I didn’t go to work today. I feel horrible and just want to sleep the day away. I was going to try and use a bit of energy to update a few things but it isn’t happening. I am still waiting for my phone case so I can use the new camera on my phone. I have this awesome new camera on my phone and I want to use it so badly. I want to feel like my old self again and I am hoping that after today I will start to feel like myself again. I got lost again and I am trying to find my way back then I don’t know why I keeps happening. What the fuck is going on with me. I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist but I don’t want to go up there and see him.
I found a really good documentary on A&E. I know almost everyone has seen Intervention but they have an entire series dedicated to this area in Atlanta known as the Heroin triangle. You know things are bad in other states but you never realize how bad it actually is in your own state. I know in Atlanta with the airport there is an open market for drugs but I never expected it to be like this. I want to state for the record that I cry whenever I watch Intervention. Whenever they agree to treatment I cry. It never fails. It makes me happy and then when they update that they stayed sober I cry more. I will spend the rest of my day watching Intervention.
I had a long day at work but when I got off work I went to CVS and got one of those black peel off masks for all of us to try. It wasn’t the same one you see on Facebook but this one had glitter which made it much better. When I went to CVS they had my Cadbury eggs on clearance and I got a lot of them. I don’t need to eat them I need to focus on losing weight but they help so much with my writing. I always need something to chew on while I am writing.
I tried to make the rest of my day better but it was hard. I am still watching documentaries and I need to work on my blog and Instagram instead but I’m not. I keep watching my documentaries because it is a nice world to kind of get lost in and it helps with the writing process. I look for any and every way to improve the writing process. I draw inspiration from everywhere I can. I can’t wait for my vacation time to renew so I can take some time off and really get focused
If you are wondering why there are some gaps there are things in my journal I unfortunately I can’t post.
IT IS FINALLY MAY!! I hope that means nicer weather and a low electric bill for a little while. I am excited to get my new phone and new phone case so I can use my phone properly. I am currently using a questionable old phone case on my phone until I can get the new one. I got an IPhone (of course Apple for life.) IPhone XS Max which is amazing. I really needed a new phone.
Today I went to South Carolina with Wayne to pick up a truck but it wasn’t ready so we explored the area and I fell asleep a few times. We found a mall which was really nice kind of sketchy on the outside but they had a lot of good stores in it. We started at Books-A-Million where Wayne bought a bible (FINALLY!!!) and a book of Ronald R. Journals. We walked around for a bit and I found Sephora (it was only a matter of time.) and I bought my daughter face wash because she is obsessed with making sure her skin is clear. I am happy that she cares about her appearance and making sure her face is washed.
I use my free Chick-Fil-A coupon and ate my yummy Chick-Fil-A sandwich and on the way home we stopped to look at the Guide Stones which were awesome. It reminds there are things bigger than yourself and it made everything better.
I feel much better about the tax situation. I stayed on hold for a long time and kept repeating myself over and over again finally getting a bit of a straight answer. It took over 2 hours and 6+ different people but it I feel better. This shit is monopolizes my time and takes time away from what I really want to do.
I am trying to get everything situated because tomorrow Wayne and I are going to pick up a truck. I am sad to miss on extra writing time but I love the time with him. I am glad to get this situated before we went. I am sad about the time I missed out on with him. I will take any chance I get to spend time with him. I have 4 or 5 years of time I wasted that I didn’t enjoy him or my daughter and I have regrets on that. I have time gaps which suck. There are parts of my daughters life I don’t remember and when she asks I have a lot of I don’t remembers. I never wanted to be that parent but I am.
I am getting ready to publish Bipolar Chronicles: Addiction and I am super excited about it. Something good does come out of this right?
Today just sucked. I had to spend way too much time on the phone with the state dept. of revenue trying to clear all of this shit up. I had to call my attorney we had to pull the records from my bankruptcy to see what was covered. I have a severe tension headache and I don’t want to deal with this shit right now but I cant ignore it because if I do it will only get worse. It seems like my past just keeps creeping right back in. It’s like, “Hey I haven’t fucked you over enough as it is lets do it some more.” I wish I had a lot of money to solve all of these fucking problems.
Other reasons my day sucked: People are trying again to use my blog against me even though I am not talking about anyone particular except my husband and daughter or occasionally my two best friends. I don’t know why they think they are so damn important that anything would be about them. Except this: Please suck my veiny hairy dick k thanks. I would do the finger emoji if I could find it. This is the only dedication you get to anything fucking idiots.
My daughter and I hit up DG again and I got something for this horrendous headache from stress and anxiety and comfort food because lets be honest we all need some comfort food when shit like this happens.
We sat on Waynes grandparents back porch talking and laughing. This makes everything better. These moments with families are priceless and worth more than any of this stress I have.
