I love the rain. I love how it softens the outlines of things.

Today was one of the best days I’ve had un awhile. Wayne and I went grocery shopping today. We went to Woks Up had some amazing food and then to Planet Smoothie to have some amazing smoothies. We watched the bottom fall out of the sky and it pouring rain. I find something so relaxing about the rain. After we got home we made an assembly line for the groceries in the pouring rain. It was so fun and unorganized. Wayne had a city council meeting so my daughter and I watched Bob’s Burgers. It was a good day. The rest of the world maybe falling apart but this time with them is perfect.

And all of the sudden I felt tired like the world drained me for everything I had.

My day couldn’t/wouldn’t end fast enough. If you can notice I am going to talk about the same thing for awhile so if it seems repetitive it kind of is. I’ve lost all focus and attention to any detail for anything. I want to go back home and go back to bed between the dreams, thoughts, emotional tornado I am in everyday feels worse than the one before. I got to keep up the fight and make it through this mood swing. It almost feels impossible to come up for air.

I am worried about my blog and Instagram because someone who likes stirring the pot of shit is trying me and my patience. I am not in the mood to be fucked with and will show you no mercy if you come at me. I am sure you are reading this trying to find some fucked up thing I said against me so go ahead tell them I was talking about you…. if you can prove it was you I was talking about or the situation it involves where it is occurring because it sounds like you are grasping for straws to use this against me. So if you decide to use this one against me please make sure you add the part where I tell you to suck my dick. Thanks bitch

Not all wounds are visible.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about mental health is how our symptoms turn physical. I can feel my better wearing out and tiring so the last day I work before my days off seems almost unbearable and I am fighting every bad emotion/thought in my brain just to finish the day. This would be my feeling today. I still have one more day of work after this and I don’t know how I am going to do it. I need the money but I don’t know if my body can handle one more day. I know I don’t talk about what I do, it is not physical labor though I can say that much. I work so hard and give it everything I’ve got to the point when I get home I am mentally exhausted. I used up every bit of energy I have at work so I can do a good job and I think I do a pretty good job of hiding what is going on with me.

My wounds and pain aren’t always visible maybe through a sigh or a look on my face but other than that I don’t talk about it with anyone unless it is a personal setting. It feels like with each passing month my body is starting to show its wear and tear better.

I have high functioning bipolar. This is what it looks like.

I am exhausted still. I woke up in the middle of the night completely confused and it gets better or worse depending on my moods which are bad lately so it doesn’t really help anything. I am trying to be high functioning even though it doesn’t really work or maybe it does and I don’t notice. I did learn at work today if you have hiccups you can use smelling salts to get rid of them. This was the first time I had hiccups in awhile and getting them at work is not good. If I am not self conscious already having the hiccups makes it worse. The twitching and shaking were almost unbearable last night. I wonder if I ever really let someone in my head to read my thoughts would help? Could they handle the amount of shit I deal with on a daily basis. Have you ever stood with a bottle of pills in your hand not be suicidal and still played the game of what if?

I am trying my best to cope with everything and continue on pretending that nothing is hurting me anymore but it is really hard to do. I am high functioning bipolar and I don’t know how long it will take before I can’t anymore. Lately, any and all effort into functioning feels horrible. I still make myself get up and go to work, take a shower, pay bills, eat and forgot the madness inside my head ever existed. I can only hide it for so long though. I just wanted this quote because I think other people need to realize that there are people like me with bipolar disorder and other illnesses that are high functioning but there are others whose illnesses are debilitating.

The worst feeling in the world is trying to hold back a panic attack in public.

Today I woke up shaking and my chest started hurting and I know what that means PANIC ATTACK symptoms. Those are fucking awesome and exactly what I need to happen while I’m at work. I keep trying mindful meditation but it isn’t working. I have more time to be here and I need to focus but I can’t and I know when I get home that means a date with the bathtub to calm down. I’ve listened to Mac Miller’s Swimming cd on replay as much as I could today. That usually helps everything out and drinking OJ. I find comfort in these small things to try and make my day better. I wish I could explain to people how it feels when I am stuck in such a horrible place and I don’t know how to get out or ask for help. I know this feeling may go away temporarily but it will be back.

Should I sleep or should I shower? I could sleep in the shower but I’m starving

Have you ever been so tired that you don’t know what to do first? I’ve felt that way all day today. I was so exhausted when I got home I plopped on the couch and posted my  “I’m still alive” on Instagram and then drifted in and out. I floated in and out of sleep for 30 minutes on the couch before going to bed. On nights like tonight my medicine enhances my already overwhelming urge to sleep but I did fall asleep on Wayne which is my favorite thing to do.

This morning The Wells Fargo app stopped working and sent me into a huge panic after having your information stolen before moments like that will make your heart stop. I am emotionally drained but what else is new. I just want to sleep the rest of the day away.

I’m really getting sick of this shit.

Life as a writer is difficult and feels impossible.

Dammit dammit dammit. I can’t write the ending. I just can’t I’m not ready yet. I don’t want to force it so I will go work on the part that is currently in the editing stage. I plan on publishing the first of 4ish series. I have an author genius (that is what I call him.) helping me edit. It’s time after 7 years to let it go. I’ve learned that people actually enjoy what I write (assumptions) I have followers and subscribers so I’m doing something right. Check out my blog bipolaroutcasts.com I am dropping a sneak peek of my book at 5 pm est. I want feedback!! I will post again once it is out!