Tag: suicide

Photo Day 14 how makeup changed me. Something on your body

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When I saw this I knew there were several different ways I could go with this and the easiest options were my tattoos, but I’ve talked about them so much I decided to go a different direction and talk about makeup. Last year (early part of this year) makeup played a HUGE role in my life.  At the end of 2016 beginning of 2017 my husband noticed I wasn’t taking care of myself very well. My teeth were horrible and personal hygiene was again lacking he asked why and I remember crying because I just didn’t think I was beautiful and I was self-medicating so much I didn’t honestly care. He asked so nicely I said “Fuck it I’ll try to make him happy. I don’t really care either way.” Then it happened I went on YouTube for makeup tutorials and I was shook. I watched these people who at first I thought these were everyday people explaining makeup (later I find out that they are beauty gurus) but I watched these tutorials and determined that I knew everything so I went to Ulta. When I wore makeup in high school I was boujee and such a basic ass white girl that I only wore Clinique even though it was way too light for my skin and dried my skin so bad. I also didn’t know how to apply it so half of my face wasn’t covered and then I had lines. This just reminded me of another horror story. My husband and I moved away after graduation but came back for next two graduations and I would buy/steal from Walgreens Physicians Formula mosaic pressed powders that really came in 2 colors, Snooki or Oompa Lompa since I went to the tanning bed three times a week I would go with Snooki and even though I was still pale I would cake my face with it just straight in not blending because who gave a shit and I thought I was hot stuff. So now let’s go back to 2017 when teenagers have decided to put more effort into makeup and I walk into Ulta thinking that those shades were like the ones at Wal-Mart (you know, fair, medium, dark…) but they all had numbers and I had no idea what the hell I was doing. It was the first time I purchased makeup in years so I went up and asked one of the ladies to help color match me…that was a mistake. I spent $250 in Ulta and all I bought was concealer, foundation, a palette that had bronzer, highlight and blush, a fucking $50 brush that she told me I could use for E V E R Y T H I N G.  (All of this is Urban Decay) and that stinky ass mist for my face. That was it. She got me good, but then I went to Sephora for lips and brows and that cost another $150. I learned that I like Sephora more. I am in their VIB club and close to the highest membership they have. That should tell you how much money I’ve given them. I did realize after I started wearing makeup and taking care of my skin how much better I felt. I actually got good at it too except for my brows and eye shadow I still can’t blend it out right. I stopped wearing it about April of this year and went in a slump so I never picked it back up but now I think I am again after I give my skin so much needed TLC to prepare it for the damage I will cause it. Yep this went longer than expected and I admitted when I stole from Walgreens….I will wait for the other places…..

Grateful Day 14- Smile (A few of my favorite things)

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I have a list of things that make me smile or laugh when I’m having a bad day because let’s be honest when you deal with an Illness like mine you need everything in your corner. I have a list of YouTube videos I watch regularly. They vary from clips from Family Guy, The Simpson’s to SNL. I have particular SNL skits that I absolutely love and I just think you should know that Kate McKinnon and I should be best friends. ( I mean this in the most non stalker/creepy way) I just think our personalities are similar. So my favorite SNL skits are the encounters. If you haven’t washed they are absolutely hilarious. We all need a list of things that make us smile.

Photo Day 13 Windows that opened my soul

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There are plenty of pictures I can find that I took of windows with beautiful views, but personally this one is my favorite. This is the building where I hosted my first ever event and this is also the first time I really talked about my illness and my struggles. It is very easy to discuss my problems on social media because I am hiding behind a screen, but to standup and say it out loud is a completely different experience. I thought I was open about my illness until I started telling people my story, my addiction issues, hospitalizations they were in shock. This advocating I swore I was doing and spreading my story and information didn’t happen. When I was finished I had people come up to me crying asking me what they could do to help and they didn’t know it was that bad. I hid behind a screen because I thought at onetime sharing information via mental health websites was enough but it wasn’t. I told part of my story and I made a difference. So now I have a blog and social media pages dedicated to my struggles to help get the word spread with everyone. Hopefully a book will come soon with all of it…..(we are hoping anyway.)

Cold Rainy days+ head cold + mood swings + anxiety + lack of sleep = My current state

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I’m just not sleeping well between the dreams and anxiety it’s hard. When I don’t sleep my anxiety gets worse and I start to have misfires in my brain. When this happens my words jumble, my hands won’t stop shaking, I stutter really bad and I can’t focus on anything. I will tell people around me something isn’t right because part of me that is not overly medicated to tell, but something needs to recognize it so we can be cautious in any mood changes. I am extremely clingy when this happens and it is annoying but my husband understands and tries to deal with it as best as he can. It makes everything else I do extremely difficult and the part of my brain that knows better just doesn’t function at all and do things that are “out of the normal” for social settings. My brain just can’t function at this point so something has to give. I need to sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. I’ve mixed some night time cold meds with my regular medicine so let’s fuck some shit up and see what happens.

I noticed the signs which are important I’m scared for psychosis, schizophrenic episodes, suicidal thoughts, the man you know the shit that happens when someone likes me stops sleeping and my mind takes it as a challenge to see how much shit we can fuck up. We’ve dealt with some down moods but now it’s time for the worse half to appear. Lately, I have thought of every reason to get high and not to. I will keep you updated on the situation as it unfolds.

PSA: Yes I talk about my illness different than most people. If you think it is all fake then you’ve never dealt with me before in any capacity you would know I’m fucked in the head.

