Tag: bipolaroutcasts

Depression is being colorblind and constantly told how colorful the world is.

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I slept all day and I needed to work on my blog and social media accounts. There is no way I am able to work on everything I need and finish my book if all I do is talk about it. I am lacking energy but I’m always lacking energy so what else is new. I am going to finally crack open my old lap time and get files from my external hard drive for the book. I need to do this first to figure out where I am and where I need to go.

My depression is spiraling out of control and being sick is just making it worse. I have no way to fight it I am not strong enough. Any extra energy I have is being taken up with this horrible cold I have. I don’t want this feeling anymore it sucks and it is an endless nightmare that I am ready to wake up from.

Slow progress is better than no progress

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This quote was actually in my journal today and it fits with everything going on. We are in the process of remodeling our house more specifically my daughters room, living room and kitchen. There is also more demolish happening around me and I’m unsure of where to go next. What will happen with this blog, my social media more specifically my book. What do I want to come of this? What makes me happy? Well right now I’m numb but I need to find the key to what makes me happy and go for it. The more I do this the more I realize that I am better writing fiction than my everyday life. Where do I go from here? This is my dream and finally making it happen is incredible and it kills me that I waited so long but now it is time to buckle down and get everything finished. This project needs a date.

I need one of hose long hugs where you kinda forget whatever else is happening around you for a minute.

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That is a long title but it fits my mood today. I’ve been so sick with a head cold and depressed which means any type of fight I have in me is almost non existent. I left work early today because I felt so horrible but when I got home Wayne was cleaning out my daughters room so I decided to help some. I still feel horrible but I needed a distraction. This blog is the only outlet I have right now of dealing with all this shit in my head. I want to lay in Wayne’s arms that is absolutely one of my favorite places to be. I always feel better in his arms I wish I could bring them with me everywhere I go so I never feel alone and empty. It is amazing how much one person can change your life for the better and he is my person.

Sometimes you just need to go off the grid and your soul right

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I didn’t go to work today. I feel absolutely horrible it was a long night of dreams, pee breaks, hungry and feeling absolute horrible. I honestly debated going to work today but realized that with everything I was dealing with it was better that I stayed home. I need help with everything I am dealing with right now. My illness has turned into a cold and it will only get worse unless I start dealing with it now. I will talk to Wayne even though he knows what is going on. I sound horrible like I am a 3 pack a day smoker. My throat is raw and I drank tomato soup out of a yeti cup because I’m lazy. I just need some relief soon. I am sleeping for the next few hours hopefully I will feel better then. I’m so over all of this shit.

Bipolar Chronicles- Normalizing Suicide

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****BIG TRIGGER WARNING****

Suicide is not a topic comfortably discussed by anyone and sometimes not even me. I have tried to die by suicide many times I think I tried to count it up in a previous post but I think adding a number to it will send the wrong message right now. I DID have a ton of different suicide notes, methods, videos, DNR’s that are notarized, funeral plans…. you get the point. It WAS like a really fucked up scrapbook. You get the point of my suicide issues. It is very important to point out that people do not commit suicide they die by suicide. This is suicide from one perspective my case may or may not be like others also understand from this point I will be descriptive in some aspects so again just a trigger warning.

I feel like we should be able to openly discuss our suicide thoughts without the stigma attached that we are suicidal because I am not suicidal but of course I’ve had thoughts they never leave you (or maybe just me) There is always that moment of it would be easier if I wasn’t here. That one moment that thought crosses your mind doesn’t mean you are suicidal nor does it classify as suicidal ideation it is just a thought that crosses your mind like what am I having for dinner. The state it happens and whether you choose to act on it is a completely different thing. I know it sounds like I am normalizing suicide because….I am. If we were completely honest with the thought of not being judged by anyone how open would you be about your suicidal thoughts do you think it would make you feel better? If you could go to a love one and say this is how I am feeling and them not automatically send you to psych. What if you just were able to be open about suicide? I told you about my fucked up scrapbook that I am proud to say has been thrown away now. Does that mean another one will pop up? I don’t know. I know lately I’ve been depressed and the thought of just disappearing sounds great at times then at others its like umm……no. I am in that frame of mind where I am able to differentiate the two, but it is also important in this same aspect that I am able to tell my husband. He also has learned the differences over the years. If we want to have a serious discussion about suicide and my feelings I need him to know that I am talking about it because it is on my mind but not because I want to but because I want this fucking thought out of my head.

