Tag: author in training

I was digging me a hold big enough to bury my soul- Mac Miller

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Today went to shit fast. It just fell apart and now I want to curl up in a ball and go back to sleep. I can tell this is starting to become an upswing which scares me. My upswings are dangerous and extremely unstable. I can feel myself losing control in pieces and I’m hoping that this is just a one time occurrence and we will start to smooth out after this. In the mix of everything I found a song to help calm me down. (I’m uploading that playlist soon) I have many songs that help calm me down and when I start to get angry those songs are crucial. The song I am speaking of is 2009. I need to work on edits and my blog but all I can think about is my bed and wanting this horrible day to end. It will get better tomorrow right??

Turn intentions into actions

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Today I worked on edits….ALL DAY! I am proud of myself for staying focused long enough to get so much accomplished. I read the same paragraphs for at least 5 minutes deep in thought and when I get into deep thoughts like this I imagine myself in the book. I am in my main characters body having these conversations and feeling what sounds like a realistic reaction and emotion to have. I guess I could do it without diving in deep but it is easier that way. I have this amazing (some may call it weird) connection with my book so I am able to find myself inside the characters their emotions and problems are mine but the solutions are also mine which comes in handy with the situations that I put myself in. I think that is why it is so hard to give it up. If I don’t have her that means my problems have to be solved in real-time. It is probably for the best.

I am so behind on EVERYTHING. I need to create a schedule but how do you create a schedule for this when you have no idea what you are doing still and you are so unorganized with this and moods make it more difficult.

Mood: I think I am in an upswing but it is weird so it is hard to tell.

Weekly Update 25

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-There are more back dated post to check out on my day to day life.
-No diet or exercise
-I am currently worried about my not being able to sleep and wanting to stay awake. I think an up swing is coming and those are dangerous.
-My upswings are always more dangerous and can cause more damage.
-Book editing is going well. I have the foundation for what I want now I just need to make it better.
– I am hoping to publish this year
-I posted about my event that I am doing again this year to raise money for suicide awareness.
– I am working on the bipolar chronicles but even with all my honesty about everything so things are still hard to talk about.
– Bipolar Chronicles Depression/Addiction are next and they are the ones I am struggling with
– I am never going to make my goals unless I start posting daily
– I need help with organization and not becoming overwhelmed especially when I deep in my book.
– I did this on time! GO ME! See you next week

DO IT! As often as you can, to wherever you can. Never pass up an opportunity to experience somewhere new, even if just two streets away.

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My daughter left for an overnight trip last night. I miss her terribly and can’t wait to see her today but I’m glad she went and the older she gets the more I know she will venture out like this. Australia is her dream which I told her is a great dream to have we don’t travel outside the country but we do travel around the country as much as possible. I want her to be cultured and be able to say things like, “Yes I remember when I was (insert age) we went there and learned…..

This is when as a parent you hope that you raised them right. You hope that they make good choices and they are good people. You hope that you can shield them from any bad and hateful things in this world but you know you can’t you just have to hope you taught them how to handle things.

Moods: fucked up. I think I am stabilizing but I could be rapid cycling the verdict is out on that one yet.

“A father’s love is forever imprinted on his child’s heart.” – Jennifer Williamson

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Today 26 years ago my dad passed away. It started with an accident at work but he died from an incident during surgery. I text my mom on this day every year to tell her I am thinking about her and love her. I do this on the day he died, his birthday and their wedding anniversary. I’ve now added to this my grandma who passed away in 2017. This day is always a somber day for me. I try to find some peace of mind which is hard. I want him to be proud of me and the things I have accomplished. I wish he could meet his granddaughter and my husband. (they would’ve been best friends.) but more than anything else I want him to be proud me. That means more to me than anything else. I know that I’ve not always made the best decisions and I’ve dealt with some really big demons but I made it through and I would like to think that he held my hand and helped me through it and the reason I survived those suicide attempts was him telling God that I still had great work to do and it wasn’t my time. I don’t know if that is how it works in heaven but he may know some people to help me out.

