I wrote about this twice already but since it isn’t my daily post I will add to it. I didn’t sleep last night. I kept dreaming and every time I would wake up I went back to sleep thinking it was over but nope it kept going from where it left off. I even got up got something to drink watched something on my phone that was happy and went back to sleep and it still happened. I don’t get where these fucking nightmares are coming from and I really wish they would go the fuck away. I am so sick of having this problem and not being able to sleep. I can’t talk about it with people because the one up asshat will make it all about her again. I am also not allowed to really talk about it with certain people because it makes them uncomfortable. It is amazing to be me sometimes. I am exhausted and I’m overworking my body just to function. There is only so much my body can handle and my mind is slowly killing it.

The good thing was I left work early and went to DQ with Wayne for lunch and we sat and talked for the longest time. He always knows how to make me feel better. We talked about my dreams and how to handle it and he told me he was proud of me for not going back to old habits and talking about it but not letting it take me over. I love talking to him be makes life better. 🖤

Today sucked. My dreams are constantly getting worse and I am so tired I want to stab someone. I wouldn’t actually stab anyone because I don’t want to go to jail but people make it really difficult not to unleash the evil that is hidden deep in my soul. I can’t with stupid people…I just can’t. Why is it that someone always tries to one up you. I can’t talk to people about my illness or lack of sleep because they are always trying to one up you. It looks like this…

Asshat: How are you?
Me: I am tired. I’ve having a hard time….”
Asshat: “Girl I know I only slept for 5 hours last night. I was tossing and turning it is so hard to get a good night sleep.”
Me:…….
Asshat: How hard could it be for you to sleep? You take medicine don’t you? Oh I just started taking melatonin I’m sure it is stronger than your medicine why don’t you take it.
Me: Suck my dick…… and walked away.

True story.

My moods suck and so do people. Why can’t I live in a secluded bubble in the middle of nowhere? People suck.

My mood today sucks and what sucks even worse is I’ve wasted a day that I could’ve worked on my blog or my book. Today I am trying to play catch up with everything. I need to print out the next chapter to start working on. I keep looking around at this moment when I am working in the office with cold feet beating the keys of the this pretend keyboard attached to an IPad eating Cadbury mini eggs and miss it. Will I miss this simple time when my book is published and my blog has high stats everyday. I When the pressure for me to perform becomes real and my illness has to stay away so I can be productive. Will I have deadlines to meet and will I be able to keep up with everything. I am trying my best to overlook everything that is wrong with me right now my depression and think that there will be a time when I can look back on this moment I fought for and be thankful of how it turned out. I am doing this without looking to pills to solve my problems and that in itself is a victory.

Look more optimism from me. Who would’ve thought that I can find so much positivity in what I am doing. I have to keep telling myself over and over again when I pick up my book to STOP editing the same sections. I’ve spent so much focus on that same section it is taking longer to accomplish the rest of it. Your writing is fine obviously people like it otherwise they wouldn’t subscribe to your blog or follow your social media but maybe they are because of how bad it is and I really do suck….nope I can’t believe that. I refuse to believe that this is the case I’ve had some opportunities to collaborate with other bloggers and a few influencers and I don’t think they would ask me if it was a joke. I want my brain to shut up and stop telling me I suck and I need to give up. I need to keep pushing forward. I can do this and I will do this because it has always been my dream and I waited too long to start it for me to give up. You will not win depression you sick son of a bitch. I will come out on top and you CAN and WILL not control me anymore. I am proud of you and I love you.

Optimistic titles right?!? Who knew that I was capable of finding positive things through the shit I am dealing with but here I am rocking it out but I have a secret. I finally printed out the first chapter of my book (The first book will be about 9 or 10 chapters but the way it is set up is different.) We’ve (mostly him) have completed 16 out of around 25 pages. I know I posted a little bit of the book but I don’t want to give away too many secrets unless it will help spark your interest. I have my handy dandy red pin and highlighters ready to slash through pages and email updates as I find them. I am so optimistic about it I already printed out the second chapter to work on. This is why it takes so long for me to finish my book when I get depressed or anything I can become a recluse and live in the book for weeks or months and it helps so when its published there is no going back to make changes as my problems change. I guess I can just keep going even if not all of it is ever published. So will throw myself in my work and hopefully come out soon with a book ready to publish. I will keep you updated through the process.

I have an obsession with rain some might call it an unhealthy obsession and we are supposed to get bad storms and rain which I for one am pretty excited about because rain helps the creativity. I did not get much accomplished because we had family time and then found a family movie on Amazon and I got distracted and never finished my blog post. I am keeping up in my journal my day to day happenings and my fight with depression. I did decide to email the guy helping me edit and we are back in business now I just need to focus. I have problems focusing lately but the thought of being published and a different world opening up makes everything worth it and family time is inspiration for my writing and more important than anything else.

Yes I realize that we all know how amazing my husband is I talk about it all the time. I also talk about what an amazing father he is as well so it will be gushy about him for a moment.

I wanted to be home today. Wayne started painting my daughters room and as I figured they butted heads because they are just alike. She didn’t like the way he was painting it and then she made a mess and spilled paint all over the floor left went outside calmed down and then went back in and kept her daddy company while he painted and she watched. The bond between those two is incredible and my dad died when I was 8 so I never really had the chance to bond with him the way she bonded with Wayne. It makes me happy to watch them together. He is such an amazing parent and I wish I could’ve been home with them today while they painted but I got a full description of it from my daughter and Wayne when I got home. Her room looks amazing and is colorful and creative just like her.