Tag: Grateful Challenge

Should I sleep or should I shower? I could sleep in the shower but I’m starving

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Have you ever been so tired that you don’t know what to do first? I’ve felt that way all day today. I was so exhausted when I got home I plopped on the couch and posted my  “I’m still alive” on Instagram and then drifted in and out. I floated in and out of sleep for 30 minutes on the couch before going to bed. On nights like tonight my medicine enhances my already overwhelming urge to sleep but I did fall asleep on Wayne which is my favorite thing to do.

This morning The Wells Fargo app stopped working and sent me into a huge panic after having your information stolen before moments like that will make your heart stop. I am emotionally drained but what else is new. I just want to sleep the rest of the day away.

I’m really getting sick of this shit.

Life as a writer is difficult and feels impossible.

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Dammit dammit dammit. I can’t write the ending. I just can’t I’m not ready yet. I don’t want to force it so I will go work on the part that is currently in the editing stage. I plan on publishing the first of 4ish series. I have an author genius (that is what I call him.) helping me edit. It’s time after 7 years to let it go. I’ve learned that people actually enjoy what I write (assumptions) I have followers and subscribers so I’m doing something right. Check out my blog bipolaroutcasts.com I am dropping a sneak peek of my book at 5 pm est. I want feedback!! I will post again once it is out!

Here’s something about me

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I watched a movie about an awkward woman and I felt the need to share something because I am annoyed about many things at the moment.

– My teeth are probably cracking with the amount of peppermint I eat.

– I can’t keep peppermint on my side of the bed when I sleep because I eat it and I’m scared one day I will choke on it. I have a shirt that has peppermint drool stuck to it. (It is grosser than it sounds I promise.)

– I have an over abundance of lemonade cans on my side of the bed because I drink them in the middle of the night. It keeps me from getting up more than I have to.

– I drink so much lemonade I probably piss it out on a regular basis. I drink lemonade to avoid soft drinks.

– I haven’t worked on my blog but I did spend almost 45 minutes trying to learn how to French braid my hair but I got pissed off and quit.

– I am working on my book but not the part that I want to publish by the end of this year one of the follow ups because it helps me solve my problems.

– My mood swings suck a dick and currently are my reasons as to why I haven’t caught up on my blog.

So this is why I haven’t been around. I can write these but I can’t write an update or a blog post about what’s going on these last few days. I will try and get it done tomorrow. 🖤

The most important time is family time

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The weather was perfect today and when I got home from work Wayne and my daughter were outside playing. I went in the house to rest for a few minutes but when back out to watch my daughter on her hover board and help my husband get Roscoe set back up he broke free and started running around the neighborhood. I really don’t understand why people don’t get the concept of headphones, when I am on my lunch break it consists of Passenger “Let her go” acoustic and playing Spades on my phone but people want to bother me. I just want to be left the fuck alone if I wanted to talk to you I would. I am trying to accomplish small things and making myself feel better. I struggle a lot with everything and I don’t want to be bothered I need calm down time all the time.

Later on we made an amazing supper and watched “The Incredibles 2” Which was an awesome movie. It was great time to spend with those two and I wish everyday could be as fun as it is today. Moods still suck but moments with them make it better.

No charge bro, you got enough problems

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I am off today and it is cold and raining. I am glad Wayne is home with me because snuggles and Netflix are the best. I spoke too soon about those dreams they went back to shit last night. It was nice while it lasted. The dreams are a new thing for the past 6 months or so. I’ve never really had this problem before and no medication is working so that sucks. The therapist was a dumb bitch who I will never talk to again. She lied about how much I was supposed to pay for a co-pay and when I told her she was wrong she got pissed off but I ended up making her cry. My insurance sent me an EOB which said I owed her $15 not $70 or $75 which she kept changing back and forth. I emailed and texted it to her but I never got a response (I wonder why) I am stressed about not having a therapist because I need help but I want to find someone who isn’t an idiot and can actually deal with me. My job offers this 3 free visits for counseling if you need it but I never qualify because my problems “exceed” the 3 free visits which I find to be hilarious. The search is back on for a decent therapist.

