1.) Don’t tell them that you just pretended out this morning. If it is fake they can call the police on you.

2.) Do you ever get tempted by the money? No because I am too pretty for prison and I have heard the myths about Big Bertha.

3.) How do you count that much money? The same way you wipe your ass.

4.) If your check is in 5 different colors of ink and you have no ID no bank will cash your check.

5.) Don’t yell at them. They all understand you are pissed because your account was hacked but call the 800 number and yell at them.

6.) Pop culture has lied to us repeatedly what a large sum of money looks like. 20,000 is just 2 stacks of 100 bills. (If you don’t know a strap is how the money is separated and counted there really isn’t much to it.)

7.) If your account is negative they don’t have to and sometimes refuse to because you owe them money.

8.) If you don’t bank there don’t try to go through the drive thru. It is extra work that is completely unnecessary

9.) How hard could it possibly be? Well you have to remember they are required to memorize federal laws. I trained for almost 2 months before I even went to the bank and it was still 2 weeks before they let me do anything.

10.) If you get a cashiers check please know that we need to know exactly make it out to and it may take longer.

11.) Do you have to go to school for this? Yes there is a special bank teller school you go to just to learn how to be a bank teller and nothing else. They teach you the rules for every bank type while you are there…. no dumbass you just need previous experience with customer service and handling money.

12.) It is called a DRIVE THRU fucking reason. If you need to go over your entire bank statement and question every charge including checks you wrote G O I N T H E B A N K!!! Stop holding up the damn line and pissing other people off so they can yell at me for wasting their lunch break.

13.) In most banks if your account has $30 in it and you come in to cash a check for $3500 that is written off a different bank they won’t let you cash it because you don’t have funds to cover the check if it comes back. Look at it this way. They cash a check for $3500 and the check is returned you are responsible for that overdraft fee and any additional fees that may occur from that transaction.

14.) While I’m on that subject if you bring a check in for an unusual amount of money or any other reason the bank can hold the check until the funds clear but the tellers don’t make that decision the system will when you deposit it. Tellers are just that tellers your account history is in the system we used and they put the hold on the check. Don’t spend money you don’t have and if you didn’t know by law they have to release so much of the money to you immediately but it can take up to 5 days for the check to clear.

15.) READ YOUR DAMN AGREEMENTS BEFORE YOU THE ACCOUNT. When the bank charges you fees and you get pissed you are asked if you read this clause when you opened the account so once you sign the paper that’s it. You can pitch the biggest fit you want but you agreed to it.

16.) If for whatever reason the system denies opening an account for you it isn’t the banks fault. You need to check your chexsystem information to make sure you. A. Don’t owe another bank money B. Have something fraudulent on your checksystem report or C. What did you do for a bank to say no because I can guarantee you did something.

17.) Don’t deposit $10,000 or more in cash, they have to file a report and it gets sent to many different areas (including the IRS) also any money $3000 over is also documented.

18.) I don’t care why your account is overdrawn. I know it sounds horrible but I don’t care and there is nothing I can do. You need to see the branch manager for that.

19.) No one can access anything without someone else. No 2 people have the same keys or combinations to anything at the branch.

20.) Don’t rob a bank big Bertha doesn’t need someone to clip her toenails.