Tag: writing

Just like magic I’ve reappeared

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I’m sorry if I’ve been MIA for a few days. I’m trying to sleep better and not be such a bitch. My doctor gave me a new medicine to try, I am on day 4 and I’ve noticed a slight difference. The dreams are still not quite right not and it sucks when I can’t even nap without having them. I am working on updating my 31 day challenge. I am trying to hold to my commitment to finish it even though it is hard sometimes. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do when it is over, but I think I am going to do what I am grateful for next month. It is amazing how when I started I could think of 1000 topics but about a month in I’m like oh shit! I need to make sure I have good content for my subscribers. If you are on Instagram check me out. The last few days it was easier than writing the blog. I’m trying to line them up together.

Right now my issues with my moods is a topic I am covering which I hope is helping other people. It is something I was nervous about discussing in the beginning because I know what it sounds like. So I am back and plan on catching up on everything. I will be on all day. I have a plan to be a little productive today and I have caffeine to help. So I have some good posts coming. Stay tuned…….

This is an extremely exaggerated statement. I would give it all up for my daughter and husband to never have to worry about me and my illness again.

🖤 Weekly Update 5 🖤

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🖤 I really need to do these on Sundays like I keep saying I would.

🖤 I can’t believe we are already at 5!!!!

🖤 My subscriber list has increased greatly on my blog

🖤 My followers on Instagram grew over night

🖤 My Facebook page is slowly gaining some momentum. It is mostly my post from Instagram

🖤 Still no sodas. I am holding strong on that but caffeine and I struggling. I’ve latched onto coffee which isn’t as horrible as RedBulls but still not good.

🖤 I haven’t worked out since the first update. I don’t walk like I should and I stopped my squats when I go to the bathroom. I also stopped planking and drinking water like I should. I don’t eat much still all of these sleep issues mixed with anxiety keeps me from being super hungry.

🖤 I have decided to dive deep into my book again even though that is almost like jumping down a rabbit hole, but the more I talk about it I want to produce something so it isn’t just me hyping something up.

🖤 My days off I swear I am going to update my blog but I decide to be lazy instead and don’t get as much accomplished. I could write shitty small post but to write something I am proud of and want to be out there takes time. My grammar may not be great but the content is worth it. I have read more about different types of punctuation to get better at exactly where to put them.

🖤 The way that this is growing is amazing. I still get just as excited from one subscriber and for each one that adds on. I screen shot everyone and send it to my husband so keep subscribing so I can blow his phone up!!!

🖤 Post about the new meds I am on to help with the dreams (it is kind of working.) coming soon

This is it for week 5 can’t wait to see what the next week will bring. 🖤

🖤 Day 21 🖤 Something I miss (without making me cringe later)

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I am going to try and keep this from something I will read later and cringe because I took myself too seriously. These are in no particular order:

🖤 Living in Athens- After my husband and I graduated high school we moved to Athens. Athens, Georgia is a big city compared to where we came from so moving there was awesome. I wish things didn’t happen the way they did, but we had some good times. Our first New Years Eve in Athens I “bought” some of this horrible cheap champagne at Kroger when I got off work. They marked it down and forgot to make sure when it rang up that it would prompt for your age. I have other memories from New Years Eve at Kroger but we won’t get into those. We tried to drink it but it was horrible. I miss being that close to everything and not having all the responsibilities we have now. We lived in an apartment complex and paid $420 a month for a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. The complex had 2 pools and all kinds of amenities even though the laundry situation wasn’t the greatest we loved it. That freedom and the amount of money we wasted.

🖤 Band- I was definitely a band geek and damn proud. I played most woodwind instruments, piano (self taught) and drum line for awhile. I always wanted to go to Juilliard but life had different plans. I wish I took it seriously because I was always told that I had natural talent. I plan on buying a keyboard one day and teaching my daughter how to play. Music has always relaxed me and with her anxiety I think learning to play would be good for her. I told her if she can type with two hands she can play piano. (Sometimes when I am typing I pretend like I am playing the keyboard. I know I am weird.)