You know suicide/mental may not be a topic at a dinner party but neither is politics but people talk about it anyway. What if we hosted parties for people to talk about their mental health? What if instead of discussing who was a better president we talk about antidepressants and suicide? Would that be awkward? I have tried to die by suicide enough times that I would have plenty of stories to tell. We need to be more open about suicide and make it okay for people to come to you for help. What if we actually were able to talk about it without worrying about people getting uncomfortable would it stop you? Would you second guess yourself (there are times when it is so bad that no matter what anyone does it doesn’t help.) would you feel better? We need to talk about suicide and share stories within reason because somewhere in our paths down this mental health hellhole we are stuck in it could help someone else. So lets be open and tell our stories with trigger warnings but we can be the ones who make it okay for someone else to ask for help. So please be the change and let’s make mental health an open ended discussion.

If you or someone you know is suicidal please call the suicide hotline 800-273-8255 or text talk to 741741

My heart is so tired

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Yep you guessed it from the previous post I am just tired. My heart hurts from trying to feel something almost anything. I left work early today sick and had a horrible CVS visit I made it home. I think my mental health are turning into physical symptoms which is just what I need right now. I can’t afford this so I need the rest of my body needs to cooperate and listen to each other and get going. I am also having problems with acid reflux. Thanks anxiety I enjoy the horrible things I am dealing with now. I can’t sleep or get comfortable. I just want all of it to go away. My chest hurts and I know that my body is trying to work itself through it but it is slowly wearing me out.

I just need something……. anything……..

I’m just tired

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I haven’t showered in 3 days and even though it is extremely cold and it is the very last thing I want to do I am going to shower even if it means forcing myself to do it. This also means I will lay in a tub and stare at a wall for 15 minutes before I actually get up and shower. I will spend 15 minutes trying to clear my head before I shower and hope that it makes some sort of difference in my thoughts. I’ve even forced myself to do things including work on my blog which is something that I love doing. I have no energy and I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything. I want to feel something right now…..just anything…..

Sometimes the worst place to be is in your own head.

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Now that I’ve admitted and accepted my depression for what it is I need to work through it. How do I do this? No one knows I just figure it out as it goes which isn’t the best idea but it is all I got right now. I feel nothing I am just a void holding up space meant to be used for a greater purpose. Yes you can feel this way without being suicidal so I am not a danger to myself or others. You can think about the space you are taking up without being suicidal. I think that is one of the biggest misconception about depression and suicide. You can deal with each one individually or together either way is not good. That is the problem though I can’t openly talk about these things because people automatically think I am suicidal and then I am this damsel in distress that everyone needs to save when in actuality I just want to talk about it. I want to talk about feeling like a burden or what it would mean to no longer deal with this and mean it in a healthy way because you can talk about suicide and depression in a way that is healthy. We have to be able to say things because holding it in only makes it worse. So yes I’ve stared at a hole in the wall wondering what it would be like to fill that hole if I could not be here anymore. If it meant that I could feel something and not be so numb to all of my feelings what would that feel like? I can say it and say I am not fucking suicidal. I just want to say it dammit. I want to openly say that I’ve stared at a bottle of pills thinking what if but never with the intention of doing it just the thought of it. I’ve never been diagnosed with suicidal ideation and I don’t feel like it fits in this category.

I look at my husband and my daughter and it makes me mad all the time I wasted trying to escape them and this life I had that I thought was so terrible. It makes me mad that this illness took time from me. It took years from me that I will never get back it took memories I will never remember because of this shit and no I don’t want to die but I just want to openly talk about the feeling without being shamed.

I can’t feel anymore. I want to feel something again.

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Guess what?!?! I am depressed. I’ve avoided saying it by using words like low, no energy it is time I just used the fucking word d-e-p-r-e-s-s-e-d just defuckingpressed. I have no emotions. I can pretend like I do and smile in your face but I am actually empty inside. I can stare at the same dot on the wall for an hour and not even realize I am doing it. I love when people say things to me like “you don’t smile much anymore.” “you always look sad.” “Why aren’t you talking to me anymore?” “Did I make you mad?” “You are so emotional and dramatic.” You get the point. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t afford to be out of work and even though I am listed as having a disability what assistance do I actually get. It is so hard with mental health to ask for what you want or need to people who may not always understand.

I would really like to feel something anything but I have nothing I am just empty.