I’ve had a horrible cold the last few days and it sucks. I hate being sick but I hate more when my depression turns into something that makes me physically ill which I believe is happening right now and it sucks. I came home from work and put tomato soup in a yeti cup because I am lazy and would rather drink it like that vs sipping it out of a bowl. It really helped my throat and I will say being sick is distracting me from other issues. I sound like I’ve smoked 2 packs of Marlboro Menthol’s a day my entire life. (In my brief smoking period I would only smoke menthol’s). My moods have sucked and I am trying to power through it but it is hard to do. I spend the day with my daughter and husband when I got home from work. My daughter eventually went to spend the night at my moms house so the hubby and I laid in bed eating Zaxbys and watching Better Things. (I am now obsessed with Better Things.) I love laying on Wayne there is something about my head on his chest that is so relaxing. No matter what is going on if my head is on his chest nothing else in the world matters at that moment. I am worried about so much mostly money and all of this. I don’t know what I am doing with this and what direction I want to go. I’ve fallen in love with my book again and I need to publish it but it seems so surreal actually finishing it and letting people see inside. I have a blog entry saved here that I occasionally type on when I’m in the mood but I need to focus dammit get all the pieces together and create the magic that started so long ago. I just need to get there again.
‘Tis the season for Xanax, awkward conversations, unwanted family visits and all of the trigger anxiety you could possibly want. I am lucky because my family lives nearby so part of this is not necessary. I know people who have family staying at their house until the New Year and God bless them for that. I am excited I only have 2 more days to work and then I’m off for 3 days. We’ve had a lot of fun the last few weeks. We’ve decorated for Christmas, saw Enchanted lights at Rock City, went ice skating. I’ve tried not to think of all the things that give me crushing anxiety and deal with the downs I’m feeling. I wish I could feel better so my family doesn’t think I don’t want to be around them everything overwhelms me. I do like them 95% of the time like all families. If I am around people for too long it makes me exhausted. We go to my husbands grandparents house on Christmas Eve for the annual drinking and poker night which was a lot more fun when I used to drink, but now being the sober one it isn’t as entertaining because drunk people are annoying when you are sober. I take my medicine at the same time every night so I miss the most entertaining part because I pass out and fall asleep. Then there are presents. I have wrapped nothing yet and no one in my family is getting presents except for my daughter and nieces. Christmas is on a tight budget this year, but I got my daughter everything she wanted. She is an only child so she tends to get almost everything she wants. This year she wanted a guitar, red converses, camera, laptop and cell phone. It seems like a lot of money but it isn’t. The camera was $30, we are reusing an old iPhone that we have since my husband upgraded him and to make it prepaid it only cost me $30, guitar with stand and sheet music, $100, red converse $50 and the most expensive is her Google Chrome laptop at $230….holy shit I just added that up. It is A LOT more than I thought. The older they get the more they cost. This is a short list of what holiday life looks like for me right now. I’ll update you once the holidays are over.