HAPPY EASTER!!! Today is a wonderful day. I get to spend time with my family it is a day off of work and church. I haven’t made it to church in awhile with my hectic work schedule I don’t get there as often as I should. I went to my moms for awhile and spent time with my mom, sister and niece. We had a really good time. My daughter loved everything we got her for Easter. (She outgrew the Easter Bunny.) It was just good family time.
Mental Health: My dreams are crazy but it is like the les and and less I remember when I try to write it down. I don’t know what is going on anymore. This is pit of anxiety hasn’t left yet. Sometimes in moments like this I want Xanax or any benzo for that matter but it is a bad cycle and one I don’t want to start on. I’ve gone down this rabbit hole with these meds and it never ends well. We’ve avoided the self destructive pattern for almost two years and I would like to keep it that way. I just got where Wayne trusts me again and I don’t want to do anything to break that trust. I am so proud of myself for writing this out instead of going right for the pills.
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I am still way behind on everything
Moods are bad
I am trying
Not going to make the goals unless something changes
I need to get better.
Why can’t I follow through with anything.
I am so mad at myself.
I would change the font to green if I could figure out how to in honor of 4/20. I support the use of marijuana and thinks it needs to be legalized in every state.
Anyway, work went by so slow and I know it’s because I am so excited about the big surprise. Our wedding anniversary is actually in May but so is our daughters birthday that means we are celebrating a month early. May is dedicated to our daughter. When I texted Wayne and told him how much longer I had he texted me back and said, “Just a few more hours and you are all mine.” My heart melted. I haven’t felt great lately the issues of rapid cycling are getting worse and it is becoming more difficult to deal with.
We went to Athens and he took me to Best Buy for AN APPLE WATCH. I know it doesn’t sound really exciting but if you are a nerd like me and an Apple lover it is perfect. I’ve wanted one for awhile so it makes me happy. This is a fairly expensive mood increaser but still a good one. I used it to text him when we were in the mall. I could’ve just used my phone because responding on my watch is a bit more difficult but I did it because I could.
We finished Easter shopping and went to eat at Catch22 which is a delicious gastro pub. I went to Target and spent WAY TOO much money again. It was a great night out with Wayne and a much needed night out with him. We weren’t in a rush grocery shopping and hoping we could get back home soon enough for me to take my meds. We stayed out late and I felt not so constrained by my illness or my meds. I had a small taste of freedom which sounds weird but if you are scheduled the way I have to be going off schedule for just a little while is amazing.
I am still neglecting things but right now in this moment everything seems perfect.
Today I went back to work. I didn’t get anything I wanted to accomplish done on my days off but instead I rested which is maybe what I actually needed to do. I went in a little later which meant I got a little extra sleep which is always nice.
My anixety is onset and getting worse. I can’t take much for it so I just have to figure out how to deal with it. I don’t know why but it is making me nervous. All the music I’ve listened to as really kept me calm. It is a big help with everything that is going on. I’ve started to get in the fuck it mood with everything. It just hurts too much to care about anything right now. I want to curl into a small hole and live there away from people just by myself.
I need to create a routine for personal hygiene. I shower daily and wash my clothes but I don’t do other things I need to do like wash my face everyday or brush my teeth. I’ve already lost teeth because of this but if I don’t start paying more attention I can lose them all.
I’ve noticed when I washed my face my pores minimize and my face looks clear so I should probably do it more often but it is easier said than done. Everything is easier said than done, I could say a million things I want to do but if I don’t try none of them get done.
Now I am going to get lost in my book because it is my happy place.
Today I got nothing accomplished. I slept most of the day and I know how much I needed to get accomplished but I didn’t get anything done. All I ever want to do is sleep. I just don’t have it in me right now sleep is the only thing I want to do. I wish I could get it together and have just a little bit of energy to accomplish anything at this point. I know the GW is almost done editing the first chapter and I’ve not completed editing the second chapter to send to him for his notes so we can get this damn book done. I just have to keep pushing.
Wayne always tries to cheer me up no matter what kind of mood I am in. He took me to Madison today. We went and ate at Captain D’s he told me he had a surprise for me this weekend and I played 20 questions trying to get the answer but I wasn’t successful. We went to Wal-Mart to do some Easter shopping.
