Tag: schizophrenia

🖤 Day 21 🖤 Something I miss (without making me cringe later)

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I am going to try and keep this from something I will read later and cringe because I took myself too seriously. These are in no particular order:

🖤 Living in Athens- After my husband and I graduated high school we moved to Athens. Athens, Georgia is a big city compared to where we came from so moving there was awesome. I wish things didn’t happen the way they did, but we had some good times. Our first New Years Eve in Athens I “bought” some of this horrible cheap champagne at Kroger when I got off work. They marked it down and forgot to make sure when it rang up that it would prompt for your age. I have other memories from New Years Eve at Kroger but we won’t get into those. We tried to drink it but it was horrible. I miss being that close to everything and not having all the responsibilities we have now. We lived in an apartment complex and paid $420 a month for a one bedroom apartment with a balcony. The complex had 2 pools and all kinds of amenities even though the laundry situation wasn’t the greatest we loved it. That freedom and the amount of money we wasted.

🖤 Band- I was definitely a band geek and damn proud. I played most woodwind instruments, piano (self taught) and drum line for awhile. I always wanted to go to Juilliard but life had different plans. I wish I took it seriously because I was always told that I had natural talent. I plan on buying a keyboard one day and teaching my daughter how to play. Music has always relaxed me and with her anxiety I think learning to play would be good for her. I told her if she can type with two hands she can play piano. (Sometimes when I am typing I pretend like I am playing the keyboard. I know I am weird.)

🖤 Dead family members- I didn’t know a better way to say this but you know we always take our grandparents/ parents for granted. I wish I paid better attention to the stories they told, took more pictures, had more home movies. I was an 80’s baby so the video cameras then were as big as a laptop now. We have old movies from when I was younger and a good bit of pictures. My mom moved a lot when she was younger so they lost stuff and she didn’t have as many pictures from her childhood so her mission was to make sure we had pictures from everything. I do that for my daughter and my husband. His uncle was the only person in his family to really take any pictures of them but whenever my daughter is around her grandad. I make sure to get those pictures he is in his 70’s and while I hope for her he lives to be 100 he is almost a 2 pack a day guy. Those are pictures she will cherish one day because she loves her grandad more than anyone else in the family I think. I would go back in time and record some of those stories by the fire.

🖤 Friends- We grow up and out grow our friends it isn’t a negative thing it just happens that way sometimes not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever. I lost some friends because of my illness and I wish I could take it all back but I can’t and it makes me sad sometimes because I lost some very special people in my life and if they are reading this right now all I can say is it was my fault and I am sorry. I hope one day some of you come back in my life because you were extremely special to me to the others yeah… I don’t give a fuck and I’m glad you are gone.

🖤 My daughter- I don’t remember a lot about my daughter when she was a baby or a toddler. My illness and prescription problems kind of started around then. I can’t remember when she started walking or talking. I can’t remember much of it and I try to avoid when she asks me certain questions because I can’t remember and I am one of those parents who didn’t finish the baby book. My memory is getting worse so if something does pop up in my mind I make sure to write it down. I want her to have things to show her children one day if she has any or for her to keep.

This is as sappy as I want to get for now.

Anxiety Coloring

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Props to the people who can actually keep their hands steady enough to color. I call bullshit on most of those anxiety coloring books. My anxiety looks like broken melted crayons soaked in sweat anger and tears. I don’t have a first thought of my anxiety bad so I’m just going to color.I just don’t think it is relaxing or feasible in a situation where your anxiety is peaking. I start to spazz out rather quickly so maybe it is just me with that problem. I tried one time to work on a coloring book and all I wanted to do was rip the pages out. This is kind of like those fidget spinners even though they were made with the best of intentions people have kind of gone overboard with them. They are for people who want to say “anxiety” or “ADD/ADHD” but they just wanted to be part of a fad.

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🖤Day 20🖤 Where will I be in 10 years?

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I hope to have many accomplishments in the next 10 years my biggest thing is to still be alive. Surviving this illness is it’s own accomplishment so is being sober. I want to start there and from this point I want my blog to be an outlet to my book. I am hoping to finish the last of the series. It would be nice to have a good bit of money but beginning to leave my mark on the world is more important. I hope in 10 years to make an impact on the mental health community. I want to make a change for us and for the government and society to understand that we matter and our quality of life matters.

🖤Day 19🖤 – My worst habits

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This is a fairly easy one.

Picking- I have this one spot on my forehead I pick when I start to get upset or anxious. I guess it is kind of like biting your nails. I keep my nails really short so I don’t bite them.

Biting my lip and cheek- I have scars from biting them both. It isn’t a little nibble it is the same as chewing food. This is from anxiety. It is how I attempt to calm myself down without hurting myself badly.

