Tag: love

I’m not doing shit today

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Today was my last day of work for 3 whole days!! The Super Bowl is on tonight which I don’t care much for football but it will be fun to watch the commercials. I am hoping these days off will help my moods improve. I went outside with my daughter and watched her hover around the yard and down our street. We made some really cool videos of her which I enjoyed. I thought about uploading them. It’s sucks that my moods are causing so many problems and distance between people because I don’t want to hurt them. I need to work more on my blog and Instagram but I don’t feel like it and Instagram shadowbanned me again so it won’t be exciting until they stop that shit. The man is always around and watching me. He still talks occasionally.

The most important time is family time

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The weather was perfect today and when I got home from work Wayne and my daughter were outside playing. I went in the house to rest for a few minutes but when back out to watch my daughter on her hover board and help my husband get Roscoe set back up he broke free and started running around the neighborhood. I really don’t understand why people don’t get the concept of headphones, when I am on my lunch break it consists of Passenger “Let her go” acoustic and playing Spades on my phone but people want to bother me. I just want to be left the fuck alone if I wanted to talk to you I would. I am trying to accomplish small things and making myself feel better. I struggle a lot with everything and I don’t want to be bothered I need calm down time all the time.

Later on we made an amazing supper and watched “The Incredibles 2” Which was an awesome movie. It was great time to spend with those two and I wish everyday could be as fun as it is today. Moods still suck but moments with them make it better.

Long showers loud music deep thoughts

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Here we go again with most entries it was a long day but I had a voucher for something in a coffee shop and I got a milkshake!!! It was delicious and definitely made my moods better there is just something about chocolate. I came home from work at junk food took a long hot shower which involved watching YouTube videos and wish I could create my own channel but there are particular reasons I can’t which sucks. My moods are how they are in every other post I feel like they suck. I want to know when this fucking mood swing will end. I want to talk to my best friend but she is going through something and I don’t want to bother her she understands this shit and gives good advice. I will try to work my way through it though it just takes time.

Nothing builds self esteem and self confidence like accomplishments

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JANUARY IS OVER!!!! It feels like there were 3423234 days in January but now it is done. I can’t wait to post my finals for numbers in January. My moods aren’t any better the man is talking but dammit I accomplished goals I set for myself and I kept up with my daily emotions for ALL of January!! I am so damn proud of myself. Small victories sometimes are the best victories. This is my big win for the day!!!

You have to let go of your past

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Today I went with Wayne to pick up a truck and we had to go to Lawrenceville. I despise Lawrenceville and for a good reason, that is where Summit Ridge is located. The damn psychiatric facility I was involuntarily held. I start to shake just thinking about that place a glorified hell hole which I felt like I would never escape from. The entire way there I stared at landmarks I remember staring at on my way to follow up visits which Lexapro was shoved down my throat (not literally but you get it) When I was finally discharged from that disgusting piece of shit they made me think that if I didn’t schedule follow up visits they would put me back in. I hated driving there to talk to the psychiatrist who makes his money working for the hospital and his private practice out of the hospital as well (he was profiting way too much fucking peoples head up.) When we were driving I could tell you where everything was and where the road was to turn on to the hospital when we passed it I got chills. I never want to be anywhere near that place. Wayne told me I need to let go of that because it was almost 6 years ago and he is probably right but it is hard to let go of it is what started this mental health journey. I want to never forget where I stood to where I am now and everything in between again this when I need a therapist.

We stopped to eat on the way back and he told me he was going to sell his truck and that was the first truck he ever bought, it isn’t currently running but it broke my heart because he told our daughter she could have it and fix it up. I was able to talk him out of it and we got our financial situation handled the best we can right now. I am just glad he isn’t selling his truck.

Moods suck dreams suck this trip didn’t help anything.