I am trying to force it out of me so I don’t get stuck in this down cycle again. It is hard when you are suffering so much and don’t know how to fix it. I am still not sleeping well. I guess I need to see my doctor sooner rather than later.
Nope the Prazosin didn’t do anything last night. My dreams are still weird maybe it takes a few days to kick in. I wam watching The Conjuring which may not be the best idea with me seeing things but I love it. There is something about the paranormal that fascinates me. I watch it after my whole “exorcism” I wonder if something does live inside me. A dark force lives inside me waiting to come out. I have a Bipolar Chronicles I will post soon about this but right now I am obsessed with the paranormal and odd movies.
The rest of the day went well. My moods are still unsteady which isn’t a good thing but I am trying to figure out the best way to handle it. We went to DQ and got supper and I am gearing up for some serious work on everything to get caught up.
I just can’t stand the time between medicine and bed. I don’t know if any of you have tried drugs or know the feeling of cold static that hits you and then the I can’t get comfortable before nodding off. That is how I feel right now.
Well the Prazosin didn’t help. I am still dreaming weird stuff and seeing things that aren’t there. I guess I need to give it a few more days to see if it starts to help. Mondays are still my favorite days! I have 2 whole days off to actually be productive and accomplish something. I just wish I wasn’t so fucking tired and had shifting amounts of energy.
I have so much I need to do, Easter shopping, Easter clothes, finishing the second chapter so I can finish this book by the end of this year!!! I’m already 4 months in and not as far as I would like to be. I also need to start working on getting my event ready for August.
In my edits I realize how bad my writing was when I fist started vs now. Yes I realize in my blog I don’t always use correct grammar but if it is a daily journal entry it is transcribed from my actual journal except for the stuff I am not allowed to talk about in my blog. When it is something more formal such as a Bipolar Chronicle I sometimes use other methods to make sure it sounds good.
I am pushing myself and I am hoping not too hard to get everything done and keep myself on a schedule. I just need to eventually get my sleep right.
Today ended up being amazing. I got to leave work a little earlier and see Wayne before my daughter got home from my moms house. My brain is in a fog and I am trying to jump start my brain so I can work on my book. I am still dealing with writers block and it is not fun. Wayne and I went to the store and got STEAK AGAIN!!! He spent way too much money spoiling me. I know it was to make me feel better which it did. I came in the bedroom and watched TV while I ate so he could watch GOT in the living room. I can’t watch GOT because it triggers. You know you got to love the triggers.
My dreams are getting worse and I feel like my brain is trying to tell me something but I can’t figure out what it is. My anxiety is causing some many problems that it is hard to tell what is up and what is down. Rapid cycling sucks. I feel like I have so much energy and then rolling off the couch seems unbearable. I don’t know what I am supposed to do anymore. I just wish I could turn my brain off for a few minutes. The man is getting closer to me becoming more part of my routine lingering around. Let’s see where this takes us.
I’m calling to call my dr in the morning. Here we go again…..
Today was simply horrible. There aren’t words to use just simply fucking horrible. It did get better. I called Wayne and told him I wanted steak for supper and what a horrible day I had. So I stopped at Publix got steak and meats from the deli to make some of the best sandwiches he could ever dream of and I got him beer. You truly know your husband when you can go to the Liquor Store and buy him great beer every single time. That is better than the questions they ask each other on tv.
Mental Health: I m seeing things still. I am still trying to make heads or tells of it but it is getting worse and the man has started to make himself known again. I am confused and unable to focus on anything. I am in a foggy haze and it feels like no matter what I try I can’t get myself out of it I need to call my dr and see what he says. It’s weird because I remember this haze but not as a sober properly medicated person. I am not happy about any of this but the one thing I will say is that this doesn’t want to make me go back to bad habits. If this is how I feel now what was it like when I wasn’t taking care of myself. This feeling is absolutely horrible. I think I am going to start learning about meditation. It is cheaper than therapy and therapy isn’t something I am very open minded about. I keep having bad experiences with therapist so maybe this will help. If you have any ideas just let me know.