Tag: schizophrenia

Be the type of person you want to meet

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Yeah I am awkward and uncomfortable around people I don’t know I will avoid all eye contact and pretend you aren’t there until I have to talk to you. I have severe issues with social anxiety which considering my past jobs involve customer service and dealing with people maybe that is what made it worse. If you know me personally I can be funny. I have some of the best Snapchat filter videos that I randomly send my friends especially when I know they aren’t feeling well. I’ve also discovered jib-jab which may not be a good thing. 😂😂 I love making people laugh because I love to find an excuse for anyone to laugh it makes me happy to see other people smile and I know it sounds cliche for almost every person with mental health about making other people smile, but it is true as long as I like you. If I don’t know you or like you I could give 0 fucks as to whether or not you smile. As an extremely pessimistic person I don’t like people when I first meet them because that way if they suck I didn’t lose anything but if they are awesome then I am lucky. This theory causes me to push people away easily (hint hint) and keeps me from having lots of friends. It isn’t because I don’t trust people or any of that bullshit it is because I am extremely paranoid about my illness and the people I know it is okay if I act a little odd in front of, but if you don’t I feel like a bull in a china shop so I don’t say anything again I am really weird which is why I like the blog. I can’t see you judging me and making comments about me so there is less anxiety this way. There is always a method to my madness.

Runaway- Thanks Kanye for helping me with my shitty day

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I had a bad day and I mean irritable, aggressive angry day. I was so agitated I started shaking and blacked out some and don’t remember everything I said. I was drained from the raw emotions coming out the real ness of my pain. I’ve learned over the years with my illness how tiring any emotions can be and the level we feel them is so exhausting. I am usually fairly good with handling my emotions but due to lack of sleep I am easily irritated. I don’t know have much to say about it, but I wish I could remember more. Just those bipolar days.

Suck my dick volume 2

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If you haven’t read the first post entitled suck my dick. I wrote a letter to a bitchy mom on Instagram for my content but now it’s time for a second volume for the general public.

SUCK MY DICK VOL. 2

– Stop pill shaming people. Yes I take almost 1500 mg of medication a day and the reason I can function is because of said medication. I don’t ask you why you take 600 mg of ibuprofen Barbara so mind your own fucking business.

– If you make any comment that may suggest that my illness is weird I will lick my hand and wipe it on you. Just so you can “catch” it too. (That is totally how it works btw)

– On the pill shaming- don’t ask what it’s for and say yeah you need it….. You didn’t even know what was for 2 seconds ago.

– We get to make the jokes, it isn’t cute when you say, “hey I’m a little bipolar too.” It doesn’t work like that bitch. It’s not an adjective to describe your current mood. It is an actual illness. I don’t say omg my toe is so broken today. Yeah sounds stupid don’t be a dick.

– Lastly just don’t be a dick…. if it sounds stupid, ignorant, and rude then just DON’T BE A DICK!!

If you want to question the fact that I don’t have a dick just remember it’s probably bigger than yours.

Bird Box warning if you suffer with mental health.

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If you haven’t seen Bird Box I won’t ruin it for you I will just list the following triggers to make sure you want to watch it.

  • Suicidal thoughts or ideation
  • Disturbed cognitive functioning (if you don’t know what it is don’t look it up it will only add to your paranoia.
  • Easily triggered by things like The Purge, The Walking Dead or other apocalyptic television/movie.
  • If you are easily triggered by blood or gore.

I feel like I’m talking about warning labels to medication not a movie. I do have some concern and was a little annoyed with the fact that the “mentally ill” weren’t bothered by any of it. I just want to let you know that I am paranoid about a lot of things and the end of the world is a big part of it and that is why I can’t watch Walking Dead it fucks with my head. This movie kind of the same aspect except on a semi more realistic ideals. I usually inform most people that we are more of a danger to ourselves than other people majority of the time. Yep it was short and sweet but I just wanted to really warn people from the fucked it dreams I’ll have tonight.

You are braver than you believe stronger than you seem and smarter than you think and loved more than you know.

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I needed this today and I hoped it help someone else. It’s so hard to deal with life and all the shit going on around me and I can control it and it is killing me and I keep feeling that I am letting everyone down no matter how hard I try and when I try to tell people they act like I am asking for attention but I’m not I am asking for someone to listen to me and understand that I am not okay and I want you to listen because you want to not because you have to.

If it doesn’t challenge you it won’t change you

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Everything is a challenge for me. My illness is a challenge and it has done a lot to change me but recently everything that I hold resent has changed me and I don’t know what to do. I am faced with all of these challenges but I can’t figure out how to make the best better. I sometimes like the challenge because it makes me feel like I am almost human that I could possibly function like other people then I am reminded I am not like other people. I have a curse/gift (depends on the day.) that will forever make me different from everyone else. I don’t always like to be reminded of it. I really hope I make something out of this next year. Cheers to hope and wishes.

Remember Why You Started

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It started with the AFSP Out of the Darkness walk telling my story, being a year clean, and raising money and awareness for the walk this year. I had an “open mic night” to raise awareness and I told my story and read two pieces that were based off my life. The room was silent when I finished they saw the post I shared about bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and suicide but they never knew how much I was suffering. After that night I learned that people understood it more coming from me and what I was going through. I made up my mind to open up about it and on 9/12/18 I started a blog on WordPress paid a little money and now I have a blog. I also decided I wanted an Instagram and I started posting learning that I could hashtag and get more views. I am still trying to find the sweet spot, but I am doing this to tell my story also to be more comfortable for my book to be released even on the more difficult day my blog gives me inspiration I need.

Shoot for the moon even if you miss you will land among the stars.

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I needed something uplifting after the day I had. I am so stressed out with everything happening around me. I haven’t had a chance to update everything the way I wanted to. I need a vacation from everything. I am trying to figure out how to manage everything and be there for people emotionally, mentally and physically but it is so hard. I can only be a good support system for so long before I collapse and need you more than you needed me. I am trying to do better drinking more water but it isn’t helping at all. I need guidance over this next year on exactly what I should do. I feel like I am lost completely.