Today was a day of me not accomplishing any blogs but binge watching television with Wayne. We did have some good conversation when our WiFi died for a little while. I love those conversations with him. We were watching Last Man Standing and that gave me an idea. I want us to go away to a cabin for a weekend and use no electronics. I feel like this maybe an impossible task because I love taking pictures to help with my memory and if I didn’t have a way to document it my head may explode. I waited too long for my check to finally be deposited. I had bills I didn’t want to pay. I need to get work done because the only way I will make any progress is to be consistent which is something I’m not good at. I am working on my book though which makes me happy.

Moods, dreams, the man sucks and I am trying to make improvements

It takes forever for me to find these damn quotes, anyway the money topic again. It is almost as annoying as my moods. We are tight on money which I’ve explained more than one time but we talked about it again and I got upset because I felt like it would be discussed every day I am off and don’t get me wrong we need to talk about it so we can get everything in place. I get paid tomorrow so we need to have a game plan but I want it to be a 2 minute conversation and let that be it but I know it helps him to talk about it but I got annoyed and my mood flipped switch on and I started shouting for no reason. Yep those are good times when I flip my shit for absolutely no reason. He actually isn’t talking about it that much I obsess over talking about it and I am the one working myself up for no reason. He was happy and in a good mood until I freaked out and ruined it, I am an expert at that. My moods are a continued problem with lack of sleep I am a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any given moment. It sucks to be like this.

Today was my last day of work for 3 whole days!! The Super Bowl is on tonight which I don’t care much for football but it will be fun to watch the commercials. I am hoping these days off will help my moods improve. I went outside with my daughter and watched her hover around the yard and down our street. We made some really cool videos of her which I enjoyed. I thought about uploading them. It’s sucks that my moods are causing so many problems and distance between people because I don’t want to hurt them. I need to work more on my blog and Instagram but I don’t feel like it and Instagram shadowbanned me again so it won’t be exciting until they stop that shit. The man is always around and watching me. He still talks occasionally.

Here we go again with most entries it was a long day but I had a voucher for something in a coffee shop and I got a milkshake!!! It was delicious and definitely made my moods better there is just something about chocolate. I came home from work at junk food took a long hot shower which involved watching YouTube videos and wish I could create my own channel but there are particular reasons I can’t which sucks. My moods are how they are in every other post I feel like they suck. I want to know when this fucking mood swing will end. I want to talk to my best friend but she is going through something and I don’t want to bother her she understands this shit and gives good advice. I will try to work my way through it though it just takes time.

JANUARY IS OVER!!!! It feels like there were 3423234 days in January but now it is done. I can’t wait to post my finals for numbers in January. My moods aren’t any better the man is talking but dammit I accomplished goals I set for myself and I kept up with my daily emotions for ALL of January!! I am so damn proud of myself. Small victories sometimes are the best victories. This is my big win for the day!!!

Today I went with Wayne to pick up a truck and we had to go to Lawrenceville. I despise Lawrenceville and for a good reason, that is where Summit Ridge is located. The damn psychiatric facility I was involuntarily held. I start to shake just thinking about that place a glorified hell hole which I felt like I would never escape from. The entire way there I stared at landmarks I remember staring at on my way to follow up visits which Lexapro was shoved down my throat (not literally but you get it) When I was finally discharged from that disgusting piece of shit they made me think that if I didn’t schedule follow up visits they would put me back in. I hated driving there to talk to the psychiatrist who makes his money working for the hospital and his private practice out of the hospital as well (he was profiting way too much fucking peoples head up.) When we were driving I could tell you where everything was and where the road was to turn on to the hospital when we passed it I got chills. I never want to be anywhere near that place. Wayne told me I need to let go of that because it was almost 6 years ago and he is probably right but it is hard to let go of it is what started this mental health journey. I want to never forget where I stood to where I am now and everything in between again this when I need a therapist.

We stopped to eat on the way back and he told me he was going to sell his truck and that was the first truck he ever bought, it isn’t currently running but it broke my heart because he told our daughter she could have it and fix it up. I was able to talk him out of it and we got our financial situation handled the best we can right now. I am just glad he isn’t selling his truck.

Moods suck dreams suck this trip didn’t help anything.