Category: Gratitude

“Start writing, no matter what. …

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I have to work today which means editing will happen on my lunch break and when I get off work if I have time. I didn’t get much sleep last night which is weird because I didn’t want to sleep but then I was exhausted this morning. I think my brain is in overdrive right now so it doesn’t know what it wants. I can’t turn it off even if I wanted to… this is one of those times that anything you use to calm you down becomes useful. It used to be writing in my book (the rest of it not what I am currently editing.) but with me editing and trying to push myself to publish I can’t write on the other part because I automatically turn back to editing. I try my journal but that reminds me of how far behind I am on posts and looking at my stats which makes me sad because it means I am not reaching you guys the way I want to.

I’ve learned to force myself to write everyday even if I have nothing to write about just starting typing and see what you come up with. I do that in my journal sometimes I always have a ton of things that happened but my brain is foggy and overworked it can’t focus on something. Writing helps me decompress. What helps you?

Motivation is what gets you started habit is what keeps you going. Jim Rohn

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My mood is currently cycling. Cycling moods is like being tortured your body doesn’t know what to do or how to respond. My cycling makes me so tired so quickly but for me up swings are scary. I do the most damage and make more bad decisions when I am in a up swing. I tend to be more careless and give less fucks which means time lapses when I started to get the slightest bit agitated. Let’s see how this goes

Meanwhile:

I am so happy that I am accomplishing so much with my book. I like the fact he isn’t waiting for me to edit something before I send it to him. I am actually ahead of schedule and if I’ve learned everything from the fucked up things I’ve done that hyper focus can be my bff if I can harness and use it in a healthy productive way. I am hoping this jump starts my career so I can have more days like this. I am going to actually finish a book…..SOON!!!

Picture: me after almost 2 days of editing

Weekly Update 24

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A little bit more positive

Still no diet or exercise

Overeating junk food

Deep in the bowels of hell editing my book. This is my attention span | | so when I’m trying to focus to edit that doesn’t help.

Binge watching. The Simpsons

Finding any music I can to help inspire me and motivate me to work harder.

This is my life the next several months until I can publish.

Does anyone want to be a Beta reader?

“The first draft is just you telling yourself the story.” …

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Today I spent all day editing my book. I decided to dedicate my entire day to editing my book. I am trying to make sure it is exactly what I wanted and I figured something out. I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY!! I keep finding reasons to change something or add this and take this out but I need to be sure of myself. I will say this upswing is useful for editing purposes I need to hyper focus any extra energy I have but it is like this energy is catching my body up to the rest of me. I’ve had no energy for so long I think my body is like FUCK FINALLY! YOU TOOK A WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE…. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HORRORS SHE’S DONE. I actually said that out loud as I was typing it in an odd voice and everything. I am strange and need a break from myself. WTF!! Book editing shall continue and the mood is being monitored closely.

Commitment means staying loyal to what you said you were going to do long after the mood you said it in has left you.

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Today is my first of 3 days off and I am working on getting my book completed. I have to catch up on everything so I can focus on the book. Wayne is off work early today so we get to spend some time together. I have so much to do and not enough energy to complete any of it. I have new pens and journal and I can’t believe I am almost finished with this one. I get paid this week (happy dance) to bad most of it is spoken for. I want to get my Facebook page up and going. My moods are starting to fluctuate which is not good. I know that I’ve dealt with the depression but if an upswing is coming that is dangerous. We will see what happens. I have to stick with everything I am doing even with mood changes. My creative screwed up brain is a blessing and curse super cliche right??

I was supposed to have a doctors appointment today but I cancelled it. Yep not ready to see him right now.

Days like this, PERFECT!

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Today at work was long and tiring. Everyone is sick and it proves to make things more difficult but once 3:30 hit I was so happy because it meant that I have 3 days off!!! I love the thought of having 3 whole days off to work on everything and to rest. These last few days have been hell on me and my body is so fucking tired but when I got home Wayne made some of the best hamburgers with bacon cooked to a perfect medium rare. We had chips and I went to the liquor store and bought him some beer. He told me to guess what kind to get him and see how close I would be to getting something he would like and I nailed it of course. I don’t drink two things I’m not responsible with is alcohol and credit cards. I find credit limits a personal challenge. (Not so much as when I was younger.) We watched Wreck it Ralph breaks the Internet and had an amazing family time. This is a perfect way to start my 3 days off.

With new day comes new strengths and new thoughts

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Today was AMAZING! Work was just work and I couldn’t wait to get off because Wayne and I were going to Walmart to get a new tire for his truck and that meant an adventure and I love new adventures. We went to Madison to Wal-Mart and after he got his truck settled we shopped around Wal-Mart and I printed some pictures off my phone then got a new journal and pens. There is just something about a new journal blank pages ready for your thoughts, dreams and emotions. I’m so proud of myself and the new steps I’m taking to improve myself and my writing. I printed my book out and I’m rewriting and going through with my trusty red pen. We went to Arby’s and ate. I just have so much fun with him in every adventure we take together. It is amazing how these little things can improve your moods. He makes me happy and forgot the horrible dreams and the tornado in my brain.

Without quality time your relationship will not survive

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I know I don’t talk about work much besides telling you I had a long day or it wore me out. I wish I could get more details but I can’t and I know some of you are asking. I have a job that feels like a long day and it wears me out because I’m extremely introverted and I have to be extrovert for it. It takes every bit of energy I have to do this and my body tires easy.

Now the good stuff: when I got home from work my daughter went to my moms and my husband and I had a nice evening in together. We went out for late night ice cream and even though I have to get up early in the morning the snuggles while watching a movie made it so much better. This year we both agreed that we felt we’ve rushed the years and we were going to focus on each other and spending more quality time together and even when he is stressed out we still enjoy each other. We are 19 years and counting. It takes a lot to make a relationship with after that many years but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Whatever can go wrong will go wrong. – Murphy’s law

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Today was horrible. Everything went wrong from work until I got home. I’m just so fucked up in my own head it feels like I can’t function much anymore. I’m at an emotional overload and I don’t know how to let it out in a healthy way. I know I want to cry I just don’t know how to make it happen or if it will make it feel any better. I am just going to sink myself back in my book. At least there I can solve my problems.

I cleaned to avoid dealing with my problems and it worked….some

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Today I decided to clean the house. I am just stressed out about so much stuff and needed a way to deal with it. So I started mopping, doing laundry, cleaned bathrooms, cleaned out my makeup, swept, cleaned the kitchen, took the trash out. It helped for a little while to focus on something else. It made me feel better at least for a little while. I went to Dollar General (the only store we have) and got more cleaning supplies and I made a friend with a Hispanic lady staring at Scrubbing Bubbles with me well I thought we were friends until she started handing out her business card. So if you read this I don’t want you to clean my house and you shouldn’t solicit people you are weak and tired down the cleaning aisle. I filled my cart with cleaning supplies (see picture below) and I had two people walk by me saying, “Oh you must be cleaning do you want to clean my house too?” I was nice the first time the last time I said, “No I am just buying them because I want people to think I clean my house but hey there is a lady down the scrubbing bubbles aisle handing out her business card you should go talk to her. The fuck people.

Wayne was impressed with all the cleaning I did and I was impressed with myself. It made me tired which was okay because it meant that I might get to sleep. I also found “The Torkelsons” on Youtube which makes me extra excited. I used to love that show especially Dorothy Jane because when she talked to the man on the moon about her hopes and dreams I would do the same. She was a hopeless romantic like me. Sometimes you have to bring in the old to make you feel better.