Tag: writing

Bipolar Schizophrenia psychosis vs. Hollywood film industry’s version of “Horror films”

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Let’s start with this none of these “Horror Films” actually scare me but they do mess with my brain. I don’t do blood, guts and gore just because my stomach can’t handle it, but as far as movies like The Conjuring, The Nun movies like that I love watching them not because it scares me but it starts to make me about paranoid. I think a lot of them have good story lines and I enjoy them but they do mess with my head especially with my dreams. There isn’t anything in any of these movies that are scarier then what is already in my head and if filmmakers want some seriously fucked up shit I am willingly to share it with them for the right price. People seem to enjoy these types of fucked up things.

Here is what happens; I watch/listen to the movies and don’t think much of it meanwhile the man finds this as ammunition to use later. He takes the images and distorts them into something that no person who has never experienced these, could ever write about. I struggle everyday with dreams and I know I am making it worse on myself tonight. My dreams are already fucked up. The man started talking to me yesterday and I wonder if he is egging this on right now. He isn’t a good person the man. So let’s see what happens tomorrow.

🖤Day 31 🖤 Weird Quirk of Mine

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First let me say I DID IT!!!! All 31 days it was challenging at times but I did learn something’s about myself in the process.

Ok…. weird quirks of mine. My illness does that count??

~ I bite my lip when I get anxious

– I hear voices and sounds all the time

– I hallucinate almost every night

– I can swallow multiple pills at once

– When my anxiety gets really bad and I start to hear the man I pace back and forth talking to myself

– I can’t take Ativan which is odd

– I am terrified of heights

– If you start to tickle me it turns into an anxiety attack

– I can’t hide in places because of anxiety

– I have crippling anxiety

– I don’t like to use the word hate it is a waste of an emotion

– I can’t stop swearing it is part of my everyday activity

That’s it unless you want me to go through everything with my illness

It’s been real 31 day challenge

🖤

Weekly Update 6

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  • Diet is still no existent/anxiety makes sure I feel sick ALL THE TIME lately and no I am not pregnant.
  • Still no soft drinks. My husband tempted me yesterday when he got a Vanilla Coke. I kept asking him if I could smell it and he wouldn’t let me.
  • I didn’t know my husband was unaware about the whole snorting situation I used to struggle with but he knows now. That was a bit of an awkward situation.
  • Lately anything I drink that isn’t water I can taste salt in…. Is that weird?
  • I’ve thought about making this blog private and the information just for subscribers but I don’t feel like I am at a place with the subscribers that I could successfully complete this.
  • IF YOU ARE READING THIS PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE FOLLOWING:
    • THERE IS A REASON THAT NAMES ARE NOT MENTIONED IN MY BLOG. I WOULD NEVER WANT SOMEONE TO PUT INFORMATION LIKE THAT ABOUT ME OUT THERE WITHOUT MY CONSENT.
    • STOP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO DID THE HORRIBLE AWFUL THING. FIRST, IT IS SICK THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GET MORE DETAILS. IT IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHO IT IS BUT NO YOU DON’T KNOW HIM. NO ONE I KNOW ACTUALLY KNOWS WHO IT IS BESIDES MY HUSBAND. NOT EVEN ANY ACQUAINTANCES OR PEOPLE FROM THE PLACE I GO. PLEASE STOP THROWING NAMES OUT THERE AND DAMAGING PEOPLES LIVES. YOU ARE A SICK FUCK FOR DOING IT ANYWAY
    • I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT SOME (MOST) OF MY BLOG POSTS WITH YOU WHEN I SEE YOU. I WROTE IT DOWN AND GOT IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM. IT IS AWKWARD FOR ME AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU REFERENCE 5 DIFFERENT BLOGS BUT CAN’T TELL ME THE TITLE OR WHAT THE REST OF IT IS ABOUT. I CAN’T READ YOUR MIND!!!!!! MY BOOK YES I WILL TALK ABOUT IT OTHER THINGS MEH DEPENDS ON WHAT IT IS.
  • MY WALK IS ON SUNDAY!!!! I am so excited to go to the AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk again this year. This is my third year and I can’t wait!!! It is such a humbling and breathtaking scene. It is such a great cause and one I feel very deeply about.
  • I tagged all the mental health categories I could think of and will tag them again about the walk.
  • I get paid tomorrow and I have no plans on ruining my daughters life if it doesn’t go in as scheduled.
  • Dreams still suck ass. I have descriptions of the dreams I am dealing with that I will post about later. It is weird, scary and just keeping me from sleep.
  • I am trying to make it over that 40 hump for subscribers I also seem to get right there and then something happens. I am thankful for every one of you who do subscribe and keep up with me. I read many of your blogs but forget to hit that like button so you know I was there.
  • I have to finish strong with the blog challenge. I am a little behind right now.
  • My posts are consistent right now because of lack of sleep the detailed good writing I can accomplish isn’t working because I am so tired.
  • You can catch me on Instagram because they don’t require as much detail and depth as my blog posts do.
  • See you next week!!! Enjoy the last of the blog challenge and postings coming on my days off!!!

