I will trigger warn now:

My first suicide attempt in September (there are 5 attempts to be exact) wasn’t my first time trying in the last 5 years I want to say over a dozen times so this concept wasn’t new to me. I preferred overdosing, if you wanted an out you had one, self harm is to painful, guns are to quick and permanent, hanging is just gives me chills. If there was a way to kill yourself I knew it and probably attempted, tried or googled to see the success rate. You get the point.

Whenever this happens I make videos. They are long winded apologizes and I love you’s to everyone who mattered in my life, (pour out a little redbull, chug the rest of the redbull) and then there is the honest to God truth about people because you are about to die. I watched one of those yesterday and I cried but mostly I laughed. I can almost guarantee I was high. I know some people will read this and think what a horrible person I am for saying it, but is okay. We all handle our illness differently and sometimes the only way I can cope with it is to find humor in it. The honesty I gave probably helped me more than I realize. I would post the video but the last thing I need is for it go viral.

Bipolar, suicide, schizophrenia, psychosis are scary. The deeper I get the more open I will be about my illness. I think we all need to be open about our illness, our coping mechanisms, and the most important that we are still a fucking person. Our illness doesn’t make us a robot, incapable of empathy towards other. We probably have more empathy than other people because of what we deal with. We are stronger, it takes someone with great courage, will power, determination to move when your muscles leave you paralyzed, you forget how to speak, there is only darkness, you watch the world crumble around and by the Grace of God or whatever you believe you get up, you move and function like everyone else. It hurts like hell but you do it, but sometimes you can’t it just won’t work and people need to understand that. It may not seem like much to you but for us it is frustration and the feeling of defeat, so you tell someone who is suffering who can’t do it that it is okay and be there for them. If we admit we are having problems and confide in you there is a reason. It is also okay to not be okay and I think with the stigma people forget about that. We are strong people but we suffer more than people realize. If you aren’t okay don’t hide it please please please tell someone and don’t let that pit of hell consume you. You can talk to me. I don’t care if I know you or not I will be there for you and I will hold your hand through it because I know how it feels. I love you, other people in your life love you and you matter.

❤

Last year I had every intention of dying before I ever saw my 34th birthday. I was suffering with severe mood swings, psychosis and in the process self medicating with benzodiazepines and not taking my medicine as prescribed. On my memories from Timehop there are several goodbye videos, and I found this. I wrote this note the first time I tried. Which was exactly a year ago today. I went to my spot on the lake with a bag of pills a Redbull, music and a made a video explaining how I wanted my funeral, to be cremated, the playlist on my phone for my funeral so I didn’t have to listen to shitty music as I watched from heaven. Tomorrow is my 34th birthday. Tomorrow I will be 34 years old and by the grace of God I’m still here fighting. We are counting to my first day of my life changing decision. It hasn’t been easy but in the process I’ve found me again. ❤️ I made it.❤️

Suicide is real.

My pain was real.

It wasn’t because I was selfish.

It was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My illness will forever be a struggle and a permanent problem in my life.

Just call someone and tell them you love them and ask them if they are okay.

I am a survivor.

I am a person, not my illness.

I am not embarrassed or ashamed of my suicide attempt.

You shouldn’t be either.

F@$! judgmental people. They don’t matter.

Your story can save a life

1-800-273-8255

So, if that title confuses you it means my moods aren’t really stable. We will begin with psychosis. The psychosis is currently happening while I’m sleeping which is better than when I’m awake, but that’s like saying a sprained ankle is better than a broke one. I wake up confused and I stay confused for hours at a time. I forget what house I am in, I have large pieces of my day missing. If it involves my husband I trust him to tell me what happened, but then I have to put my faith in others and that is what scares me. People call it negative energy, but it really isn’t. I am scared of what I might say or do so it is easier to not make a personal connection with people. I don’t know how to explain that to people.

I cried yesterday and I couldn’t tell you why. I didn’t post yesterday because I knew it wouldn’t make sense and it might not make sense now. I hate when that happens because then people look at it you strange. I can’t just tell them that I’m bipolar so this is completely normal. I wish I could but I know that remark will come with additional questions and assumptions. People make a lot of assumptions about me most of them are wrong or misguided but they aren’t concerned enough to ask.

My psychosis is pulling the mood down and we are going down quickly. Last year on 9/28/18 I tried to kill myself and was self medicating. I have almost made it a whole year without it and I am still working hard with it, but honestly I am struggling not with self medicating with the other stuff. The memory lapses, confusion, crying, the depression that is coming and knowing I can’t stop it.

I wish I could explain to people how hard it is to deal with this.

Hi! If you don’t know me, my name is Tarsha and I have bipolar disorder, severe anxiety, schizophrenia and issues with psychosis. I’m 34 years old and officially diagnosed in July 2013 when I was involuntary placed in a psych hospital. From 2013 until now I’ve been on list of medication so long it could fill up an entire page, shitty psychiatrist to finally a good one, multiple suicide attempts, two exorcisms ( if you don’t come back for anything else come check for that) and so many different therapist and psychologists I’ve lost count, but I’ve always had one stable factor in my life, my husband who through all of the chaos is my rock and needs a Purple Heart for the wars he’s one and lost. If you decide to follow my goal for blogging everyday for an entire year. I am hoping to do some personal therapy, finish my book and lose weight. Welcome to my crazy life.

❤