Tag: comfort

No charge bro, you got enough problems

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I am off today and it is cold and raining. I am glad Wayne is home with me because snuggles and Netflix are the best. I spoke too soon about those dreams they went back to shit last night. It was nice while it lasted. The dreams are a new thing for the past 6 months or so. I’ve never really had this problem before and no medication is working so that sucks. The therapist was a dumb bitch who I will never talk to again. She lied about how much I was supposed to pay for a co-pay and when I told her she was wrong she got pissed off but I ended up making her cry. My insurance sent me an EOB which said I owed her $15 not $70 or $75 which she kept changing back and forth. I emailed and texted it to her but I never got a response (I wonder why) I am stressed about not having a therapist because I need help but I want to find someone who isn’t an idiot and can actually deal with me. My job offers this 3 free visits for counseling if you need it but I never qualify because my problems “exceed” the 3 free visits which I find to be hilarious. The search is back on for a decent therapist.

Today we also ended up seeing an Optometrist because Wayne had sawdust and wood stuck under his eyelid and we tried every method we could think of to get it out of his eye without spending money but it didn’t work. He is so accident prone he needs to wrapped in bubble wrap all the time. I still love spending time with him. He makes my moods better. I just need to bring him with me everywhere I go.

Weekly Update 18

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  • No diet
  • No caffeine
  • No soda
  • Monthly goals are exceeding expectations
  • The man is still hanging around
  • Mood swings have not stopped
  • Stress is killing me
  • I may have an opportunity to get bigger with a very important highly talked about mental health blogger.
  • I need more sleep
  • The man is a dick and he won’t go away
    Gratitude journal is actually helping to keep up with my moods
    It’s almost time for a monthly overview and I’m so excited.
    Always check for backdated post. I also post them on my Instagram so go check it out
    I wish the weather would improve so I can walk or attempt to exercise. Someone told me that what encourages them to work out is how good they feel afterwards. I need to remember that.
    Bipolar Chronicles are coming along nicely.
    The thing about mood swings is I become super creative.
    I’ve started hard back on my book. I want to get part of it finished so I can publish it.
    There might be podcast coming soon so stayed tuned for that.

When you wake up from sleeping feeling refreshed and happy.

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IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!! I went to sleep last night and woke up laughing more than once from a dream I had. I wish I could remember what it was about but I can’t tell you when the last time this happened. I actually got some fucking sleep!!! Who knew it was even possible?!? My mood has improved just a little bit but it is better than nothing right? The one thing I will say about these mood swings is I am extremely creative and writing is coming very easy to me and I am getting a lot of that accomplished. Let’s hope this trend continues.

Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles. NOTICE THEM!

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I came home from another long day, my moods are getting noticeably worse and the man is not letting up anytime soon. My dreams feel like panic attacks and I am constantly waking up scared and confused the man isn’t helping anything. When I got home from work Wayne and I went and got salads for supper and talked about the future and it makes me happy because that means there will be moments again when I don’t feel like this anymore and I am able to feel like a semi normal person. I just hope it happens soon. This is unnecessary stress.

Bipolar Chronicles- Psychosis (The man that lives at the edge of my bed.)

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Hello psychosis my old friend. You are a pain in the ass and I wish you would go away but you are always nearby. You take many different shapes and forms depending on what is happening but your favorite is The Man. I’ve talked about The Man some he is the one who watches me sleep and even though people don’t think he is real, he is real to me and he is not a kind or a spirit to help guide me on my path like therapist want to tell me. He is what nightmares of made of and even when I’m medicated he is still there maybe not talking to me but he is watching me all the time. He is always there and they keep adjusting medicine hoping it makes a difference but it doesn’t and maybe therapy will help but they always want to say that he is a positive entity if I allow him to be, but he isn’t positive and never will be for you to tell me to look at him and think positive thoughts proves to me you’ve never dealt with something like this before and you are not qualified to do your job. I don’t handle people well that claim they can treat mental health but have 0 clue on what the fuck I am actually talking about again why I don’t like therapist but back to the man. When I get really bad he follows me outside the bedroom and he controls part of my mind. They tell me that these delusions and hallucinations are because of my medicine but it happened without my medicine and it is usually worse without medication. He tells me not to take my medicine and how everyone is trying to control me and I need to break free from everyone he also tells me I don’t need my meds. It’s weird because he looks like Slenderman (he was here before slenderman was a thing.)  I don’t understand how anyone could say anything positive about him especially that he is a guide here to help me. He’s hanging around again and as much as I try to avoid him he is getting worse and I can hear him talking to me. I know that skipping time is part of what happens with him and what started out to be 45 minutes a day is more than hour now. Skipping time is the start to usually a very long and self destructing path. We haven’t really dealt with it without me self medicating so I don’t know how or what we are going to do to help combat it.

