Month: November 2018

Grateful Day 16- An animal (Talking Parrot that won’t talk to me)

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When we made an impromptu trip to the beach we stopped at a small souvenir shop and as we were browsing through the sand dollars I heard a squawking and then a hello. My husband turned around and said, “Holy Shit it talks,” We went over and he said hello but then when I turned the camera on of course it stopped talking. I kept repeating myself over and over again and it started flapping its wings and putting his rear end in my face. I thought he was absolutely beautiful and there were a list of things he could say and some swears were on there. He was 22 years old and his name was Bubba. I’ve never really seen a talking parrot before and it was kind of cool.

Photo Day 15 Something warm and my dislike of winter.

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I am not a fan of winter… I mean nothing to do with winter I don’t like being cold and I can’t stand snow and ice. I am from the south so even a threat of snow everything shuts down so winter is not fun. I do like some of things that winter brings like hot chocolate, the holidays, everything with peppermint. I like audio books because I am always going somewhere I don’t have time to sit and read (I also comprehend better this way.) So hot chocolate, fuzzy socks, oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants and a good audio book is a perfect way to spend a day off while I browse the internet and procrastinate updating these damn challenges on my blog.

Grateful Day 15- Technology love my iPad

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I love my iPad probably way too much. I’ve learned how to make it function around my blog. I use it for everything now dealing with my social media. I still can’t believe that I’ve accomplished all of these things in such a short time. I am so excited to see what the next few months bring and my Ipad coming along for the ride. I think I would be lost without it. It has all my information, passwords and everything in between. I probably shouldn’t rely on it as much as I do. What do you love about technology.

Photo Day 14 how makeup changed me. Something on your body

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When I saw this I knew there were several different ways I could go with this and the easiest options were my tattoos, but I’ve talked about them so much I decided to go a different direction and talk about makeup. Last year (early part of this year) makeup played a HUGE role in my life.  At the end of 2016 beginning of 2017 my husband noticed I wasn’t taking care of myself very well. My teeth were horrible and personal hygiene was again lacking he asked why and I remember crying because I just didn’t think I was beautiful and I was self-medicating so much I didn’t honestly care. He asked so nicely I said “Fuck it I’ll try to make him happy. I don’t really care either way.” Then it happened I went on YouTube for makeup tutorials and I was shook. I watched these people who at first I thought these were everyday people explaining makeup (later I find out that they are beauty gurus) but I watched these tutorials and determined that I knew everything so I went to Ulta. When I wore makeup in high school I was boujee and such a basic ass white girl that I only wore Clinique even though it was way too light for my skin and dried my skin so bad. I also didn’t know how to apply it so half of my face wasn’t covered and then I had lines. This just reminded me of another horror story. My husband and I moved away after graduation but came back for next two graduations and I would buy/steal from Walgreens Physicians Formula mosaic pressed powders that really came in 2 colors, Snooki or Oompa Lompa since I went to the tanning bed three times a week I would go with Snooki and even though I was still pale I would cake my face with it just straight in not blending because who gave a shit and I thought I was hot stuff. So now let’s go back to 2017 when teenagers have decided to put more effort into makeup and I walk into Ulta thinking that those shades were like the ones at Wal-Mart (you know, fair, medium, dark…) but they all had numbers and I had no idea what the hell I was doing. It was the first time I purchased makeup in years so I went up and asked one of the ladies to help color match me…that was a mistake. I spent $250 in Ulta and all I bought was concealer, foundation, a palette that had bronzer, highlight and blush, a fucking $50 brush that she told me I could use for E V E R Y T H I N G.  (All of this is Urban Decay) and that stinky ass mist for my face. That was it. She got me good, but then I went to Sephora for lips and brows and that cost another $150. I learned that I like Sephora more. I am in their VIB club and close to the highest membership they have. That should tell you how much money I’ve given them. I did realize after I started wearing makeup and taking care of my skin how much better I felt. I actually got good at it too except for my brows and eye shadow I still can’t blend it out right. I stopped wearing it about April of this year and went in a slump so I never picked it back up but now I think I am again after I give my skin so much needed TLC to prepare it for the damage I will cause it. Yep this went longer than expected and I admitted when I stole from Walgreens….I will wait for the other places…..

Grateful Day 14- Smile (A few of my favorite things)

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I have a list of things that make me smile or laugh when I’m having a bad day because let’s be honest when you deal with an Illness like mine you need everything in your corner. I have a list of YouTube videos I watch regularly. They vary from clips from Family Guy, The Simpson’s to SNL. I have particular SNL skits that I absolutely love and I just think you should know that Kate McKinnon and I should be best friends. ( I mean this in the most non stalker/creepy way) I just think our personalities are similar. So my favorite SNL skits are the encounters. If you haven’t washed they are absolutely hilarious. We all need a list of things that make us smile.