🖤 Dead family members- I didn’t know a better way to say this but you know we always take our grandparents/ parents for granted. I wish I paid better attention to the stories they told, took more pictures, had more home movies. I was an 80’s baby so the video cameras then were as big as a laptop now. We have old movies from when I was younger and a good bit of pictures. My mom moved a lot when she was younger so they lost stuff and she didn’t have as many pictures from her childhood so her mission was to make sure we had pictures from everything. I do that for my daughter and my husband. His uncle was the only person in his family to really take any pictures of them but whenever my daughter is around her grandad. I make sure to get those pictures he is in his 70’s and while I hope for her he lives to be 100 he is almost a 2 pack a day guy. Those are pictures she will cherish one day because she loves her grandad more than anyone else in the family I think. I would go back in time and record some of those stories by the fire.

🖤 Friends- We grow up and out grow our friends it isn’t a negative thing it just happens that way sometimes not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. I lost some friends because of my illness and I wish I could take it all back but I can’t and it makes me sad sometimes because I lost some very special people in my life and if they are reading this right now all I can say is it was my fault and I am sorry. I hope one day some of you come back in my life because you were extremely special to me to the others yeah… I don’t give a fuck and I’m glad you are gone.

🖤 My daughter- I don’t remember a lot about my daughter when she was a baby or a toddler. My illness and prescription problems kind of started around then. I can’t remember when she started walking or talking. I can’t remember much of it and I try to avoid when she asks me certain questions because I can’t remember and I am one of those parents who didn’t finish the baby book. My memory is getting worse so if something does pop up in my mind I make sure to write it down. I want her to have things to show her children one day if she has any or for her to keep.

This is as sappy as I want to get for now.

🖤Day 20🖤 Where will I be in 10 years?

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I hope to have many accomplishments in the next 10 years my biggest thing is to still be alive. Surviving this illness is it’s own accomplishment so is being sober. I want to start there and from this point I want my blog to be an outlet to my book. I am hoping to finish the last of the series. It would be nice to have a good bit of money but beginning to leave my mark on the world is more important. I hope in 10 years to make an impact on the mental health community. I want to make a change for us and for the government and society to understand that we matter and our quality of life matters.

Suck my dick

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Dear bitchy mom,
You messaged me and then blocked me before I could reply. I’m not responsible for what your child looks at or does on social media that is actually your job. I, however will not “tone it down” because there are children on Instagram. My child is on Instagram too her account is attached to mine so I can see EVERYTHING she does. You are one of those people who want to blame everyone in society for the bad things people do instead of saying you fucked up. It’s okay in reality we are all shitty parents and we will screw up one way or another, but do not blame other people. I’ve fucked my child up with some of the stuff I’ve done but I will tell you it’s my fault. You need to get off your fucking high horse and pay attention to your child instead of messaging people like me and asking me to “tone it down.” On that same note I don’t know if you think mental illness is a Disney movie with cupcakes rainbow and a happy ending because news flash it isn’t. It is like a bad 80’s horror movie with teenagers screwing in the woods and getting murdered by some weirdo (sorry to spoil the ending). Society feels the need to censor us because we make the world uncomfortable well we are uncomfortable dammit and if we have to here about your last dr visit to get the flu shot Barbara then you can suck it up and listen to us. So to answer your question, No I will not “tone it down” or “censor myself” stop bitching about everyone else and take care of your own….. oh and btw SUCK MY DICK! Thanks! Have a blessed day. 🖤 #mentalhealth #bipolar #bipolaroutcasts #depressed #depression #manic #mentalhealthawareness #schizophrenia #moodswings #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthblogging #anxiety #semicolon #semicolonproject #smallvictories #hypomanic #rapidcycle #gettingoutbed #gettingoutbedvictory #myillnesswontwin #losethebattlewinthewar #fuckbipolar #blogger #blogging #suicide #suicideawareness #psychosis

🖤Day 19🖤 – My worst habits

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This is a fairly easy one.

Picking- I have this one spot on my forehead I pick when I start to get upset or anxious. I guess it is kind of like biting your nails. I keep my nails really short so I don’t bite them.