Today we also ended up seeing an Optometrist because Wayne had sawdust and wood stuck under his eyelid and we tried every method we could think of to get it out of his eye without spending money but it didn’t work. He is so accident prone he needs to wrapped in bubble wrap all the time. I still love spending time with him. He makes my moods better. I just need to bring him with me everywhere I go.

Weekly Update 18

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  • No diet
  • No caffeine
  • No soda
  • Monthly goals are exceeding expectations
  • The man is still hanging around
  • Mood swings have not stopped
  • Stress is killing me
  • I may have an opportunity to get bigger with a very important highly talked about mental health blogger.
  • I need more sleep
  • The man is a dick and he won’t go away
    Gratitude journal is actually helping to keep up with my moods
    It’s almost time for a monthly overview and I’m so excited.
    Always check for backdated post. I also post them on my Instagram so go check it out
    I wish the weather would improve so I can walk or attempt to exercise. Someone told me that what encourages them to work out is how good they feel afterwards. I need to remember that.
    Bipolar Chronicles are coming along nicely.
    The thing about mood swings is I become super creative.
    I’ve started hard back on my book. I want to get part of it finished so I can publish it.
    There might be podcast coming soon so stayed tuned for that.

Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles. NOTICE THEM!

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I came home from another long day, my moods are getting noticeably worse and the man is not letting up anytime soon. My dreams feel like panic attacks and I am constantly waking up scared and confused the man isn’t helping anything. When I got home from work Wayne and I went and got salads for supper and talked about the future and it makes me happy because that means there will be moments again when I don’t feel like this anymore and I am able to feel like a semi normal person. I just hope it happens soon. This is unnecessary stress.

I’m sorry that I’m so complicated and mess everything up

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Today Wayne and I got in a fight. I had an ok day at work but after that I came home and the world crashed around me. I came home from work and I wanted to tell him about my day but I felt like he wasn’t listening also when I got home I wanted to do something different because I am so tired of structure in my life. It is like I do the same fucking thing everyday I go to work, come home spend time with Wayne and my daughter, eat supper and then I take my medicine and go to bed. I wasn’t meant for this life of fucking structure. I am so tired of being stuck in this routine but the flip side is without structure and routine I end up making bad decisions on impulse and usually they are dangerous to me. It can cause a lot of problems that I’ve avoided the last year because of this fucking routine. It is a double edge sword and I feel like I need a break from it but that is almost impossible.

I got mad without realizing how mad I was until Wayne made it apparent to me. I was screaming, swearing but I hurt my daughter and that is the hardest part. I said some not so nice things without realizing it (this again is why I need to save up for therapy when she gets older.) When I snapped back into reality she was in her room sobbing and Wayne had to start yelling to get me to snap back where I was and what was happening. I fell apart and even when I tried to make things better it just made things worse. I really fucked up this time and it’s been awhile since I accomplished such a task in a small amount of time. I went in our bedroom closed the door and started sobbing. This is the sobbing I’ve wanted for weeks which sounds odd but if it comes out then I am able to complete a cycle of fucked uppedness that I go through. I think it is similar to the phases in the moon, but when I started crying I couldn’t stop no matter what I tried there was no calming down and all I wanted to do was the one thing I am not able to do anymore which is pop a couple of pills succumb to the high and numb myself from all the pain, but it is no longer an option so I had to deal with it. I am still not good at dealing with my emotions and it just sunk me down further and my heart just broke a little more. It is hard dealing with emotions that are so extreme they feel like it is slowly killing me from the inside. I just want to be numb right now.

How my brain works: utterly obsessed or uninterested

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I got my hair cut today and now I’m obsessed with products and things to make it beautiful. I do this with everything and that is a big problem with my book I get so interested and obsessed and soak myself in and then it happens I just lose all interest in it. It’s starting to happen with my blog and that it is hard to deal with. I want to stay motivated and want to do it but at the same time I get so wrapped up in it I lose all concept of time. All of this stress is causing more issues.

Home screen

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Someone asked me one day about my home screen and so this is my home screen. There are pictures of my husband and I because he is awesome there were pictures with my daughter but because I am posting it I changed it to myself and my husband.