Today started out rough. I found out that I have issues with state taxes which is bullshit because my bankruptcy was supposed to take care of everything and now I am dealing with this shit. Fucking corrupt money hungry government making shit up as they go. I don’t know if my anxiety can handle what is happening right now. This is normally when I want pills but I am not that person anymore so instead I talk it out with Wayne or write it out in my journal. It makes those weak moments go away quickly.
Wayne and I were supposed to go pick up a truck but it got pushed back again. Which is okay because that gives me time to catch up on everything. Here is to hoping.
We did go see The Avengers movie and I had so much fun. I needed that time out with him again. It always makes me feel better. He brought me clothes to change into it when I got off work and it was hilarious trying to change clothes in a stinky DQ bathroom and then losing my keys forgetting where I put my wallet was all entertainment before we even started watching the movie. I need to remember that everything will work out in due time and to have a little faith.
Today just sucked all the way around. I had to work on little to no sleep and a variety of things that made me anxious completed the lack of optimism in my day. I just don’t understand how I am supposed to function with no energy, mood issues and still be happy. It just isn’t happening.
Wayne and I got in a fight because I ruined the evening. I didn’t even know what was going on. I was so fucking out of it I couldn’t tell you what I did. I don’t doubt it though. When I get like this my memory is nonexistent and I usually act out aggressively or ignore everyone. The schedule is completely messing me up. I need time off and time away from everything but I cant afford it and I don’t know where I would go. I don’t need to be by myself I know that much. I will become a complete danger to myself when I am in these moods.
Sometimes I just want to say fuck it on everything but I can’t but the thought of doing it makes me feel better. So I pretend what it would be like if I just said fuck it and it makes a huge difference.
SO FUCK IT. FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK BILLS, FUCK PEOPLE, FUCK MONEY, FUCK RELATIONSHIPS JUST FUCK IT ALL!!!!!!!
My work schedule is still screwed up which in turn screws up my sleep cycle. I keep thinking about the fight that many daughter and I had last night. I know more than anything else it hurt my feelings and I reacted badly. On my part I could’ve taken a different approach then white trashing it in the yard. Just for clarification I was not swearing at my child nor did I call her any names. I was just pissed off and being me decided to let my anger out in the middle of the front yard. It all kind of confused me because she and I just had this amazing conversation on Wednesday so I don’t know where this came from. I couldn’t concentrate today it was all I could think about. I know she is young and still doesn’t fully understand what is going on with me but it still hurts.
I want to do something self destructive to make it better but I remind myself that I am not that kind of person anymore. I can handle my shit like an adult, my daughter and hubby are every reason to stop myself from making these decisions. It isn’t worth losing them for any moment of being numb.
I remind myself the reason I changed myself the reason I decided to live a better life is because if I didn’t it would be a life without them and that isn’t a life I ever want to have. I don’t want synthetic moods anymore. I’ve dealt with worse deal with it dammit you got this.
I had to work today and it was a late shift that I am not used to doing so it kind of messed up my day. I am so tired and my schedule is a bit out of whack which is not good for me or my sleep cycle. It is amazing how a few hours of sleep can cause so much damage. I am so ready for Monday I need a month off and hours of sleep that I am missing. I accomplished nothing on my days off.
These moods are really all over the place. I messaged the GW on hopes for a little update to make my day better. I have practiced my handwriting some today which also made me feel a little better. It is amazing how I can have so much energy and then have none at all. I want my hyperfocus to work dammit but you cant turn it on and off. I think a lot of me is broken right now.
My daughter and I got in a huge fight tonight. She texted me that she needs to talk to me about how I treat her with my moods and when I ask to check her phone. This all happened after I took my medicine after I got home late from work. It doesn’t go well. I lost my shit. When my mom dropped her off I completely white trashed it and started yelling and cussing in the driveway. Thanks for making me feel like a worse parent than I already am. I know that isn’t want you meant but you broke my heart especially since I’ve worked so hard lately to make changes in my mood and how I ask you for things like your phone. Let’s rub the shitty parent in a little deeper.
I have watched way too many font videos and I’ve accomplished nothing else but some new handwriting techniques. I am constantly working on improving my handwriting. I have started on so many things but got none of them accomplished.
I know there are certain triggers happening and as much as I want to ignore it I cant. I didn’t realize editing this chapter would be so hard and cause so many problems. It is like reliving the same trauma over and over again. I sit and stare at the word document for 45 minutes trying to get pass the triggering message but it doesn’t work. I don’t want to delete it completely but I have to overcome my fear of touching it and making any adjustments. Hell I wrote it you think it would be easy to just cut it out and edit it but it is almost like torture.
My daughter came home from school and I took a break from my difficult book writing to hang out with my daughter. We had an amazing conversation about girls, friends, drama and school. She is at that age sadly when bullshit happens and I want her to know how to deal with it. She told me that two of her friends were arguing and I said, “STAY OUT OF IT” Nothing good ever comes from putting yourself in the middle of an argument you have no idea why it started. I explained things from a different perspective and then dealing with my friends and what I learned growing up. I had such an amazing conversation with her. These are the moments when I feel like a really good mom.