Photo Day 11 To the right

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I love this lamp. It has traveled many times and survived endless boxes from moving. I got the lamp in 2004 when my husband and I lived in Athens. The horrible terrible thing had happened already and I was in an alternate universe. My mom came and took me to Pier 1 and told me to pick something out and that lamp was the first thing to catch my eye. My grandma covered the shade with black polka dots to match a different decor. It has since find a way to my nightstand. My husband said one of the qualities he loves about me is my sentimental value to everything. I realize this can be unhealthy but with my memory fading I need those little things to help remind me of good and bad times.

The man you didn’t have to be.

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This is a picture of us at our high school graduation when you proposed to me in a crowded gymnasium smelling of musk and overpriced cologne. We graduated in a class of less than 100, but you waited until the end and as the band played pomp and circumstance out of tune echoing across the room you stopped everyone and called me back on stage and in front of over 300 people you proposed to me. People still talk about it to this day and they remember that baby faced young man profess is love on that stage to a young woman he’d known since they were 12 and started dating 3 years prior. If only we knew then what a whirlwind we would into 18 years later.

Thank you for the man you didn’t have to be. Thank you for staying when others would’ve left. You took care of everything when I couldn’t. You ran the house and raised our daughter like a single parent when I was too depressed, manic, high or all of the above. You cooked, cleaned, paid all the bills, kept me as together as possible, called work every time I overdosed and told them why I couldn’t come in that day, or the days I was too depressed to get out of bed. You were polite for the weeks to months I didn’t shower, brush my teeth or have any personal hygiene finding the nicest way possible to tell me I needed one even when I got angry every time you did. You told me I was beautiful even though I hadn’t showered or changed clothes in weeks. You drove me to the hospital, doctors, countless trips to the pharmacy. You always worried (and still do) about me being home by myself and had people “check on me” even though you played dumb. The times I know you texted and held your breath waiting for me to reply and the bit of relief you had when you saw those few gray dots on the screen. Thank you for being my conscience and guiding me from potentially severe actions that could’ve killed me. I know you cried every time I tried to kill myself even though you got stern with me to make me understand and what was happening…I never understood. You stood through 5 years of tears, anger, frustration, concern, being afraid and completely helpless of everything going on around you to get to this point.

5 long years of dealing with me at my worst you finally get me at a better point. The point where I am able to help you cook, clean and pay bills. You aren’t a single parent anymore trying to run a household while I’m destroying everything in my path. I have personal hygiene now and I function like everyone else. I still have my moments but after 5 years of dealing with me at rock bottom you stayed beside me and I raise from dust and learn to become a person again and not a statistic of my illness you hold my hand and you love me. You did something that very few people if anyone would have ever done. When others said I was too much and they couldn’t deal with me on top of everything else. You made me a priority even with taking care of our daughter. I can only hope she finds someone who is half the man you didn’t have to be but I’m so thankful you are. I love you!!!

Beautiful Souls

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What do you think would happen if we wore our illness like a cloak or a badge of honor. We show our scars for the battles we’ve won and lost but in all of this we show our strength. What if through our cloaks the inner beauty of our souls shone from within? Our illnesses became a window into the amazing people we are and how our differences make the world beautiful. This would also be our ability to show people how we view the world not for them to understand because we don’t want understanding but just how unique and beautiful we are. We are incredible people with depth and a deep understanding for the little victories. I love you and you are beautiful. 🖤 Beautiful Souls

Grateful Day 5 – Suicide -a word- it is powerful

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I know why would I be grateful about the word suicide but I am. I am grateful for the word suicide because it has taught me so much about myself, my struggles, my courage and how to love someone especially myself.

How does that work? Well in my case I had to try it a bunch of times and it not work for me to realize how much that word impacted so many people. They say we give a word power but do we really give it power? It is powerful in itself because it’s something that we lose power of ourselves to get to this point in our life. We can say the word but being there makes every word powerful. What do you think?

AFSP OUT OF THE DARKNESS WALK 11/4/18 (kind of a long post but great pictures and videos attached)

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This year makes 3 years I’ve participated in the walk. This one meant more.

For one year:

I was sober.

I stopped drinking soft drinks

I stopped self medicating

I found a healthier outlet for my problems

I wasn’t suicidal

I learned how not to be selfish

I learned how much I hurt the people around me when I was self medicating.

Wayne doesn’t have to worry about me being at home by myself.

Wayne doesn’t have to worry about that phone call.

I finally let go and let God.

I learned how to love myself. 🖤

I learned I am worth it.

I’m trying to be the mother my daughter needs me to be.

Cami wants to be with me.

She doesn’t worry as much

I let go of toxic people.

I learned boundaries.

I’m amazed by the support that has always been around me and I hope to help them the way they helped me.

I had an event to raise awareness of suicide.

I raised $667 😮😃

I started a blog bipolaroutcasts.com (self promo)

I have a fairly large Instagram following.

People know what’s caused so much pain in my heart and I’m finally open about the struggle I’ve dealt with the last 5 years.

I’m becoming the advocate for mental health and suicide I wanted to be.

My voice will be heard and we will make a change to the way the world sees us.

🖤Forever a fighter🖤

They give us beads for different meanings and when they told us to hold up our green beads for people who struggle you can hear me crying because I’ve fought so fucking hard to make it here and survived times when I probably should’ve died. The horrible things I did when I was high, manic or in a depression so deep I didn’t know if I wanted a way out that wasn’t death. I was so angry and hated watching people function without worried about triggers, mood swings, psychosis or how much you learn to hate yourself because you feel like you did something horrible to have this. It took 5 years for me to see the other side and that my life wouldn’t always be grayscale. It’s been a long year but I made it.