update

🖤Day 28 🖤 Last time I cried

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The last time I cried…… I try not to cry often mostly because I am an ugly crier and when I say ugly crier I mean it could be a Halloween costume. I don’t cry in front of people because I am weird about crying. It seems like an intimate version of yourself that shouldn’t be publicized with strangers. I don’t know if it is because of everything I’ve dealt with or because I’m just genuinely weird about these things. Please note I will not make you cringe by saying things like, “I don’t cry because it makes you weak, I am too strong to cry, I have no feelings, I’ve dealt with too much in my life to cry….” You get what I mean. I don’t believe any of that shit those are just things you tell yourself to justify your feelings because you are a little bitch who won’t man up and deal with your shit…. yeah that is the pot calling the kettle black but I don’t avoid crying for those reasons. I think it is okay to cry sometimes we need to cry it’s like releasing a valve in our body so it doesn’t overheat and kill you. I don’t want anyone to snap because I’ve snapped before and it wasn’t healthy at all. I’ve tried to learn through all of my years of therapy healthier ways to handle my shit, but I guess I didn’t pay attention because pills became my best friend. I am working on it though, writing to you guys always helps a great deal.

Now the last time I cried, it was in my sleep it is usually in my sleep because I have fucked up dreams that scare the shit out of me almost all the time. I wake up crying and that is always fun to do. The sad part is I can’t always remember why I am crying the good part is no one sees me ugly cry. The last time I actually cried for something other than my fucked up dreams was around my birthday when I was dealing with my mood shit and my husband had stuff to do that day and we were going to celebrate a little and then do something that weekend but I was dealing with mood shit and completely exaggerated the situation. (If you are reading this then I am in no way saying you were right.) I kept crying and I have no idea why probably because I just needed to cry, but I can’t always just cry because I need to I need to have a reason so I can’t always blame it on my illness. My illness isn’t as special as it thinks it is. I struggle with this version of myself a lot. I wish I could make heads or tails of it but I get confused most times. My illness is a bitch.

This is me after crying. I have a picture of me while crying but sometimes you don’t need to see something scary. Why did I take a picture of me after I cried because randomly decide to make myself cringe with stupid things such as this.

🖤 Day 27🖤 What makes me feel better, always

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What makes me feel better?

🖤 Sweatshirts and hoodies- Who doesn’t love a big comfy sweatshirt to snuggle up with.

🖤 Family Guy- When I’ve had a rough day turning on Family Guy will always make me laugh no matter how many times I’ve seen the episodes.

🖤 Music- This sounds so cliche but it does. I have a playlist of songs for each emotion. Sometimes it doesn’t help the mood then sometimes it does just kind of depends on how I am feeling at the moment.

🖤 My car- I feel bad for my steering wheel it has received a lot of shit over the years. Whenever I’m mad I beat the shit out of it or I hug it if I am crying. It is also my swear box because whenever I get mad I let it all out in my car. There have been so many times that my husband has told me to leave because of a mood and I get in my car and fly off usually to the same places, but not before losing my shit in my car.

