Tag: love

Bipolar Chronicles- Psychosis (The man that lives at the edge of my bed.)

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Hello psychosis my old friend. You are a pain in the ass and I wish you would go away but you are always nearby. You take many different shapes and forms depending on what is happening but your favorite is The Man. I’ve talked about The Man some he is the one who watches me sleep and even though people don’t think he is real, he is real to me and he is not a kind or a spirit to help guide me on my path like therapist want to tell me. He is what nightmares of made of and even when I’m medicated he is still there maybe not talking to me but he is watching me all the time. He is always there and they keep adjusting medicine hoping it makes a difference but it doesn’t and maybe therapy will help but they always want to say that he is a positive entity if I allow him to be, but he isn’t positive and never will be for you to tell me to look at him and think positive thoughts proves to me you’ve never dealt with something like this before and you are not qualified to do your job. I don’t handle people well that claim they can treat mental health but have 0 clue on what the fuck I am actually talking about again why I don’t like therapist but back to the man. When I get really bad he follows me outside the bedroom and he controls part of my mind. They tell me that these delusions and hallucinations are because of my medicine but it happened without my medicine and it is usually worse without medication. He tells me not to take my medicine and how everyone is trying to control me and I need to break free from everyone he also tells me I don’t need my meds. It’s weird because he looks like Slenderman (he was here before slenderman was a thing.)  I don’t understand how anyone could say anything positive about him especially that he is a guide here to help me. He’s hanging around again and as much as I try to avoid him he is getting worse and I can hear him talking to me. I know that skipping time is part of what happens with him and what started out to be 45 minutes a day is more than hour now. Skipping time is the start to usually a very long and self destructing path. We haven’t really dealt with it without me self medicating so I don’t know how or what we are going to do to help combat it.

Weekly Update 17

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  • NO SODAS!!! YAY!!
  • CAFFEINE COMING OFF OF IT NOW
  • PLEASE CHECK FOR BACK DATED ENTRIES AGAIN
  • DAILY LIFE ENTRIES (THIS IS WHAT IS BACK DATED)
  • SOMETIMES I WANT TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS
  • BIPOLAR CHRONICLES- WORK IN PROGRESS
  • I AM FORCING MYSELF TO WRITE EVEN WHEN I DON’T TO
  • IF I KEEP LETTING MY ILLNESS WIN I WON’T EVER MAKE PROGRESS
  • I AM WORKING ON MY BOOK AGAIN (YAY! GO ME)
  • ARE YOU ANNOYED WITH THE ALL CAPS? I AM TOO BUT IT REQUIRES MORE EFFORT THAN I AM WILLING TO DO.
  • I FEEL LIKE I AM ALWAYS TIRED
  • I AM SKIPPING TIME WHICH IS EXTREMELY SCARY. I AM TRYING TO FOCUS ON IT BUT I AM HAVING A HARD TIME.
  • I AM SEEING THE MAN AGAIN AND HE IS STARTING TO BECOME MORE OF A FOCAL POINT IN MY LIFE.
  • I NEED TIME TO GET MY MOODS IN CONTROL
  • WHICH MEANS PUSHING AWAY FROM EVERYONE AND ISOLATING MYSELF UNTIL I CAN FIND THE PROBLEM. WHICH IS PART OF THE PROBLEM
  • MY HEADPHONES WILL BE PERMANENTLY ATTACHED FOR AWHILE.
  • THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE OF MY POST MAY NOT MAKE A LOT OF DENSE

You are far too smart to be the only thing standing in your way.

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I slept way too much today but I was so tired and my dreams kept me up. The man is in my dreams now and I am trying to control it so he won’t be but I don’t know how or if I can even kick him out. I don’t like napping during the day it makes me feel bad but I couldn’t help it. I purposely try to forget my dreams that way they don’t follow me all day. I can keep putting on a happy face for as long as possible but that doesn’t mean anything. I am still hiding all of it. I am just trying my best to get through this and be okay. I just want to be okay. I am happy for things like family time, rice krispie treats, grilled cheese, pizza, Frozen and Tangled. That made the night perfect and that made the man go away for awhile.

He is getting almost to size and I am starting to see things.

I know it is hard but keep trying.

