I haven’t showered in 3 days and even though it is extremely cold and it is the very last thing I want to do I am going to shower even if it means forcing myself to do it. This also means I will lay in a tub and stare at a wall for 15 minutes before I actually get up and shower. I will spend 15 minutes trying to clear my head before I shower and hope that it makes some sort of difference in my thoughts. I’ve even forced myself to do things including work on my blog which is something that I love doing. I have no energy and I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything. I want to feel something right now…..just anything…..

Now that I’ve admitted and accepted my depression for what it is I need to work through it. How do I do this? No one knows I just figure it out as it goes which isn’t the best idea but it is all I got right now. I feel nothing I am just a void holding up space meant to be used for a greater purpose. Yes you can feel this way without being suicidal so I am not a danger to myself or others. You can think about the space you are taking up without being suicidal. I think that is one of the biggest misconception about depression and suicide. You can deal with each one individually or together either way is not good. That is the problem though I can’t openly talk about these things because people automatically think I am suicidal and then I am this damsel in distress that everyone needs to save when in actuality I just want to talk about it. I want to talk about feeling like a burden or what it would mean to no longer deal with this and mean it in a healthy way because you can talk about suicide and depression in a way that is healthy. We have to be able to say things because holding it in only makes it worse. So yes I’ve stared at a hole in the wall wondering what it would be like to fill that hole if I could not be here anymore. If it meant that I could feel something and not be so numb to all of my feelings what would that feel like? I can say it and say I am not fucking suicidal. I just want to say it dammit. I want to openly say that I’ve stared at a bottle of pills thinking what if but never with the intention of doing it just the thought of it. I’ve never been diagnosed with suicidal ideation and I don’t feel like it fits in this category.

I look at my husband and my daughter and it makes me mad all the time I wasted trying to escape them and this life I had that I thought was so terrible. It makes me mad that this illness took time from me. It took years from me that I will never get back it took memories I will never remember because of this shit and no I don’t want to die but I just want to openly talk about the feeling without being shamed.

Guess what?!?! I am depressed. I’ve avoided saying it by using words like low, no energy it is time I just used the fucking word d-e-p-r-e-s-s-e-d just defuckingpressed. I have no emotions. I can pretend like I do and smile in your face but I am actually empty inside. I can stare at the same dot on the wall for an hour and not even realize I am doing it. I love when people say things to me like “you don’t smile much anymore.” “you always look sad.” “Why aren’t you talking to me anymore?” “Did I make you mad?” “You are so emotional and dramatic.” You get the point. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t afford to be out of work and even though I am listed as having a disability what assistance do I actually get. It is so hard with mental health to ask for what you want or need to people who may not always understand.

I would really like to feel something anything but I have nothing I am just empty.

YEP. FUCK ANXIETY!! I am so tired of this shit and it happened again. I wake up completely panicked AGAIN!! I am so tired of this shit. I am starting to realize that this is just my life now. My sleep will continue to be fucked and my anxiety will never CALM down. I am trying to explain to anyone what I am going through but I keep getting stares and the look. You know the look that you are begging for attention even though you are falling apart inside and no one understands. All I can do is wait it out. I feel like I am going over the edge and no one knows what is happening around me. Fuck this damn anxiety it is a gateway into everything else that starts to happen.

My daughter has DPA today and there is something about going to Rock Eagle brings back so many memories and it soothes me. I remember when I was in 7th grade and I was obsessed with Wayne (he wasn’t smart enough to realize how awesome I was back then.) I walked around almost the entire camp listening to “It’s your love” by Tim McGraw and “(Everything I do) I do it for you” by Bryan Adams. I have so many amazing memories from middle and high school years here. I watched her nervously stand up and give her presentation and even though she didn’t place I am proud of her for getting out there and trying. We had so much fun though watching the performing arts which is my favorite category and a fun lunch together. We had a great day and for a little while I forgot the shit I’m dealing with.

I am so glad I am off tomorrow. My daughter has DPA with 4H and I am trying to work my way through this mood swing so I can be a supportive normal parent. My moods have made it extremely difficult to do anything right now. I am trying so hard to be a person I don’t know how to be and trying to be that person is killing me. If I am me again what will happen if I start to fall? Can I handle it if it happens again? How do I do this after everything I’ve been through and I don’t know if I can do it again completely sober with help and not secretly imploding. I am trying even though it is extremely hard to do.

Today was Valentines Day and even though I had to work it was still a great evening. I surprised my daughter with a bath bomb and new hairbands and for my hubby BEER!! I also got an amazing Valentines dinner which was Pizza Hut. The more Wayne and I talk about money the better he feels and the better I feel about everything. He was so relaxed this evening which I love. I felt like shit all day today but I stayed because we need the money and going home will do nothing but make it worse. I am still working through these fucking mood swings. I wish I had more energy but still even without a lot of money we had an amazing evening. I feel like the older you get the less it is about presents and the more it is about spending quality time together. I would rather have an entire day of uninterrupted time with my husband and my daughter then any present you could ever give me.

Today was a long day and my back is killing me. I had to go to Greensboro Tire for what seemed like hours to get my tire patched. I managed to find a private room so I was able to listen to my headphones and write, but all I did was try and comfortable and all I want to do is lay down with a heating pad. I got nothing else accomplished but it makes me feel a little bit better, these mood swings are killing me.

Today was one of the best days I’ve had un awhile. Wayne and I went grocery shopping today. We went to Woks Up had some amazing food and then to Planet Smoothie to have some amazing smoothies. We watched the bottom fall out of the sky and it pouring rain. I find something so relaxing about the rain. After we got home we made an assembly line for the groceries in the pouring rain. It was so fun and unorganized. Wayne had a city council meeting so my daughter and I watched Bob’s Burgers. It was a good day. The rest of the world maybe falling apart but this time with them is perfect.

My day couldn’t/wouldn’t end fast enough. If you can notice I am going to talk about the same thing for awhile so if it seems repetitive it kind of is. I’ve lost all focus and attention to any detail for anything. I want to go back home and go back to bed between the dreams, thoughts, emotional tornado I am in everyday feels worse than the one before. I got to keep up the fight and make it through this mood swing. It almost feels impossible to come up for air.

I am worried about my blog and Instagram because someone who likes stirring the pot of shit is trying me and my patience. I am not in the mood to be fucked with and will show you no mercy if you come at me. I am sure you are reading this trying to find some fucked up thing I said against me so go ahead tell them I was talking about you…. if you can prove it was you I was talking about or the situation it involves where it is occurring because it sounds like you are grasping for straws to use this against me. So if you decide to use this one against me please make sure you add the part where I tell you to suck my dick. Thanks bitch