🖤 My hiding places- No one knows where they are for a reason. I go to them when I am suicidal mostly because there is no cell reception so it is harder to track them. I also go to them when I am not suicidal because again no cell reception so I can chill the fuck out and let the rage wash away.

🖤 Peppermint- I love peppermint and it is good for anxiety also good for night terrors.

🖤 My book- I can live in that moment with Lauren for awhile. When bills are piling up and I don’t know what I am going to do and my world feels like it is falling apart going to her world makes me feel better but I don’t think it is very healthy.

🖤 My husband and daughter- When I’ve had a bad day curling up with them watching a movie or helping cook always make me feel better.

🖤 Writing- I’ve learned that I am better expressing myself writing rather than speaking. I get mad and all my words jumble together and I make no sense, but if I write it down I can make sense of it all. This would be why my husband has so many long texts from me.

🖤 Snapchat- My daughter and I playing on Snapchat always makes me feel better I guess it has something to do with those weird filters and making her laugh. I love when she laughs. It makes my soul smile.

🖤 Bathrooms- It is the damndest thing. I have a paranoid anxiety about public bathrooms but when I am anxious I will lock myself in a bathroom to calm down. I don’t know if it is the safety of the space or the fact that it is pitch dark but it works.

🖤 Water- There is a song called Water that I am obsessed with also staring at a shower head or soaking in the tub in the dark makes me feel better.

🖤 Fans- When my husband gets really pissed at me and tells me to “CALM THE FUCK DOWN” I go lay in the bedroom turn the ceiling fan on fall asleep and then I’m fine.

🖤 Not food- My anxiety keeps me from eating, usually because I get bubble guts or the need to vomit.

Here is a picture of my keys in my car because well…. it is my safe place.

🖤Day 25🖤 Best Physical Features

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I had to ask people because I don’t know of any.

🖤My eyeballs – I have purty eyes and they sparkle a little too! The are different shades of blue and sometimes turn grayish blue.

🖤My smile- I was always told at a young age that my smile and laugh were contagious. 🖤

🖤 My legs (depends on who you ask) I can weight press about 350 to 400 pounds with my legs. I got it from my dad the strong muscular legs my PE teachers used to tell me if I was a boy I would be a great football player, but I was a kick ass softball player.

🖤 My feet (is this getting weird yet?!?) My husband always said no matter what pair of shoes I put on they look good on me. I think that’s my feet??? But maybe not

There are other features my husband would love to highlight physically that I won’t add. If it were up to him we would go through every part of my body. He tells me I’m beautiful everyday. 🖤

Mental Health on the Mighty-“I’m suicidal. And no, it’s not what you think.” Article and link to article below.

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To Whom It May Concern:

I’m suicidal. And no, it’s not what you think. I am safe. I am not harming myself. I do not have a plan, and I do not plan on doing anything. But I’m suicidal. And I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t.

People think of things like suicide in such black or white terms. But much like everything else we are so quick to place into categories, being suicidal falls into a gray area for me. Sometimes, I wonder if it does for anybody else. See I can be in a really great mood, right? I could be having the best day of my life. Still, suicidal thoughts will linger. I don’t have to be in a bad mood to be suicidal. I will still have those thoughts if I’m surrounded by the people I love, or if I’m doing something I’m passionate about.

I wake up most mornings thinking I’d be better off dead. But I’m quickly distracted by my husband and son, who are sound asleep next to me. I still feel it, but I try not to give power to it. Throughout the day I am faced with challenges that directly affect my subconscious. Either the suicidal thoughts get louder, or they remain just a feeling.

I should explain better; sometimes being suicidal is different than suicidal thoughts. It’s an actual feeling. The feeling that you have an itch you can’t scratch, that a dark cloud is shrouding you. It’s anxiety and depression, it’s mixed state. You’re drowning, there’s no air, and coming down from that feeling takes so long you think it’s impossible. You have blinders on and you don’t know what’s going to happen next. You just have to push through. And while this feeling is happening, you go through your day, as normal as you can, without feeding the feeling.