Biting my lip and cheek- I have scars from biting them both. It isn’t a little nibble it is the same as chewing food. This is from anxiety. It is how I attempt to calm myself down without hurting myself badly.

Yawning- I yawn when I’m in uncomfortable situations. I make myself yawn. I don’t know why I do it is just a habit I have. I think it is to keep my mouth from talking and saying something I shouldn’t.

Interrupting people- When I’m on an up swing it is really bad. I’m easily irritable and if I think you are being too self centered I will just make you stop talking. If you are annoying in general I will cut you off or just walk away

Facial Expressions (RBC) – My face can keep no secrets. My husband gets onto me about this when we are at church or something for the city and people are talking to me. I just have this look that usually says shut up or I don’t care. When he nudges me I realize that I have went into a daze and stopped listening.

Swearing- Swearing to me is as normal saying the or they. It is a normal part of my vocabulary, I don’t even realize that I am swearing sometimes until someone points it out. There are swears then there are dirty words I try to avoid unless I am around certain people.

Bubble- Whenever I get really stressed out and need an escape I go to my book. I can live in my book and the scenarios I can resolve and parts I can enjoy. This causes me to lose touch with reality and get off schedule.

Knuckle popping- I think a lot of people have this problem. I love to crack my knuckles, pop my fingers or my jaw. I’ve heard it isn’t good for you but I love doing it.

Screenshots- I don’t know if this is necessary a bad habit but I will screenshot anything. If you want to come with something you better have your receipts to prove it. I enjoy screenshots even if I can’t read all of it then I can read it later if someone deletes it.

My phone- I have an extremely bad habit with my phone especially if people are talking to me. I constantly check it and if I am on messenger with my husband just stop talking.

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

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I’m trying to eat lunch. I really am even though my body disagrees and it feels like I’m forcing it down. I have salmon for lunch and I love salmon but every bite I take makes me feel like I’m going to vomit. I am trying to force the rest of me to believe that I need to eat. It is hard to force myself and maybe I shouldn’t but I know I will feel sick later if I don’t….I mean I will feel sick no matter what but it’s worse when I don’t eat. I want to crawl into bed and go back to sleep and maybe I will sleep for a little while without the dreams coming back. The dreams are almost unbearable and I don’t want to call my doctor because I’m scared of the inpatient conversation. My husband says I sleep like a rock, but it feels like I sleep in 45 minute intervals waking up constantly confused and upset. My moods wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the dreams. I have to call him I know I do. I tried the increase of Seroquel like he told me to do but it isn’t helping. I just want to stop dreaming. It only manifests to my anxiety and makes my anxiety worse and then I don’t sleep. My dreams aren’t useful and problem solving just a nuisance.

I called my doctor about my dreams and they are supposed to call me back but they didn’t. I appreciate my husband for making supper but I can’t eat still. I’m just not up to it. I am scared to go to bed tonight I’m scared of what I am going to see. I’ll try to keep up on my issues as they unfold and what works and doesn’t work. It reminds me of a prayer I was taught as a child.

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

It is kind of cryptic but right now feels true.

A crushed lemonade can to explain my day and an apology to my daughter for a disease I can’t always control.

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Yesterday I didn’t post because my moods are to the extremes that cause damage. I was at home all day today waiting on my direct deposit to come in and I kept checking and it didn’t come through. I called and after an extended hold time I was told there was a problem in their system so the paychecks are backdated. This just escalated my mood. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I paced around the house screaming there is a period I can’t remember but I started crushing cans with my hands to keep from trashing the rest of the house. I yelled at my daughter which is what I feel worst about. It wasn’t her fault that I didn’t have the money to buy cat food, dog food, or kitty litter. She was just asking if I bought any so she could clean it out. (This is part of chore list.) and I started screaming at her. I don’t know what I said to her but the damage was done so there is no point trying to remember. What I said was out of anger and moods I can’t control. She cried and all I could say was to suck it up and quit being a baby. I wasn’t a comforting or a good mother. She apologizes to me for making me upset and she was just trying to help. It didn’t matter I was so angry nothing would calm me down….except my husband and even that isn’t a guarantee. I called him and after much argument with him and me screaming he begins the process of stopping the progress of an escalation that would end up in me blacking out and running out of the house.