Yawning- I yawn when I’m in uncomfortable situations. I make myself yawn. I don’t know why I do it is just a habit I have. I think it is to keep my mouth from talking and saying something I shouldn’t.

Interrupting people- When I’m on an up swing it is really bad. I’m easily irritable and if I think you are being too self centered I will just make you stop talking. If you are annoying in general I will cut you off or just walk away

Facial Expressions (RBC) – My face can keep no secrets. My husband gets onto me about this when we are at church or something for the city and people are talking to me. I just have this look that usually says shut up or I don’t care. When he nudges me I realize that I have went into a daze and stopped listening.

Swearing- Swearing to me is as normal saying the or they. It is a normal part of my vocabulary, I don’t even realize that I am swearing sometimes until someone points it out. There are swears then there are dirty words I try to avoid unless I am around certain people.

Bubble- Whenever I get really stressed out and need an escape I go to my book. I can live in my book and the scenarios I can resolve and parts I can enjoy. This causes me to lose touch with reality and get off schedule.

Knuckle popping- I think a lot of people have this problem. I love to crack my knuckles, pop my fingers or my jaw. I’ve heard it isn’t good for you but I love doing it.

Screenshots- I don’t know if this is necessary a bad habit but I will screenshot anything. If you want to come with something you better have your receipts to prove it. I enjoy screenshots even if I can’t read all of it then I can read it later if someone deletes it.

My phone- I have an extremely bad habit with my phone especially if people are talking to me. I constantly check it and if I am on messenger with my husband just stop talking.

🖤 Day 18🖤 What am I afraid of…..

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Things that scare me:

Psych hospital- I think once you’ve been to psych the idea of going back to psych scares you. It makes you overly cautious of what you say and do wondering how close you are to getting booty juiced again. When you are in hospital the world is working without you and when you come back out you forget where you fit in.

Relapsing- Everyone who struggles with any sort of addiction will tell you relapse is terrifying. You constantly think about your triggers and watch everything around you. It also sucks because you have to watch your actions among other people. People who may drag you down to where they are. It’s a never ending cycle.

Losing my husband and daughter- will I fuck up with the stuff above and that be his breaking point with me.

Suicide- What if it gets bad again and I’ve used up all of my 9 lives and this time it works.

My daughter being like me- I don’t want her to ever be like me, go through what I’ve been through. We know more now then we knew back then so we are better off but I know how much is heredity and it terrifies me.

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

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I’m trying to eat lunch. I really am even though my body disagrees and it feels like I’m forcing it down. I have salmon for lunch and I love salmon but every bite I take makes me feel like I’m going to vomit. I am trying to force the rest of me to believe that I need to eat. It is hard to force myself and maybe I shouldn’t but I know I will feel sick later if I don’t….I mean I will feel sick no matter what but it’s worse when I don’t eat. I want to crawl into bed and go back to sleep and maybe I will sleep for a little while without the dreams coming back. The dreams are almost unbearable and I don’t want to call my doctor because I’m scared of the inpatient conversation. My husband says I sleep like a rock, but it feels like I sleep in 45 minute intervals waking up constantly confused and upset. My moods wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the dreams. I have to call him I know I do. I tried the increase of Seroquel like he told me to do but it isn’t helping. I just want to stop dreaming. It only manifests to my anxiety and makes my anxiety worse and then I don’t sleep. My dreams aren’t useful and problem solving just a nuisance.

I called my doctor about my dreams and they are supposed to call me back but they didn’t. I appreciate my husband for making supper but I can’t eat still. I’m just not up to it. I am scared to go to bed tonight I’m scared of what I am going to see. I’ll try to keep up on my issues as they unfold and what works and doesn’t work. It reminds me of a prayer I was taught as a child.

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

It is kind of cryptic but right now feels true.

A crushed lemonade can to explain my day and an apology to my daughter for a disease I can’t always control.

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Yesterday I didn’t post because my moods are to the extremes that cause damage. I was at home all day today waiting on my direct deposit to come in and I kept checking and it didn’t come through. I called and after an extended hold time I was told there was a problem in their system so the paychecks are backdated. This just escalated my mood. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I paced around the house screaming there is a period I can’t remember but I started crushing cans with my hands to keep from trashing the rest of the house. I yelled at my daughter which is what I feel worst about. It wasn’t her fault that I didn’t have the money to buy cat food, dog food, or kitty litter. She was just asking if I bought any so she could clean it out. (This is part of chore list.) and I started screaming at her. I don’t know what I said to her but the damage was done so there is no point trying to remember. What I said was out of anger and moods I can’t control. She cried and all I could say was to suck it up and quit being a baby. I wasn’t a comforting or a good mother. She apologizes to me for making me upset and she was just trying to help. It didn’t matter I was so angry nothing would calm me down….except my husband and even that isn’t a guarantee. I called him and after much argument with him and me screaming he begins the process of stopping the progress of an escalation that would end up in me blacking out and running out of the house.