Weekly Update 17

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  • NO SODAS!!! YAY!!
  • CAFFEINE COMING OFF OF IT NOW
  • PLEASE CHECK FOR BACK DATED ENTRIES AGAIN
  • DAILY LIFE ENTRIES (THIS IS WHAT IS BACK DATED)
  • SOMETIMES I WANT TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS
  • BIPOLAR CHRONICLES- WORK IN PROGRESS
  • I AM FORCING MYSELF TO WRITE EVEN WHEN I DON’T TO
  • IF I KEEP LETTING MY ILLNESS WIN I WON’T EVER MAKE PROGRESS
  • I AM WORKING ON MY BOOK AGAIN (YAY! GO ME)
  • ARE YOU ANNOYED WITH THE ALL CAPS? I AM TOO BUT IT REQUIRES MORE EFFORT THAN I AM WILLING TO DO.
  • I FEEL LIKE I AM ALWAYS TIRED
  • I AM SKIPPING TIME WHICH IS EXTREMELY SCARY. I AM TRYING TO FOCUS ON IT BUT I AM HAVING A HARD TIME.
  • I AM SEEING THE MAN AGAIN AND HE IS STARTING TO BECOME MORE OF A FOCAL POINT IN MY LIFE.
  • I NEED TIME TO GET MY MOODS IN CONTROL
  • WHICH MEANS PUSHING AWAY FROM EVERYONE AND ISOLATING MYSELF UNTIL I CAN FIND THE PROBLEM. WHICH IS PART OF THE PROBLEM
  • MY HEADPHONES WILL BE PERMANENTLY ATTACHED FOR AWHILE.
  • THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE OF MY POST MAY NOT MAKE A LOT OF DENSE

I know it is hard but keep trying.

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Today was a good day even though I was so tired again. Wayne and I ended up spending the day together and he was in a better mood than he had been in for awhile. He sat watched movies and talked for awhile. It felt good that we were both in a good mood around each other. I haven’t really talked to him much about what is going on with me because he already has so much on his plate, I don’t want to add this stress to it. I’ve dealt with it before right? I can do it again by myself without medication. How hard can it be? The man is around and he is almost at full size. He isn’t talking but he follows me around more. I am trying to ignore him. Wayne and I scratched up money and got some lottery tickets today and then sat in the sun room with the door open enjoying the weather and talking. Those are the things I can do to make the man go away. He doesn’t like it when I am around people he tries to keep me away by saying things about them, but we haven’t got that far. I am really trying to make him go away now.

Happiness is homemade

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Today just wouldn’t end fast enough. Wayne and I discussed the salads we had last night and wanted to recreate them. I think last night was good for us. We are getting along better now. There are always hard times in relationships and we’ve been through our fair share but it never makes it any easier. We are making it through and me finally being in a right mind (sort of) I am able to comprehend (somewhat) what is going on around me. I know it kind be easy handling everything with me and trying to fight your own battles, but I am trying to use the knowledge of everything I’ve been through to help him if he will let me help him. He had a deacons meeting tonight and I had some time to myself and all I wanted was them. They are all I want all the time now which can be hard because they are my comfort level. I don’t like when these things are going on to be outside my comfort level so it makes everything else feel almost impossible.

The man isn’t vocal but he is hanging around more. I really want him to go away.

Raise your words not your voice it is rain that grows flowers not thunder

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Today was a bad day. Wayne is stressed out and when he is stressed out it is hard for everyone. I am so used to him being the neutral I sometimes forget that he is human and deals with emotions too. Cami lied and to leave school early and it made Wayne upset so he was still in a sour mood when I got home. I know things with his business are slow right now and he is worried about so many things but I am not completely stable and I don’t know how to help him with his moods. I know he doesn’t want to see anyone for medicine (not because he doesn’t believe it) but he like most people think it is just stressed because of environmental reasons so he can control it. I know so much of the environment thing is bullshit but even though he is dead set on making sure that I am on mine to help me. I wish I knew how to help him.

It was also a bad day because my daughters pet salamander died. The reason she even found him is because of the oddly warm weather we are having right now. She was having a hard time finding food for him and I don’t think he was ever meant to live anyway but it broke her heart and she already had a rough day. We laid in the bed and talked until I fell asleep. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

The man is still around and he won’t leave. He is starting to become more visual but not vocal.