I have to work today which means editing will happen on my lunch break and when I get off work if I have time. I didn’t get much sleep last night which is weird because I didn’t want to sleep but then I was exhausted this morning. I think my brain is in overdrive right now so it doesn’t know what it wants. I can’t turn it off even if I wanted to… this is one of those times that anything you use to calm you down becomes useful. It used to be writing in my book (the rest of it not what I am currently editing.) but with me editing and trying to push myself to publish I can’t write on the other part because I automatically turn back to editing. I try my journal but that reminds me of how far behind I am on posts and looking at my stats which makes me sad because it means I am not reaching you guys the way I want to.

I’ve learned to force myself to write everyday even if I have nothing to write about just starting typing and see what you come up with. I do that in my journal sometimes I always have a ton of things that happened but my brain is foggy and overworked it can’t focus on something. Writing helps me decompress. What helps you?

Today I spent all day editing my book. I decided to dedicate my entire day to editing my book. I am trying to make sure it is exactly what I wanted and I figured something out. I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY!! I keep finding reasons to change something or add this and take this out but I need to be sure of myself. I will say this upswing is useful for editing purposes I need to hyper focus any extra energy I have but it is like this energy is catching my body up to the rest of me. I’ve had no energy for so long I think my body is like FUCK FINALLY! YOU TOOK A WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE…. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HORRORS SHE’S DONE. I actually said that out loud as I was typing it in an odd voice and everything. I am strange and need a break from myself. WTF!! Book editing shall continue and the mood is being monitored closely.

Today is my first of 3 days off and I am working on getting my book completed. I have to catch up on everything so I can focus on the book. Wayne is off work early today so we get to spend some time together. I have so much to do and not enough energy to complete any of it. I have new pens and journal and I can’t believe I am almost finished with this one. I get paid this week (happy dance) to bad most of it is spoken for. I want to get my Facebook page up and going. My moods are starting to fluctuate which is not good. I know that I’ve dealt with the depression but if an upswing is coming that is dangerous. We will see what happens. I have to stick with everything I am doing even with mood changes. My creative screwed up brain is a blessing and curse super cliche right??

I was supposed to have a doctors appointment today but I cancelled it. Yep not ready to see him right now.

The Monday excitement of having the next two days off as started and 3:00 won’t get here fast enough. Someone I am close to and love is leaving and they are having a going away party for them today and I can’t bring myself to go. I know comments will be made that they are so close and she couldn’t bother to show up but fuck people. It is so hard for me to socialize sometimes especially since I have to at work. I am exhausted and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I wanted to go but I couldn’t do it I just couldn’t. I feel like my depression is getting better and if I force myself into a situation that I’m not ready for it will get bad again. I am trying to win this fight in my mind and sometimes it requires you to be a little selfish. I just want to smile again.

FUCKING TIME CHANGE!!!!

I had so much fun last night but I am exhausted. I am definitely paying for it today. I can barely keep my eyes open. I did not get much sleep last night and with no help from my old friend caffeine it looks like I won’t have much energy today. I wouldn’t change yesterday for anything but I also need to work on damn impulsive version of me. Dam you brain and your bad decisions. You knew the time change happened but you didn’t care. What am I going to do with you. Good job dumbass. I will be so happy when I am done at work and can go back home to sleep. Hopefully my body is tired and sick of my shit and says nope we are sleeping. I wonder if I listen to Samuel L. Jackson read Go the fuck to sleep it would help.

I am still not sleeping well. My dreams are horrible and at this point I am about to give up on ever sleeping like a normal person. These dreams are starting to fuck up my head and I’m seeing shit that I shouldn’t be. I made it through work and couldn’t wait to leave so I could spend time with Wayne and our daughter. We went to Athens so Wayne could get his haircut but he couldn’t but we still went to Woks Up ate stir fry went to Guitar Center and Planet Smoothie. We finished the evening shopping at Hobby Lobby. I love Hobby Lobby they always have things on clearance. We are redecorating the house and I finally feel like redecorating. I used to love decorating but. I had a baby lost myself so I haven’t really started it again. I am excited to start again. This is our house and will always be our house. I am excited to give it some much needed improvements, but by far the greatest part of the evening is laughing and being with them. They are mood improvements. I have to be at work super early in the morning but I don’t care. I would change this for anything in the world.

I wrote about this twice already but since it isn’t my daily post I will add to it. I didn’t sleep last night. I kept dreaming and every time I would wake up I went back to sleep thinking it was over but nope it kept going from where it left off. I even got up got something to drink watched something on my phone that was happy and went back to sleep and it still happened. I don’t get where these fucking nightmares are coming from and I really wish they would go the fuck away. I am so sick of having this problem and not being able to sleep. I can’t talk about it with people because the one up asshat will make it all about her again. I am also not allowed to really talk about it with certain people because it makes them uncomfortable. It is amazing to be me sometimes. I am exhausted and I’m overworking my body just to function. There is only so much my body can handle and my mind is slowly killing it.

The good thing was I left work early and went to DQ with Wayne for lunch and we sat and talked for the longest time. He always knows how to make me feel better. We talked about my dreams and how to handle it and he told me he was proud of me for not going back to old habits and talking about it but not letting it take me over. I love talking to him be makes life better. 🖤

Today sucked. My dreams are constantly getting worse and I am so tired I want to stab someone. I wouldn’t actually stab anyone because I don’t want to go to jail but people make it really difficult not to unleash the evil that is hidden deep in my soul. I can’t with stupid people…I just can’t. Why is it that someone always tries to one up you. I can’t talk to people about my illness or lack of sleep because they are always trying to one up you. It looks like this…

Asshat: How are you?
Me: I am tired. I’ve having a hard time….”
Asshat: “Girl I know I only slept for 5 hours last night. I was tossing and turning it is so hard to get a good night sleep.”
Me:…….
Asshat: How hard could it be for you to sleep? You take medicine don’t you? Oh I just started taking melatonin I’m sure it is stronger than your medicine why don’t you take it.
Me: Suck my dick…… and walked away.

True story.

My moods suck and so do people. Why can’t I live in a secluded bubble in the middle of nowhere? People suck.