This is almost like showing you my diary, it is kind of strange. I just want you to know I DO NOT LIKE NOTIFICATIONS ON APPS. If you hand me your phone that has like 34243242 notifications I will hand it back to you, just take 5 minutes and clean it up PEOPLE.

First row:

  • Text messages- I don’t get many of those anymore because I use messenger for almost everyone.
  • Photos- Here is the deal, if I hand you the phone to show you a picture. DO NOT SWIPE LEFT OR RIGHT. There are and will be photos you do not want to see. I google weird shit and save pictures that will make you question many things.
  • Camera- One of the most used apps on my phone. I take picture of everything (which is why you shouldn’t swipe)
  • Calculator- This is my sad app. I use this app when I get paid to calculate how poor I am.

Second Row:

  • Photo & Video: These are all photo editing, collage, filtering apps. My personal pictures especially of my daughter are here. I love these apps. If you want more info about any of those apps just let me know.
  • Calendar- The only purpose of this being on phone is so I could see the date because I can never remember what day it is and check it regularly because I forget.
  • Google- Google is google and it is another one of the most used apps on my phone.
  • Utilities- It has my clock which is my alarm clock, settings just for WiFi, Safari when Google wants to be stupid.

Third Row:

  • WordPress- Well this obvious my blog lives here and as much as notification numbers can irritate me I love looking at the number of likes I have.
  • Instagram- This is the same. These two are my lifeline to the career I’ve always wanted so those notifications are never bad notifications.
  • Hashtag Pro- This is my best friend I always use it before I post on instagram because it is so much easier to find the hashtags and make a list before posting. It is so simple I can do it. Just type them in copy and paste and you are done.
  • Follow Track- Keeping track of your stats on WordPress is much easier than keeping track of your stats on Instagram and also breaking down those stats and insight to help you grow equally as complicated. This as my daughter calls it is an old persons way of understanding social media.

Fourth Row:

  • Facebook- This is mostly my private account everything from my blog or instagram automatically posts on the Bipolaroutcasts page.
  • Messenger- The only real way I communicate with people unless it is a text message. I despise calling people. I ignore almost every call and have my phone blocked to decline numbers that aren’t in my contact list.
  • Timehop- This is my weird superstitious app that I have. So I love looking back at my facebook and instagram photos but I have to check it everyday and never let it lapse. I am really weird about it. It is a cool app and it is free so you should download it,
  • Pinterest- I got the app back when you had to send you information in and be approved to join. That tells you how long I’ve had it or just how old I am. This is where I get ideas for decorating, workouts, food preps, things to do with my daughter, fun quotes and I do none of the items listed ever. It is a fun world of make believe.

Fifth Row:

  • YouTube- When I am looking for a way to distract myself (not that I need any help) I am a YouTube junkie.
  • SnapChat- I never actually post anything on my SnapChat I just use it for filters and to make silly videos I save and send to my friends.
  • Tumblr- Still learning how to use it though I do have an account linked to my Instagram and blog.
  • Google + – I just realized I needed to log in again. It just post from my blog on there. I don’t use it like I need too.

Sixth Row:

  • Holy Bible- Yes even with the things I’ve been through and my filthy mouth I am a Christian. We take many different forms and obviously I am one of them. I do believe in God but also believe in other peoples right to believe what they like. I just want to add this: I will never disrespect you or your beliefs but you do not disrespect mine. I won’t judge you so please don’t judge me.
  • Notes- There are so many blog ideas in those notes if I went through them also there are conversations my husband and I share when we are in church or someone else where we can’t really talk
  • My water- This is my attempt to keep up with and hold me accountable to not drinking enough water everyday. It notifies me all the time by vibrating and asking have you had water today. Which I ignore and continue on with my business.
  • Scrivener- Is a kind of expensive app I use to keep track of and work on my book. It is a great app but it is $20 and I need to send more book for editing.

My bottom bitch:

  • Phone- If I actual need to call someone
  • Music- All of my music lives here. I will delete other apps to keep my music if I have to.
  • Bills and what little money I have is tracked here
  • Mail- I have an email Bipolaroutcasts@gmail.com if you ever want to send me an email.

So this concludes the complete waste of 20 minutes that could’ve been dedicated to a good post that I wasted.