Guilt and changes.

My work schedule is still screwed up which in turn screws up my sleep cycle. I keep thinking about the fight that many daughter and I had last night. I know more than anything else it hurt my feelings and I reacted badly. On my part I could’ve taken a different approach then white trashing it in the yard. Just for clarification I was not swearing at my child nor did I call her any names. I was just pissed off and being me decided to let my anger out in the middle of the front yard. It all kind of confused me because she and I just had this amazing conversation on Wednesday so I don’t know where this came from. I couldn’t concentrate today it was all I could think about. I know she is young and still doesn’t fully understand what is going on with me but it still hurts.

I want to do something self destructive to make it better but I remind myself that I am not that kind of person anymore. I can handle my shit like an adult, my daughter and hubby are every reason to stop myself from making these decisions. It isn’t worth losing them for any moment of being numb.

I remind myself the reason I changed myself the reason I decided to live a better life is because if I didn’t it would be a life without them and that isn’t a life I ever want to have. I don’t want synthetic moods anymore. I’ve dealt with worse deal with it dammit you got this.

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