I am so glad I was off yesterday and got to enjoy myself. I needed that time to rest and clear my head. I am ready to get off work and start editing. I’ve already planned my days off. Tuesday is dedicated to the blog and Wednesday is nothing but edits. When I got off work I went to see Wayne, he is working on a place for his business to expand it a little and I hope he knows how proud of him I am. There is some local drama that I wish would end. There are people that I am not to fond of but I think some of it is wrong. I wish people wouldn’t use things as a personal vendetta and come from a place of peace and understanding. I am saying this and I am not fond of them imagine that I do have some sort of tolerance.

My mood swings are shifting back and forth and I can’t make heads or tells of what is going on.

Today I was off which is out of the norm for a Saturday but I had so much fun. I wanted to hang out at home but we had an event going on downtown that Wayne helped with so I rode down there with my daughter and had a blast. We ate these amazing pimento cheese bacon bbq sandwiches. I ended up eating 3!! My daughter btw is 11 she will be 12 soon and she doesn’t know how to ride a bike and professionals, family and friends tried to teach her how to ride and it was not happening.

My moods are still unsteady and it was interesting because I didn’t want to talk to anyone (our town is tiny so you know almost everyone.)I made Wayne talk to everyone for me. I just wasn’t in the mood for conversations with anyone all I wanted was Wayne and my daughter so I didn’t talk. He entertained the idea and did it for me. He thought it was odd but understood where I was coming from.

I have to work today which means editing will happen on my lunch break and when I get off work if I have time. I didn’t get much sleep last night which is weird because I didn’t want to sleep but then I was exhausted this morning. I think my brain is in overdrive right now so it doesn’t know what it wants. I can’t turn it off even if I wanted to… this is one of those times that anything you use to calm you down becomes useful. It used to be writing in my book (the rest of it not what I am currently editing.) but with me editing and trying to push myself to publish I can’t write on the other part because I automatically turn back to editing. I try my journal but that reminds me of how far behind I am on posts and looking at my stats which makes me sad because it means I am not reaching you guys the way I want to.

I’ve learned to force myself to write everyday even if I have nothing to write about just starting typing and see what you come up with. I do that in my journal sometimes I always have a ton of things that happened but my brain is foggy and overworked it can’t focus on something. Writing helps me decompress. What helps you?

Today I spent all day editing my book. I decided to dedicate my entire day to editing my book. I am trying to make sure it is exactly what I wanted and I figured something out. I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY!! I keep finding reasons to change something or add this and take this out but I need to be sure of myself. I will say this upswing is useful for editing purposes I need to hyper focus any extra energy I have but it is like this energy is catching my body up to the rest of me. I’ve had no energy for so long I think my body is like FUCK FINALLY! YOU TOOK A WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE…. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HORRORS SHE’S DONE. I actually said that out loud as I was typing it in an odd voice and everything. I am strange and need a break from myself. WTF!! Book editing shall continue and the mood is being monitored closely.

Today is my first of 3 days off and I am working on getting my book completed. I have to catch up on everything so I can focus on the book. Wayne is off work early today so we get to spend some time together. I have so much to do and not enough energy to complete any of it. I have new pens and journal and I can’t believe I am almost finished with this one. I get paid this week (happy dance) to bad most of it is spoken for. I want to get my Facebook page up and going. My moods are starting to fluctuate which is not good. I know that I’ve dealt with the depression but if an upswing is coming that is dangerous. We will see what happens. I have to stick with everything I am doing even with mood changes. My creative screwed up brain is a blessing and curse super cliche right??

I was supposed to have a doctors appointment today but I cancelled it. Yep not ready to see him right now.

The Monday excitement of having the next two days off as started and 3:00 won’t get here fast enough. Someone I am close to and love is leaving and they are having a going away party for them today and I can’t bring myself to go. I know comments will be made that they are so close and she couldn’t bother to show up but fuck people. It is so hard for me to socialize sometimes especially since I have to at work. I am exhausted and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I wanted to go but I couldn’t do it I just couldn’t. I feel like my depression is getting better and if I force myself into a situation that I’m not ready for it will get bad again. I am trying to win this fight in my mind and sometimes it requires you to be a little selfish. I just want to smile again.

FUCKING TIME CHANGE!!!!

I had so much fun last night but I am exhausted. I am definitely paying for it today. I can barely keep my eyes open. I did not get much sleep last night and with no help from my old friend caffeine it looks like I won’t have much energy today. I wouldn’t change yesterday for anything but I also need to work on damn impulsive version of me. Dam you brain and your bad decisions. You knew the time change happened but you didn’t care. What am I going to do with you. Good job dumbass. I will be so happy when I am done at work and can go back home to sleep. Hopefully my body is tired and sick of my shit and says nope we are sleeping. I wonder if I listen to Samuel L. Jackson read Go the fuck to sleep it would help.