****BIG TRIGGER WARNING****
Suicide is not a topic comfortably discussed by anyone and sometimes not even me. I have tried to die by suicide many times I think I tried to count it up in a previous post but I think adding a number to it will send the wrong message right now. I DID have a ton of different suicide notes, methods, videos, DNR’s that are notarized, funeral plans…. you get the point. It WAS like a really fucked up scrapbook. You get the point of my suicide issues. It is very important to point out that people do not commit suicide they die by suicide. This is suicide from one perspective my case may or may not be like others also understand from this point I will be descriptive in some aspects so again just a trigger warning.
I feel like we should be able to openly discuss our suicide thoughts without the stigma attached that we are suicidal because I am not suicidal but of course I’ve had thoughts they never leave you (or maybe just me) There is always that moment of it would be easier if I wasn’t here. That one moment that thought crosses your mind doesn’t mean you are suicidal nor does it classify as suicidal ideation it is just a thought that crosses your mind like what am I having for dinner. The state it happens and whether you choose to act on it is a completely different thing. I know it sounds like I am normalizing suicide because….I am. If we were completely honest with the thought of not being judged by anyone how open would you be about your suicidal thoughts do you think it would make you feel better? If you could go to a love one and say this is how I am feeling and them not automatically send you to psych. What if you just were able to be open about suicide? I told you about my fucked up scrapbook that I am proud to say has been thrown away now. Does that mean another one will pop up? I don’t know. I know lately I’ve been depressed and the thought of just disappearing sounds great at times then at others its like umm……no. I am in that frame of mind where I am able to differentiate the two, but it is also important in this same aspect that I am able to tell my husband. He also has learned the differences over the years. If we want to have a serious discussion about suicide and my feelings I need him to know that I am talking about it because it is on my mind but not because I want to but because I want this fucking thought out of my head.
You know suicide/mental may not be a topic at a dinner party but neither is politics but people talk about it anyway. What if we hosted parties for people to talk about their mental health? What if instead of discussing who was a better president we talk about antidepressants and suicide? Would that be awkward? I have tried to die by suicide enough times that I would have plenty of stories to tell. We need to be more open about suicide and make it okay for people to come to you for help. What if we actually were able to talk about it without worrying about people getting uncomfortable would it stop you? Would you second guess yourself (there are times when it is so bad that no matter what anyone does it doesn’t help.) would you feel better? We need to talk about suicide and share stories within reason because somewhere in our paths down this mental health hellhole we are stuck in it could help someone else. So lets be open and tell our stories with trigger warnings but we can be the ones who make it okay for someone else to ask for help. So please be the change and let’s make mental health an open ended discussion.
If you or someone you know is suicidal please call the suicide hotline 800-273-8255 or text talk to 741741