So, if that title confuses you it means my moods aren’t really stable. We will begin with psychosis. The psychosis is currently happening while I’m sleeping which is better than when I’m awake, but that’s like saying a sprained ankle is better than a broke one. I wake up confused and I stay confused for hours at a time. I forget what house I am in, I have large pieces of my day missing. If it involves my husband I trust him to tell me what happened, but then I have to put my faith in others and that is what scares me. People call it negative energy, but it really isn’t. I am scared of what I might say or do so it is easier to not make a personal connection with people. I don’t know how to explain that to people.
I cried yesterday and I couldn’t tell you why. I didn’t post yesterday because I knew it wouldn’t make sense and it might not make sense now. I hate when that happens because then people look at it you strange. I can’t just tell them that I’m bipolar so this is completely normal. I wish I could but I know that remark will come with additional questions and assumptions. People make a lot of assumptions about me most of them are wrong or misguided but they aren’t concerned enough to ask.
My psychosis is pulling the mood down and we are going down quickly. Last year on 9/28/18 I tried to kill myself and was self medicating. I have almost made it a whole year without it and I am still working hard with it, but honestly I am struggling not with self medicating with the other stuff. The memory lapses, confusion, crying, the depression that is coming and knowing I can’t stop it.
I wish I could explain to people how hard it is to deal with this.