Some days are harder than others, and today happens to be one of those days. I know I’m not feeling good, and I’ve taken that into account. But I woke up thinking my family is better off without me. Then I started thinking about finances and my heart sunk a little more. I started thinking about my parents and my depression got worse. And I started thinking about everything my husband does so I can test a career in writing, and God, he can do better than me. It’s not fair to him. If I can’t impress the people surrounding me now, can I face how my son will inevitably feel about me? And I just start crying, because it’s all too much, and I’m just a joke. I feel like I’m drowning, over and over and over again. It would be so much easier to end things, and my family could finally get away from how terrible I am.

https://themighty.com/2016/03/when-you-feel-suicidal-but-dont-want-to-die/?utm_source=Mighty_MH_Page&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=Link_Contributor&fbclid=IwAR0kDSrAT28rHZZYTqGCBSq-5tQWR2Bl5Ej7Xyuk1wezPEDlEaIdLRMC30w

🖤Day 24🖤 Difficult Time- The horrible awful terrible thing that happened…a vague discussion

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I dreaded this day. I didn’t have to talk about this yet, but parts of me want to …

So my difficult time has nothing to do with my illness and for a lot of reasons this will be vague so what I am implying is what happened.

I was 19 years old living in Athens for the first time with my soon to be husband when it happened. The terrible horrible awful thing the reason I can relate to the #metoo movement. Just thinking about it now makes me shake my husband didn’t find out about it until 2015 and it happened in 2003/2004. The details of what happened are forever burned in my memory and to this day I can tell you up to the second what happened and every bit of information after and I can tell you this every time it happened because it happened more than once or twice it happened multiple times and I never told anybody. We can attribute this to a lot of the addiction issues I dealt with because everything started around this time. I went and saw a counselor in the middle of this and she told me she had to report it and I lied so she wouldn’t. I numbed myself with it for about 5 1/2 6 months before it stopped and to this day I am paranoid going into public bathrooms and people walking behind me. I will stop if I can and let people pass me.

It is amazing how much they can fuck with your head. You see it on the news and think if it were you until it is you and then it doesn’t click. You do everything out of fear and you believe they have all this control over you because in actuality they do until something changes or maybe it was just me. He used my issues to control me and they Would think I am lying if I told anyone.

When I finally got the courage to make it stop I had a box cutter up to his neck and told him if he every put his fucking hand on me again I will would slit his throat from ear to ear. I don’t know if I would’ve actually done it or just completely choked and fell apart, I would assume the second one but I doubt it.

This is the extremely vague description and I realize it leaves you a little confused but please know that when the time comes I am able to be more open about it I will. I know this guy is a complete and total asshole and I would give anything to ruin his fucking life but because of special circumstances I can’t right now. I believe in karma and that son of a bitch will pay one day for what he did.

🖤 Day 23 🖤 Pet Peeves 🖤 🤬

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I honestly don’t have many of these. I am a reasonable and understanding person. I’ve had an interesting life so I really can’t judge other people.

🖤 Smacking- I think everyone feels this way about smacking. When my daughter is chewing gum I tell her to close her mouth because she looks like a cow chewing grass.

🖤Talking while a show is on- This irritates me. There is a reason for commercials or at least ask me to pause it first. You don’t have to wait for the middle of a show to ask me a question or tell me something when you had all this time before.

🖤 Multiple TV’s on at once- If I am in the bedroom and I can hear the TV in the living room and my daughters Xbox game in her room it is almost over stimulating and starts to irritate me quickly.

🖤My phone- If I show you a picture on my phone that doesn’t mean I am giving you an invitation to swipe through my pictures so if you see something you weren’t supposed to remember it wasn’t an invitation to look through it.

🖤 Social Media- So the same goes for social media. If I show you a post from my private page that doesn’t give you the right to scroll through my newsfeed. Be respectful people!!

🖤 My writing- If I give you something of mine to read there is a reason asking me if that is all annoys me. I had enough courage to show that much be thankful.

🖤 Talking about yourself- Saying let me tell you something about me or what you need to know about me drives me nuts. You will show me who are you don’t need to tell me because you are full of shit.

That’s honestly all I can think of.

🖤