I will trigger warn now:
My first suicide attempt in September (there are 5 attempts to be exact) wasn’t my first time trying in the last 5 years I want to say over a dozen times so this concept wasn’t new to me. I preferred overdosing, if you wanted an out you had one, self harm is to painful, guns are to quick and permanent, hanging is just gives me chills. If there was a way to kill yourself I knew it and probably attempted, tried or googled to see the success rate. You get the point.
Whenever this happens I make videos. They are long winded apologizes and I love you’s to everyone who mattered in my life, (pour out a little redbull, chug the rest of the redbull) and then there is the honest to God truth about people because you are about to die. I watched one of those yesterday and I cried but mostly I laughed. I can almost guarantee I was high. I know some people will read this and think what a horrible person I am for saying it, but is okay. We all handle our illness differently and sometimes the only way I can cope with it is to find humor in it. The honesty I gave probably helped me more than I realize. I would post the video but the last thing I need is for it go viral.
Bipolar, suicide, schizophrenia, psychosis are scary. The deeper I get the more open I will be about my illness. I think we all need to be open about our illness, our coping mechanisms, and the most important that we are still a fucking person. Our illness doesn’t make us a robot, incapable of empathy towards other. We probably have more empathy than other people because of what we deal with. We are stronger, it takes someone with great courage, will power, determination to move when your muscles leave you paralyzed, you forget how to speak, there is only darkness, you watch the world crumble around and by the Grace of God or whatever you believe you get up, you move and function like everyone else. It hurts like hell but you do it, but sometimes you can’t it just won’t work and people need to understand that. It may not seem like much to you but for us it is frustration and the feeling of defeat, so you tell someone who is suffering who can’t do it that it is okay and be there for them. If we admit we are having problems and confide in you there is a reason. It is also okay to not be okay and I think with the stigma people forget about that. We are strong people but we suffer more than people realize. If you aren’t okay don’t hide it please please please tell someone and don’t let that pit of hell consume you. You can talk to me. I don’t care if I know you or not I will be there for you and I will hold your hand through it because I know how it feels. I love you, other people in your life love you and you matter.