I worked today but everything just kind of feels like a blur. I have so much work to do with my blog and with my book giving my husband and daughter equal amounts of time feels impossible. Today I will just spend with them though. It is a family day.

Anything worth having is hard work

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I am so glad I was off yesterday and got to enjoy myself. I needed that time to rest and clear my head. I am ready to get off work and start editing. I’ve already planned my days off. Tuesday is dedicated to the blog and Wednesday is nothing but edits. When I got off work I went to see Wayne, he is working on a place for his business to expand it a little and I hope he knows how proud of him I am. There is some local drama that I wish would end. There are people that I am not to fond of but I think some of it is wrong. I wish people wouldn’t use things as a personal vendetta and come from a place of peace and understanding. I am saying this and I am not fond of them imagine that I do have some sort of tolerance.

My mood swings are shifting back and forth and I can’t make heads or tells of what is going on.

A friend is a person who knows what you are saying, even when you aren’t talking

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Today I was off which is out of the norm for a Saturday but I had so much fun. I wanted to hang out at home but we had an event going on downtown that Wayne helped with so I rode down there with my daughter and had a blast. We ate these amazing pimento cheese bacon bbq sandwiches. I ended up eating 3!! My daughter btw is 11 she will be 12 soon and she doesn’t know how to ride a bike and professionals, family and friends tried to teach her how to ride and it was not happening.

My moods are still unsteady and it was interesting because I didn’t want to talk to anyone (our town is tiny so you know almost everyone.)I made Wayne talk to everyone for me. I just wasn’t in the mood for conversations with anyone all I wanted was Wayne and my daughter so I didn’t talk. He entertained the idea and did it for me. He thought it was odd but understood where I was coming from.

“Start writing, no matter what. …

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I have to work today which means editing will happen on my lunch break and when I get off work if I have time. I didn’t get much sleep last night which is weird because I didn’t want to sleep but then I was exhausted this morning. I think my brain is in overdrive right now so it doesn’t know what it wants. I can’t turn it off even if I wanted to… this is one of those times that anything you use to calm you down becomes useful. It used to be writing in my book (the rest of it not what I am currently editing.) but with me editing and trying to push myself to publish I can’t write on the other part because I automatically turn back to editing. I try my journal but that reminds me of how far behind I am on posts and looking at my stats which makes me sad because it means I am not reaching you guys the way I want to.

I’ve learned to force myself to write everyday even if I have nothing to write about just starting typing and see what you come up with. I do that in my journal sometimes I always have a ton of things that happened but my brain is foggy and overworked it can’t focus on something. Writing helps me decompress. What helps you?

Motivation is what gets you started habit is what keeps you going. Jim Rohn

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My mood is currently cycling. Cycling moods is like being tortured your body doesn’t know what to do or how to respond. My cycling makes me so tired so quickly but for me up swings are scary. I do the most damage and make more bad decisions when I am in a up swing. I tend to be more careless and give less fucks which means time lapses when I started to get the slightest bit agitated. Let’s see how this goes

Meanwhile:

I am so happy that I am accomplishing so much with my book. I like the fact he isn’t waiting for me to edit something before I send it to him. I am actually ahead of schedule and if I’ve learned everything from the fucked up things I’ve done that hyper focus can be my bff if I can harness and use it in a healthy productive way. I am hoping this jump starts my career so I can have more days like this. I am going to actually finish a book…..SOON!!!

Picture: me after almost 2 days of editing

“The first draft is just you telling yourself the story.” …

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Today I spent all day editing my book. I decided to dedicate my entire day to editing my book. I am trying to make sure it is exactly what I wanted and I figured something out. I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY!! I keep finding reasons to change something or add this and take this out but I need to be sure of myself. I will say this upswing is useful for editing purposes I need to hyper focus any extra energy I have but it is like this energy is catching my body up to the rest of me. I’ve had no energy for so long I think my body is like FUCK FINALLY! YOU TOOK A WRONG TURN SOMEWHERE…. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HORRORS SHE’S DONE. I actually said that out loud as I was typing it in an odd voice and everything. I am strange and need a break from myself. WTF!! Book editing shall continue and the mood is being monitored closely.