No charge bro, you got enough problems

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I am off today and it is cold and raining. I am glad Wayne is home with me because snuggles and Netflix are the best. I spoke too soon about those dreams they went back to shit last night. It was nice while it lasted. The dreams are a new thing for the past 6 months or so. I’ve never really had this problem before and no medication is working so that sucks. The therapist was a dumb bitch who I will never talk to again. She lied about how much I was supposed to pay for a co-pay and when I told her she was wrong she got pissed off but I ended up making her cry. My insurance sent me an EOB which said I owed her $15 not $70 or $75 which she kept changing back and forth. I emailed and texted it to her but I never got a response (I wonder why) I am stressed about not having a therapist because I need help but I want to find someone who isn’t an idiot and can actually deal with me. My job offers this 3 free visits for counseling if you need it but I never qualify because my problems “exceed” the 3 free visits which I find to be hilarious. The search is back on for a decent therapist.

Today we also ended up seeing an Optometrist because Wayne had sawdust and wood stuck under his eyelid and we tried every method we could think of to get it out of his eye without spending money but it didn’t work. He is so accident prone he needs to wrapped in bubble wrap all the time. I still love spending time with him. He makes my moods better. I just need to bring him with me everywhere I go.

Weekly Update 18

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  • No diet
  • No caffeine
  • No soda
  • Monthly goals are exceeding expectations
  • The man is still hanging around
  • Mood swings have not stopped
  • Stress is killing me
  • I may have an opportunity to get bigger with a very important highly talked about mental health blogger.
  • I need more sleep
  • The man is a dick and he won’t go away
    Gratitude journal is actually helping to keep up with my moods
    It’s almost time for a monthly overview and I’m so excited.
    Always check for backdated post. I also post them on my Instagram so go check it out
    I wish the weather would improve so I can walk or attempt to exercise. Someone told me that what encourages them to work out is how good they feel afterwards. I need to remember that.
    Bipolar Chronicles are coming along nicely.
    The thing about mood swings is I become super creative.
    I’ve started hard back on my book. I want to get part of it finished so I can publish it.
    There might be podcast coming soon so stayed tuned for that.

When you wake up from sleeping feeling refreshed and happy.

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IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!! I went to sleep last night and woke up laughing more than once from a dream I had. I wish I could remember what it was about but I can’t tell you when the last time this happened. I actually got some fucking sleep!!! Who knew it was even possible?!? My mood has improved just a little bit but it is better than nothing right? The one thing I will say about these mood swings is I am extremely creative and writing is coming very easy to me and I am getting a lot of that accomplished. Let’s hope this trend continues.

There is no future. There is no past. I live each moment as my last.

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The days feel like they drag on for hours and it is almost never ending torture since my moods are horrible. I just want to lay in bed under the covers and hide from everyone, that sounds amazing. I did have fun with Wayne today, we went to Madison to Wal-Mart to go grocery shopping and he was in a good mood. Those good moods aren’t happening as often so I try to soak it up when he’s having them. I wish I could do something to make him feel better about our money situation. It is just temporary because for both of us March picks up and we are extremely busy. I get why he is bummed but I do not give advice because I mentally can’t understand some of these emotions because I deal with them and it doesn’t make sense to me so I can’t help other people with something even I can’t understand. When we got home today I forgot RENT was live on TV. That made me so happy I love RENT and I’ve seen it performed at the Classic Center in Athens twice. I would love to see it performed on Broadway at the end they had the original cast from the Broadway performance sing with the cast and it brought tears to my eyes. It was absolutely perfect. It was a great way to end my day just hope the man leaves soon and my moods start to shift. It hasn’t happened yet but I am hopeful.

Life is a series of thousands of tiny miracles. NOTICE THEM!

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I came home from another long day, my moods are getting noticeably worse and the man is not letting up anytime soon. My dreams feel like panic attacks and I am constantly waking up scared and confused the man isn’t helping anything. When I got home from work Wayne and I went and got salads for supper and talked about the future and it makes me happy because that means there will be moments again when I don’t feel like this anymore and I am able to feel like a semi normal person. I just hope it happens soon. This is unnecessary stress.