Tag: writing

Photo Day 12 Buttoned

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I thought about this for awhile it is hard to figure out what I should use for buttoned. There are so many options but I picked this shirt because it is my favorite. I don’t know about others but there is something about my husband’s shirts that is so intriguing, maybe it is his scent even after the shirt is washed I can still smell it. I like wear his shirts he feels close to me especially when he is at work and I start to feel bad. I had a bad dream one night that he passed away and before he went I kept trying to get to him but I couldn’t and when I finally reached him he was ready to say goodbye and he handed me his wallet and keys then drifting away. I sat crying holding one is his shirts inhaling his scent begging for him to come back. I don’t like those dreams when my husband dies it scares me.

Cold Rainy days+ head cold + mood swings + anxiety + lack of sleep = My current state

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I’m just not sleeping well between the dreams and anxiety it’s hard. When I don’t sleep my anxiety gets worse and I start to have misfires in my brain. When this happens my words jumble, my hands won’t stop shaking, I stutter really bad and I can’t focus on anything. I will tell people around me something isn’t right because part of me that is not overly medicated to tell, but something needs to recognize it so we can be cautious in any mood changes. I am extremely clingy when this happens and it is annoying but my husband understands and tries to deal with it as best as he can. It makes everything else I do extremely difficult and the part of my brain that knows better just doesn’t function at all and do things that are “out of the normal” for social settings. My brain just can’t function at this point so something has to give. I need to sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. I’ve mixed some night time cold meds with my regular medicine so let’s fuck some shit up and see what happens.

I noticed the signs which are important I’m scared for psychosis, schizophrenic episodes, suicidal thoughts, the man you know the shit that happens when someone likes me stops sleeping and my mind takes it as a challenge to see how much shit we can fuck up. We’ve dealt with some down moods but now it’s time for the worse half to appear. Lately, I have thought of every reason to get high and not to. I will keep you updated on the situation as it unfolds.

PSA: Yes I talk about my illness different than most people. If you think it is all fake then you’ve never dealt with me before in any capacity you would know I’m fucked in the head.

Weekly Update 8

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– It’s definitely been a rough week.

– The walk was a little over a week ago but all the excitement and emotions went away quickly and I feel every single down as it happens.

– Exercise – The walk was the only exercising I’ve done in awhile and trust me when I tell you I felt every step. I wore jeans and so I chaffed really bad. It took awhile for that to go away.

– Still no soda!! Yay!! I still drink coffee from time to time, but no soft drinks is a big deal for me. I’m drinking more water so that’s a positive.

– Payday is TOMORROW. I am so excited I need the money!!!

– We are going to Tennessee on Sunday and I can’t wait!!!

– My dreams aren’t getting any better so I have to call my doctor.

– I’ve got a cold that I hope it goes away quickly. It is the weather changing so frequently and drastically over the last few days.

– I have an adventure with the hubby tomorrow for his business and I’m kind of stoked about it. There should be a post about it tomorrow.

– I will update you again next week!!

Have a great week!! 🖤

Grateful Challenge Day 11 Time of Day: Beach sunrises are breathtaking

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I love watching the sunrise there is something so calming about watching the sun peek over the horizon. The translucent colors beaming around the sky. If we are ever vacationing at the beach I get up early every morning to watch the sunrise. It is a close to God that I will ever feel. I feel at peace with everything and I feel like there He can hear me best. I have a dozen videos of the sunrise and pictures. When you see something so beautiful and bigger than everything around you it can help place things in perspective. Sometimes when I am having really bad episodes I find my videos and remember when we were on vacation all the fun we had and the serenity of my life. Sometimes with this disease it feels impossible to find a safe haven or something that will help you and I’m so grateful for mine.

Grateful Day 7 – It is little luxuries

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This one was hard because I’m not a bragging person. I don’t like materialistic people or trying to impress anyone I just like small things that help me with everything. I guess if I had to pick a luxury I would say pens…..yes pens.

I know out of everything in the world I could think of with all of the electronics and things we have to make our lives simple I chose pens. You can’t replace a good pen especially a sharpie. This could just be the writer in me that always has a pen and paper no matter where I am. I know I could use my phone to keep up with ideas but I prefer to write them down. This picture is my current collection I keep in my purse. I use certain ones for different things but you just can’t beat a good ink pen. In school I loved to doodle and I listened better when I was doing something else like doodling. I remember one time a teacher went over this huge section about World War II and I drew smiley faces, peace signs and my name in bubbles, she got so mad and told me I wasn’t listening to a word she said until I repeated it all back to her in my own words everything she had said for the last twenty minutes she was speechless and I went back to drawing. I usually have to have multiple things happening to focus better. I was told that this is because of some part of my illness (it all blurs together). I still doodle and half ass listen to people but I’m smart so I can surprise people with how much I actually comprehended.

Your vote counts! Let your voices be heard.

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What a beautiful sight! I love it!! Do your civic duty and VOTE!!!

People want changes but don’t do anything about it. We can’t sit on social media and complain about the way our society functions or the lack of changes in the world especially with mental health. We need to demand a change and better health care. We need to advocate for what we need and make those changes. We can change the world one voice at a time. The state of Georgia had and still has a Governor race that could change the game.

-E pluribus unum – out of one many

A motto of the United States; Latin for “Out of many, one.” It refers to the Union formed by the separate states. E pluribus unum was adopted as a national motto in 1776 and is now found on the Great Seal of the United States and on United States currency.

“Voting is our right, but it is also our responsibility because if we don’t take the next step and elect leaders who are committed to building a better future for our kids, other rights – our rights to clean air, clean water, health, and prosperity – are placed directly in harm’s way.” Tom Steyer

Grateful Day 6 – A random memory that makes me smile

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So I’ve tried not to be cliche’ on these challenges because everyone will say something like the day I got married, when my child was born, a job promotion but not me because I like it weird. This memory is me helping my husband clean a boat after he finally let me come home last year. I was still detoxing, felt horrible and this day was supposed to be the two of us spending the day together and work on some of things for me to a.) not go back to the hospital b.) able to stay home c.) make our marriage work d.) realize that the world can’t keep revolving around me…. you get the point but he had a last minute call for a job and he needed to take it so he left. I was sitting at home by myself detoxing feeling like complete and utter shit not just because I was coming off a manic drug induced high – getting kicked out of the house – wanting to pop more pills issue but I was looking forward to this time with him and I proudly did the opposite of what I would normally do which is get high and I called him to ask if I could come help him. You could hear the shock in his voice when I asked of course he said yes and texted me the address. I went over with headphones I shop vac and started cleaning a boat. We didn’t talk but I did see him look at me a few times and smile; I knew then that I listened to right part of my head the part that was almost sober and all I wanted to do after that was prove that I’d changed and I could be a better person more importantly a better example for my daughter. I look at this day even though it was something so simple it changed my outlook on everything.

Grateful Day 1 a My absolute favorite person

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I’ve told everyone before that I won’t really show any pictures of my daughter so here is a picture of her without a face. I bought her that shirt at the event. I never thought I could loves someone as much as I love her. She cried as we held up our beads with pride on Sunday.

She makes me proud and I love everything about her but I’m amazed through everything she is a good person and that’s all I ask for.

Photo day 1- Getting up close and personal

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This is my new favorite picture from the walk. (It may show up a few more times) my green sticky note is for my personal struggle. This is tattooed on the back of my neck and still stands true. I will fight for my life everyday until it’s my time. My daughters sticky note is right above it and it means so much that she cares so deeply about this. Out of all the up close pictures this one is unique and full of sentimental value.