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Today was a good day even though I was so tired again. Wayne and I ended up spending the day together and he was in a better mood than he had been in for awhile. He sat watched movies and talked for awhile. It felt good that we were both in a good mood around each other. I haven’t really talked to him much about what is going on with me because he already has so much on his plate, I don’t want to add this stress to it. I’ve dealt with it before right? I can do it again by myself without medication. How hard can it be? The man is around and he is almost at full size. He isn’t talking but he follows me around more. I am trying to ignore him. Wayne and I scratched up money and got some lottery tickets today and then sat in the sun room with the door open enjoying the weather and talking. Those are the things I can do to make the man go away. He doesn’t like it when I am around people he tries to keep me away by saying things about them, but we haven’t got that far. I am really trying to make him go away now.

Some people need a little space when they are hurting and other need a hand to hold . Be what they need.

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The lows are hitting the bottom of the barrel and everything hurts I mean EVERYTHING!!!! I don’t want to do anything but sleep. That is all I want to do even though I know it won’t make anything better. I feel like I am getting the flu but it is my mental health slowly deteriorating. Here is the part about this that is awesome and sucks when I get like this I am extremely creative, have so many ideas and I can write for hours (though after awhile it stops making sense) It sucks to be stuck in this situation. I want to be creative without going through the mental health phases. It is like moon phases but not as cool and a lot more spastic. I am reminded of the asteroid in Armageddon jagged, cold, unpredictable, slowly breaking apart and destroying everything in it’s path. I know people want to hear more about my illness and trust me with this you will have plenty of time to hear ALL ABOUT IT.

ALL I WANT IS A HUG.

THE MAN IS AROUND GROWING TRYING TO CAUSE PROBLEMS.

Headphones: A socially acceptable “I’m ignoring you” device

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I’ve learned headphones save every social situation and today was no different. I sat with my headphones on eating pepperonis, drinking orange juice and listening to Gracie Davies on my phone. I had an ok day today of course getting home to family was the best. I don’t have much to say about anything else. I’ve been lost in thought all day.

The man is still around not talking.

Happiness is homemade

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Today just wouldn’t end fast enough. Wayne and I discussed the salads we had last night and wanted to recreate them. I think last night was good for us. We are getting along better now. There are always hard times in relationships and we’ve been through our fair share but it never makes it any easier. We are making it through and me finally being in a right mind (sort of) I am able to comprehend (somewhat) what is going on around me. I know it kind be easy handling everything with me and trying to fight your own battles, but I am trying to use the knowledge of everything I’ve been through to help him if he will let me help him. He had a deacons meeting tonight and I had some time to myself and all I wanted was them. They are all I want all the time now which can be hard because they are my comfort level. I don’t like when these things are going on to be outside my comfort level so it makes everything else feel almost impossible.

The man isn’t vocal but he is hanging around more. I really want him to go away.

Bipolar Chronicles- marriage

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Marriage is complicated, all relationships are complicated but marriage/relationships with mental health feel impossible. I know I talk about my husband all the time and how wonderful he is but our marriage is hard and our relationship is messy. He has trust issues with me not because I never cheated but because I’ve lied about money, caffeine, medicine, my moods so it makes it hard for him To trust me but it also means he worries all the time. I can’t imagine dealing with me all the time I don’t want to deal with me majority of the time and I have to.

We got in a fight the other night because I had Starbucks double shot energy drinks hidden in a drawer. I lost the will to fight against it and I had two on different days but hid them in the drawer. I hid them because I promised I would do better and not drink energy drinks anymore. I lied about not drinking them and what hurts worse than someone being mad at you is someone being disappointed in you. When someone says they are disappointed in you your heart breaks completely. I couldn’t sleep I kept waking up and wanting to talk it out with him. I wanted to make it all better by everything I said kept making it worse. All I did was dig myself deeper in a hole that I wouldn’t be able to get out of. I just wanted him to forgive me for yet another fuck up and I know everyone will say people make mistakes I just make the same damn one over and over again. He just got to where he could trust me to be responsible again and I did this. I could’ve talked to him and should’ve talked to him about it instead of giving in. Caffeine for me is an addiction no it isn’t as strong as drugs or the benzos but it’s a dangerous habit that can cause horrible consequences. I understand why he is mad and I don’t know how to fix it. I also don’t know how many more fuck ups I have before he says enough is enough. Sometimes I hate this illness so much I wish I could make it go away.

Fuck my life I don’t know how to fix it.