. I take my medicine at the same time every night so I miss the most entertaining part because I pass out and fall asleep. Then there are presents. I have wrapped nothing yet and no one in my family is getting presents except for my daughter and nieces. Christmas is on a tight budget this year, but I got my daughter everything she wanted. She is an only child so she tends to get almost everything she wants. This year she wanted a guitar, red converses, camera, laptop and cell phone. It seems like a lot of money but it isn’t. The camera was $30, we are reusing an old iPhone that we have since my husband upgraded him and to make it prepaid it only cost me $30, guitar with stand and sheet music, $100, red converse $50 and the most expensive is her Google Chrome laptop at $230….holy shit I just added that up. It is A LOT more than I thought. The older they get the more they cost. This is a short list of what holiday life looks like for me right now. I’ll update you once the holidays are over.