When he gets home we do our usual. I scream at him that I’m okay until he gets me to shut up turns the fan on in the bedroom and turns off the light and says, “You need to calm the fuck down now.” Which means it’s really bad and the black out moments have already started. I scream more before reluctantly agreeing. (He threatened to make me go stay with my mother again and (doing that once was more than enough for me.) I’m not myself, but I’m not giving you pills. (That is the next step me begging for medication.) We go through the are you high steps.

After awhile I calm down some and it is time for the apologies. (This is usually for what I can remember.) My sweet daughter had been crying the entire time, but when I apologize she hugs me crying and says, “Mama I love you and it’s okay I’m used to it.” Those words hurt…they hurt more than I could ever explain. She should never be used to it. I thought I got better and wasn’t like that as much, but I apparently not paying attention to how much damage I’ve caused or still causing. She also asked, “When I get older am I going to get mad like you do?” My heart hurts. I guess need to start saving up for therapy now because in her 11 years of life I’ve completely fucked up as a parent.

So I crushed lemonade cans to deal with my anger that I thought I was controlling but it escalated again and I’m sitting on the other side realizing the everlasting damage I’ve done.

Sometimes I think it’s easier to not be here and give her a chance to not be completely fucked by everything I’ve done to her.

🖤 Day 16 🖤 My dream job

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If you haven’t kept up with anything to this point, my dream job is to be a writer. I wrote a story when I was 4 years old about why people shouldn’t do drugs. (I probably need to go back and read that again.) I wrote a lot of poetry over the years and long winded stories about some dramatic incident I made up in my head or something I was going through I needed to work on. There was always something to keep my interest. When I was 13 my mom bought a Brothers computer (Yeah how many people remember those.) It had no internet because there was none a few applications everything was in black and white, Tetris and a word processor. I had a stack of floppy disk with different color labels and secret word combinations so my mom wouldn’t know what was on them. I also password protected all of them and could still not tell you what the password was. This is where my dream of writing started. I would write a ton of different stories that I never finished, but I had a desk and computer in my room so officially I was a writer. I always wanted one of those lamps with the green glass on top of it like they had in movies for true professionals. I also had a three ring binder full of poems and stories along with an overflowing amount of notebooks.

When I was 13 or 14 I went to summer camp and brought my old worn out maroon five star binder full of cringeworthy teenage issue poems and one night two girls in my bunk got up and started reading them out loud as a joke. I cried. I took my work so seriously and that ripped my heart out. After that I became completely hidden in my work. I never let people read what I was writing for fear of that happening again. (I tell my daughter that girls are horrible people and it doesn’t get much better as they get older.)

So until now I’ve never really shared my writing. I am happy that I found a following and either you are enjoying it or finding amusement in my bad grammar and my odd content. When I was younger I always dreamed of being in Talk Shows going over the complex issues detailed in my book and I will but you will be the first with a signed copy.

🖤

🖤Day 15🖤 Timeline of my day

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My schedule is crucial for me to stay on track. Everyday has some sort of schedule or plan to it. If I don’t have structure I have chaos and no one needs chaos. I absolutely hate structure and having little freedom but it works to keep me going so I do it.

-I am up by 6:00 am

-bathroom first- I check my money, my blog, and my Instagram (in that order)

-I brush my teeth and get dressed

-leave for where I need to go

-eat lunch around 12:30

-leave there at 3:00

-I get home change clothes

-talk to my husband and daughter

-wash my clothes

-take a shower

-watch TV

-medicine is at 7:30

-In bed by 9:30

This is almost everyday except on my days off. It looks like this
-I am up by 7:30

-bathroom first- I check my money, my blog, and my Instagram

-I brush my teeth

-Watch TV

-eat

-procrastinate

-check blogs and social media

-start post and never finish them

-pick my daughter

– watch TV

-procrastinate more

-talk to my husband and daughter

-watch TV

-medicine at 7:30

-bed by 9:30

Super exciting stuff right?!?! I have a better blog that describes my feelings about this coming soon.