When he gets home we do our usual. I scream at him that I’m okay until he gets me to shut up turns the fan on in the bedroom and turns off the light and says, “You need to calm the fuck down now.” Which means it’s really bad and the black out moments have already started. I scream more before reluctantly agreeing. (He threatened to make me go stay with my mother again and (doing that once was more than enough for me.) I’m not myself, but I’m not giving you pills. (That is the next step me begging for medication.) We go through the are you high steps.

After awhile I calm down some and it is time for the apologies. (This is usually for what I can remember.) My sweet daughter had been crying the entire time, but when I apologize she hugs me crying and says, “Mama I love you and it’s okay I’m used to it.” Those words hurt…they hurt more than I could ever explain. She should never be used to it. I thought I got better and wasn’t like that as much, but I apparently not paying attention to how much damage I’ve caused or still causing. She also asked, “When I get older am I going to get mad like you do?” My heart hurts. I guess need to start saving up for therapy now because in her 11 years of life I’ve completely fucked up as a parent.

So I crushed lemonade cans to deal with my anger that I thought I was controlling but it escalated again and I’m sitting on the other side realizing the everlasting damage I’ve done.

Sometimes I think it’s easier to not be here and give her a chance to not be completely fucked by everything I’ve done to her.

🖤 Day 16 🖤 My dream job

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If you haven’t kept up with anything to this point, my dream job is to be a writer. I wrote a story when I was 4 years old about why people shouldn’t do drugs. (I probably need to go back and read that again.) I wrote a lot of poetry over the years and long winded stories about some dramatic incident I made up in my head or something I was going through I needed to work on. There was always something to keep my interest. When I was 13 my mom bought a Brothers computer (Yeah how many people remember those.) It had no internet because there was none a few applications everything was in black and white, Tetris and a word processor. I had a stack of floppy disk with different color labels and secret word combinations so my mom wouldn’t know what was on them. I also password protected all of them and could still not tell you what the password was. This is where my dream of writing started. I would write a ton of different stories that I never finished, but I had a desk and computer in my room so officially I was a writer. I always wanted one of those lamps with the green glass on top of it like they had in movies for true professionals. I also had a three ring binder full of poems and stories along with an overflowing amount of notebooks.

When I was 13 or 14 I went to summer camp and brought my old worn out maroon five star binder full of cringeworthy teenage issue poems and one night two girls in my bunk got up and started reading them out loud as a joke. I cried. I took my work so seriously and that ripped my heart out. After that I became completely hidden in my work. I never let people read what I was writing for fear of that happening again. (I tell my daughter that girls are horrible people and it doesn’t get much better as they get older.)

So until now I’ve never really shared my writing. I am happy that I found a following and either you are enjoying it or finding amusement in my bad grammar and my odd content. When I was younger I always dreamed of being in Talk Shows going over the complex issues detailed in my book and I will but you will be the first with a signed copy.

🖤

My struggle with caffeine

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I know in other posts I’ve talked about it briefly but I have bipolar 1 which means I am more prone to manic episodes/behavior so that means caffeine or any uppers are not my friend….. but I LOVE IT!!! People used to warn me that my heart would explode, it is killing my liver and kidneys….. you know the spill. Regardless of myths and popular beliefs you can actually drink 4 20 ounce Redbulls and your heart won’t explode. I did it for weeks and months at a time. I lived off of it which caused mood swings. I would go all day off of nothing but Redbull. There is something about the way it sounds when you cracked it open and the way it smelled. (I want one now) The more I drank the less I would sleep which caused hypomanic and manic phases. I lived off of caffeine for months at a time. For someone like me I walk a tightrope between chaos and brilliance. Feeding my caffeine habit is almost as bad as Xanax. Self medicating with caffeine is a dangerous game.

🖤 Weekly Update 4 🖤

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– The diet is almost none existent at this point. I haven’t walked in awhile but I’ve kind of watched what I’ve been eating, but on the plus side no sodas and really no fast food.

– I am confused about using social media as a blogger/influencer. I keep gaining and losing followers and I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I figure just keep working and it will start to make sense soon.

-I tried to verify myself on Instagram in case I did become someone important.

-I am trying to catch up on my posts but I haven’t felt well lately.

-I have chaos in my life so everything is kind of twisted right now.

-I am in a mood shift but I have no idea where it is going.

-I am trying to keep my Instagram up to date with good content just like my blog.

-I have some funny stories I may tell soon to swap it up.

– I have events happening in our town this week and I don’t socialize well and I really don’t socialize well when I’m in the middle of moods.

-I’m trying to keep up with everything and find good apps to use so if you have any suggestions I would love to know.

-I read where someone said enjoy having a blog with a small following you will miss it one day when it grows. I am thankful for each one of you following and reading as I work on everything.

– See you next week!!!

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