These are my goals to hopefully hit before 1/1/19. I think some are unrealistic but I’m going to try my best. I am off the next two days so I have plenty of time to post and dammit finally catch up on posts more specifically bipolar Chronicles. Do any of you have goals for the end of the year? I am beyond grateful thankful and amazed by all the love and support you guys have given over the last few months. I love you more than you know. 🖤😘
Tag: get help
Don’t believe everything you think
Any and everyone in the mental health community can tell you how hard it is, your brain is extremely convincing sometimes especially when it is something you are already insecure about. In another post I talk about my social anxiety and how I am uncomfortable around new people these are the things my brain says to me:
- They know your teeth are fake.
- They think you sound ignorant
- They think you are a snob because you aren’t talking to them.
- Your illness is showing
- They can tell something is wrong with you
- Don’t say that
- I can’t believe you said that
- They think you are stupid
- You are crazy
- They know you are crazy
- They are scared of you
- You look fat
- You are ugly
- Everyone hates you
- Your husband thinks you are atrocious
- He stays with you out of pity
- He resents you
- Your daughter doesn’t love you
- Your husband doesn’t love you
- You are a bad parent
- Your daughter is disgusted by you
- She can’t wait to get away from you
- Your blog is horrible
- Instagram is out of pity
- Your friends don’t like you
You get the idea right. I am constantly fighting this everyday. It is hard and I tell myself that I am wrong. So I try to find things that make me happy and focus on them. It doesn’t usually work.
New Years Resolution
I know we’ve all done it before made a list of things we want to change and in January we work extra hard and things are going to change….then something goes wrong and we stop. When I decided to stop drinking sodas and drinking more water, I didn’t wait for the New Year I just did it because I needed too. I was extremely unhealthy and I could drink a 6 pack of sodas in less than 8 hours but I never drank water and no matter how much I tried I could never quench my thirst because I was so dehydrated. I made the decision and I stuck with it. I knew I needed to make changes for things to improve and my health both physically and mentally. So I will continue into the New Year to do these things and my biggest changes are for my Instagram and blog. I am going to try and have monthly blog posts for my goals monthly and yearly, improve my relationship with my daughter. I want to hold myself accountable for the changes I need to make so I can grow and become a better version of me. I also want to lose weight, save money and stop swearing so much but I say that every year and it happens for a while then it stops. I really need to be more consistent with this. I will on January put out my first list of monthly and yearly goals. We will still have weekly updates and posts of my shenanigans also the bipolar chronicles. I have a list of great things I want to accomplish and good content for my readers. So these are my resolutions and also go me!!!
– Blog goals
-Instagram goals
-Improve my relationship with my daughter
-Monthly goals
-Yearly goals
-lose weight?
-stop swearing so much?
-save money….wishful thinking
Be the type of person you want to meet
Yeah I am awkward and uncomfortable around people I don’t know I will avoid all eye contact and pretend you aren’t there until I have to talk to you. I have severe issues with social anxiety which considering my past jobs involve customer service and dealing with people maybe that is what made it worse. If you know me personally I can be funny. I have some of the best Snapchat filter videos that I randomly send my friends especially when I know they aren’t feeling well. I’ve also discovered jib-jab which may not be a good thing. 😂😂 I love making people laugh because I love to find an excuse for anyone to laugh it makes me happy to see other people smile and I know it sounds cliche for almost every person with mental health about making other people smile, but it is true as long as I like you. If I don’t know you or like you I could give 0 fucks as to whether or not you smile. As an extremely pessimistic person I don’t like people when I first meet them because that way if they suck I didn’t lose anything but if they are awesome then I am lucky. This theory causes me to push people away easily (hint hint) and keeps me from having lots of friends. It isn’t because I don’t trust people or any of that bullshit it is because I am extremely paranoid about my illness and the people I know it is okay if I act a little odd in front of, but if you don’t I feel like a bull in a china shop so I don’t say anything again I am really weird which is why I like the blog. I can’t see you judging me and making comments about me so there is less anxiety this way. There is always a method to my madness.
We all get addicted to something that takes the pain away.
It depends on the day, but just pick your poison here is my list:
- Xanax
- Redbull
- Coca Cola
- Pepsi
- Pain killers
- Valium
- Klonopin
- Snorting anything
- Internet
- Phones
I can do this all day. I know I have a long list of things that take the pain away. I need healthy outlet and maybe if I try hard enough this will be it.
You can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel. Johnny Depp
This is my life. I don’t want to feel anything right now. I’ve had a rough day and I want to shut everything out of my mind especially the bad feelings and the want to numb the pain I am in. It is so hard to deal with this shit today. I am finished for the night.
Bird Box warning if you suffer with mental health.
If you haven’t seen Bird Box I won’t ruin it for you I will just list the following triggers to make sure you want to watch it.
- Suicidal thoughts or ideation
- Disturbed cognitive functioning (if you don’t know what it is don’t look it up it will only add to your paranoia.
- Easily triggered by things like The Purge, The Walking Dead or other apocalyptic television/movie.
- If you are easily triggered by blood or gore.
I feel like I’m talking about warning labels to medication not a movie. I do have some concern and was a little annoyed with the fact that the “mentally ill” weren’t bothered by any of it. I just want to let you know that I am paranoid about a lot of things and the end of the world is a big part of it and that is why I can’t watch Walking Dead it fucks with my head. This movie kind of the same aspect except on a semi more realistic ideals. I usually inform most people that we are more of a danger to ourselves than other people majority of the time. Yep it was short and sweet but I just wanted to really warn people from the fucked it dreams I’ll have tonight.
Gratitude Journal
In this uncertain and usually pessimistic outlook with my illness I realized I needed to start finding positive things that can combat the bad and we enter the gratitude journal. I am not one of those overly optimistic people who find great knowledge and wealth in every inspo quote out there. I do search through all of them to find one that matches me and how I feel that day. I need to start finding more positive ways to help myself since I refuse to see a therapist. I like to find reasons I am thankful and every reason to be happy I am still here, sober and I have found a purpose in my life. I was never meant to be just a 9-5 person I was meant for extraordinary things. So hopefully this journal will be a window into a different world I never knew existed. I am also going to talk about each quote I post everyday. (It will not be like a challenge I promise.
Here we go…..
You are braver than you believe stronger than you seem and smarter than you think and loved more than you know.
I needed this today and I hoped it help someone else. It’s so hard to deal with life and all the shit going on around me and I can control it and it is killing me and I keep feeling that I am letting everyone down no matter how hard I try and when I try to tell people they act like I am asking for attention but I’m not I am asking for someone to listen to me and understand that I am not okay and I want you to listen because you want to not because you have to.
If it doesn’t challenge you it won’t change you
Everything is a challenge for me. My illness is a challenge and it has done a lot to change me but recently everything that I hold resent has changed me and I don’t know what to do. I am faced with all of these challenges but I can’t figure out how to make the best better. I sometimes like the challenge because it makes me feel like I am almost human that I could possibly function like other people then I am reminded I am not like other people. I have a curse/gift (depends on the day.) that will forever make me different from everyone else. I don’t always like to be reminded of it. I really hope I make something out of this next year. Cheers to hope and wishes.
♥ Daisies and Bruises ♥ 