Photo Day 13 Windows that opened my soul

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There are plenty of pictures I can find that I took of windows with beautiful views, but personally this one is my favorite. This is the building where I hosted my first ever event and this is also the first time I really talked about my illness and my struggles. It is very easy to discuss my problems on social media because I am hiding behind a screen, but to standup and say it out loud is a completely different experience. I thought I was open about my illness until I started telling people my story, my addiction issues, hospitalizations they were in shock. This advocating I swore I was doing and spreading my story and information didn’t happen. When I was finished I had people come up to me crying asking me what they could do to help and they didn’t know it was that bad. I hid behind a screen because I thought at onetime sharing information via mental health websites was enough but it wasn’t. I told part of my story and I made a difference. So now I have a blog and social media pages dedicated to my struggles to help get the word spread with everyone. Hopefully a book will come soon with all of it…..(we are hoping anyway.)

Grateful Day 13- color (a rainbow)

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Why pick one color when you can pick a rainbow. I took this picture when my moods were bad, but it makes me happy. I had a horrible day during the summer when I came home my daughter did everything she could make my happy and when she started I instantly felt worse. So instead I started spray painting for my event and then it started to rain. We needed more spray paint so we jumped in the car and as we were driving the down the road this beautiful rainbow appears. After I saw it I decided to turn back around and go home. When we got here we played in the rain for a good hour before coming in and ate spaghetti o’s. That horrible day turned into an amazing one and who knew it could all start with a rainbow.

Photo Day 12 Buttoned

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I thought about this for awhile it is hard to figure out what I should use for buttoned. There are so many options but I picked this shirt because it is my favorite. I don’t know about others but there is something about my husband’s shirts that is so intriguing, maybe it is his scent even after the shirt is washed I can still smell it. I like wear his shirts he feels close to me especially when he is at work and I start to feel bad. I had a bad dream one night that he passed away and before he went I kept trying to get to him but I couldn’t and when I finally reached him he was ready to say goodbye and he handed me his wallet and keys then drifting away. I sat crying holding one is his shirts inhaling his scent begging for him to come back. I don’t like those dreams when my husband dies it scares me.

Cold Rainy days+ head cold + mood swings + anxiety + lack of sleep = My current state

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I’m just not sleeping well between the dreams and anxiety it’s hard. When I don’t sleep my anxiety gets worse and I start to have misfires in my brain. When this happens my words jumble, my hands won’t stop shaking, I stutter really bad and I can’t focus on anything. I will tell people around me something isn’t right because part of me that is not overly medicated to tell, but something needs to recognize it so we can be cautious in any mood changes. I am extremely clingy when this happens and it is annoying but my husband understands and tries to deal with it as best as he can. It makes everything else I do extremely difficult and the part of my brain that knows better just doesn’t function at all and do things that are “out of the normal” for social settings. My brain just can’t function at this point so something has to give. I need to sleep for more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. I’ve mixed some night time cold meds with my regular medicine so let’s fuck some shit up and see what happens.

I noticed the signs which are important I’m scared for psychosis, schizophrenic episodes, suicidal thoughts, the man you know the shit that happens when someone likes me stops sleeping and my mind takes it as a challenge to see how much shit we can fuck up. We’ve dealt with some down moods but now it’s time for the worse half to appear. Lately, I have thought of every reason to get high and not to. I will keep you updated on the situation as it unfolds.

PSA: Yes I talk about my illness different than most people. If you think it is all fake then you’ve never dealt with me before in any capacity you would know I’m fucked in the head.

Weekly Update 8

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– It’s definitely been a rough week.

– The walk was a little over a week ago but all the excitement and emotions went away quickly and I feel every single down as it happens.

– Exercise – The walk was the only exercising I’ve done in awhile and trust me when I tell you I felt every step. I wore jeans and so I chaffed really bad. It took awhile for that to go away.

– Still no soda!! Yay!! I still drink coffee from time to time, but no soft drinks is a big deal for me. I’m drinking more water so that’s a positive.

– Payday is TOMORROW. I am so excited I need the money!!!

– We are going to Tennessee on Sunday and I can’t wait!!!

– My dreams aren’t getting any better so I have to call my doctor.

– I’ve got a cold that I hope it goes away quickly. It is the weather changing so frequently and drastically over the last few days.

– I have an adventure with the hubby tomorrow for his business and I’m kind of stoked about it. There should be a post about it tomorrow.

– I will update you again next week!!

Have a great week!! 🖤